Saturday, 16 December 2017

Time flown

Yes, still alive. How did five years whizz by so fast? Journeying deeper into the Underworld than I thought I would ever go seems to have taken me out of time, or into another kind of time; the timeless present. When I initiated and made vows to Goddess, and just a few months later accepted the beginning of what I now can see for an initiation, I had no idea of how She would take me up on "Bring it on", or what travelling between the worlds would mean (for me).

Was it blind faith or ignorant madness to accept Her challenge so willingly? To make such big vows, bigger than I was aware of? Well, seeing how my faith has been tested, and how I seem to be in a state of "now I remember, now I forget" who I am and my faith, it seems to have been pretty blind. On the one hand I feel deeply unworthy for forgetting and straying from my path, on the other hand I know, deep down, that She is deeming me worthy for meeting and surrendering to Her challenges, and walking through them. After all the only path that matters is life, and living. What use is a perfect spiritual practice, all the right rituals and all sorts of paraphernalia if you don't survive? That's not my path, anyway. Living Goddess is my calling, and in order to be able to walk with people through their shadow worlds, and hold them through their darkness, I must have walked through mine. Or, as the case turns out to be, walk through mine. Present tense. In darkness and in light…

I feel guilty for cutting myself off from the community I love and loved belonging to, but I think it's what I've had to do. (Spoken as if I ever made a choice.) Some journeys we seem to have to make alone to find the treasures and learn to befriend – rather than defeat – the monsters we meet in the shadow realms. But the guilt, and loss, is real. And the fear of not having anything to return to, of not being welcome, as I did step away. Or strayed. Or was pulled away. I wonder if Innana feared that she would have nothing to return to, or Odysseus, or Persephone. What is left of the world we knew when we've gone beyond the edge and returned? We return changed, so how could the world we knew still be the same?

Ah well, I'll see if the road takes me back to the places and people I love. The intention was never to disappear, but I've had to focus on what's here and now, in the analog world, and still do. The constant equation between energy and everything I want to do.

But I am alive. That matters.

Saturday, 1 September 2012

September Circle of Light

Can you believe it, a new month so soon? September starts out beautifully here in west Sweden, with a full greeting of sun, wind and the promise of showers later on in the day. Autumn is on its way, but still not quite here, in spite of a gentle bite of frost in the breeze.

I was watching last night's full moon, the last blue moon in a few years, and felt an immense gratitude, which inspired me for this month's Circle of Light.

The September Circle of Light will be held from 6 pm Wednesday the 5th until 6 am on Thursday the 6th of September. Light a candle and tap into the web we weave whenever suits you, for as long as you can and want to.

For the September Circle of Light, sit a while and remember the blessings in your life. Take a moment to find, and immerse yourself in the light, joy, and comfort that gratitude brings. It is not the thankfulness imposed by someone else, but gratitude. A reminder of what you have, rather than what you lack; a reminder of the love, beauty, wisdom, friends, family… all that is in your life. Of magic. Of Goddess's presence and workings. Of you, the shining beautiful being that is you. Born into this world to shine.

Remember your strength and the battles you have fought and won; remember the love given and received; remember your dreams. Hold them gently in your thoughts, like a fragile egg, feel their – your – power, and let the power of gratitude and love fill and flow through you. Feel Goddess at work, as Her power is part of you. Shine, ever brighter.

Blessed be

Read more about the Circle of Light here.

Wednesday, 1 August 2012


It is Lammas, the festival of the Great Mother, the life-bringer who holds us in Her wisdom and unconditional – but my no means always soft and gentle – love, and who showers us with Her horn of cornucopia, the horn of plenty.

It is also the time of the Goddess Conference in Glastonbury. My first conference was in 2006, the last Mother conference, and what a life-changing experience! I wish with all my heart that I could be there now, sharing, dancing, listening, talking, and loving. Meeting friends, sisters and brothers, speaking of the things I sorely miss: Avalon, the Mother, Goddess, spirit.

This September, it will be five years since my dedication as a Sister of Avalon. I haven't been back in Glastonbury since. Not in body, at least. And it seems I won't have the chance to go back for yet more time.

I'm homesick. I long to walk the land again, to lie under the apple tree at Chalice Hill and feel the earth breathing underneath, to wander the labyrinthine windings up the Tor and feel the wind whipping my hair and clothes, to taste the waters of the red and white springs…

I long to let my heartroot connect to the earthroot, in that special connection that exists nowhere else. Avalon is a place of the heart, a place co-existing in parallel to this dimension, but there are places where the veil is thinner, and Glastonbury is one of them. The connection to something greater, to something beyond me, and the wholeness that I feel in nature is so much stronger there.

It is the place my soul calls home, insofar as I have a home.

It is, as Sally Pullinger so beautifully put it, "the source and the return". (Words I heard in my heart while travelling across Britain that August six years ago, only to later hear and sing during that year's Lammas ceremony and read in Kathy Jones' book, Priestess of Avalon, Priestess of the Goddess. The kind of synchronicities that abound in my experiences of Goddess and Avalon, and which thus ring deeply true to me.)

And I miss my Avalon family. How I miss them! I miss talking to my soul sisters, I miss the deep, instinctive understanding and the unintrusive listening, I miss being held in the presence of my sister and brother priestesses.

I feel quite a bit like Bilbo Baggins in J.R.R. Tolkien's The Fellowship of the Ring:
I’m old, Gandalf. I know I don’t look it, but I’m beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel…thin. Sort of stretched, like…butter scraped over too much bread.

I've been away for too long. I feel like I'm losing touch with my Self, like my life force is running low. Lower than ever before, and yet at times stronger than ever. I don't know where and how to recharge my life's battery. Loving is no longer enough to replenish it.

I miss Avalon, even though it is right here in my heart. But I miss it so much that it makes my heart ache.

August Circle of Light

The August Circle of Light will be held today, starting at 6 pm and continuing until 6am (local times) tomorrow morning.
However, seeing that it is Lammas/Imbolc, I will keep my candle running all through the day and night – join if you can (safety first) and want to.

For this month's circle, I would ask you to create a circle of healing love. There has been much pain and upset around, and if we can centre in the arms of the Great Mother's love that we all have inside, whether mothers or not, and let love flow through our bodies, our souls, our astral bodies, and across the web we weave, our energy can do great work. Starting from our selves, as always.

Let the light of the Maiden fill your heart with healing, and allow that healing into your wounded places, into your words and actions, let it mingle with your love and shine through you.

Let this be a time of life bringing love and healing. To you, through you.
Centre, love, healing.

Blessed be

Read more about the Circle of Light here.

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

May Circle of Light

The May Circle of Light will be held on May 2.

At the time of the great mirroring of Beltane and Samhain, the celebration of love and death, the dark and light faces of love and passion, let us honour Love, no matter on which side of the mirror you find yourself.

However light and bubbly your life may be, filled with light and love, there is often a darker side to it. And however dark and sorrowful it may seem, lost in the darkness with no love in light, you are still loved. So very much. You are a child of Goddess, a child of Life, a child of Love. It sings in your entire being with every beating of your heart; it whispers in your every breath.

We all carry wounds of love. We have all been hurt, or hurt someone we love. We all carry the potential to burn ourselves on the fires of passion. Let us all honour those wounds, so that we may take another step towards healing.

At times, the light can feel as painful as the darkness, the smiling face of the Lover may bring us as much sorrow as the Crone's wizened face in Her deepest mourning.
Love and sorrow seem to be close companions. But remember this: travelling with Goddess, travelling with Rhiannon, means to travel across the veils; across the mirror. How else can we guide others through their wounding, if we haven't lived through ours?

Reach out your hand, and the great Mother is there.
Reach out your heart, and Love is there. The great Lover, the Beloved. 

Be true to yourself, where you are now. Allow the hurt, the pain, the joy, the passion. Laugh. Cry. Love. Be love.

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

October Circle of Light

The Circle of Light is held on the first Wednesday of every month. The October Circle of Light will be held on the 5th of October.

The connection to the Circle of Light starts at 6pm local time and goes until the following morning. Please light a candle and tap into the web of energy that we create with our participation. No matter when you connect, the presence of our collective spirits and Goddess will be there.

For the October Circle of Light, ask yourself: Am I ready? As the wheel turns toward winter in the northern hemispehere, summer in the southern, we are moving into a time of change, transformation.

Ask yourself: What do I want to change? What am I ready to leave behind? This may not be the time to actually make your move, but to prepare for what is to come. Change comes to all, and whether we allow transformation to happen, or fight it, has a lot to do with preparation.

Let yourself be ready, prepare yourself - and in doing so, allow the emotions to start flooding. Every change brings with it an emotional release. Let it flow through you; let yourself be held safely in the arms of the Mother. Gather strength, resolution, and support from the web we weave together.

Blessed be

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

August Circle of Light 2011

The Circle of Light is held on the first Wednesday of every month. The August Circle of Light will be held on the 3rd of August.

The connection to the Circle of Light starts at 6pm local time and goes until the following morning. Please light a candle and tap into the web of energy that we create with our participation. No matter when you connect, the presence of our collective spirits and Goddess will be there.

For the August Circle of Light, let us ask for the courage to live our lives the way we were born to live, to become who we were born to be. Let us join and together step towards the Light that is our true Selves.

To live a life of Truth, Love, and Beauty, to truly Live Goddess and our faith, may not be as easy as you would like it to be. It may require you to not only let go of the ties that bind you to "truths" about who you are, or should be; but to challenge the roles and limitations placed on you by society. To shed layer upon layer of fear, protocol, convention, habit. To challenge not only how others look at you, but how you look at yourself. We may be free spirits, but Life has a tendency to limit us.

Let us honour our fears and limitations, and start by taking one small step in your Truth, in the Power and Beauty that is yours, and yours alone. Let us weave a web of safety and empowerment, so that we may all challenge one fear at a time. One by one, we peel of the layers to reveal our shining Selves!

Blessed be

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

July Circle of Light

The July Circle of Light will be held on the 6th of July.

For the July Circle of Light, let us prepare for and celebrate rebirth. We are in the midst of a huge shift of consciousness, and so many of us – if not all – are going through a massive transformation. Let us send courage to one another, and stand stronger together, so that we may take the next step.

However painful this transformation may be, however dark your way may seem, and however scared you may be to look into the mirror and face your Self, you are not alone. Find strength in numbers, let the Circle of Light light the darkness, let the Flame of Avalon guide you. The most important steps on our journeys are leaps of faith, requiring us to break free and leave the past behind. It is a journey of death and regeneration, of rebirth, transformation.

Join the Circle and tap into the loving web of energy that we weave together. You are not alone, and death is not a surrender to the dark, but another step ahead. Go deep, and you will find your Self.

To find out more about the Circle of Light, look here.

Blessed be

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

June Circle of Light

The Circle of Light is usually held on the first Wednesday of every month. As June began on a Wednesday, the Circle of Light will instead be today, the 8th of June.

Let the June Circle of Light be a light in the dark; a guiding light for those who travel in the dark at this time, a gentle supporting flame that those who are willing to take the plunge into the deepest depths of our Selves, of the oceans of emotion - to shed a light on what has been hidden in the shadows, to heal on a deeper level.

Let the flame remind us that no matter how dark the night, we never travel alone, and the night will end. Darkness and light, night and day, death and life - one cannot exist without the other. May the Circle of Light bring each of us support, courage, and strength to shine a light in the darknesses of our lives. Even if you fear that a plunge into the dark may drown you, it will not. Through the darkness, there is light.

If you want to know more about the Circle of Light, look here.

Blessed be

Friday, 27 May 2011

Playing with fire

The dark passenger is back. The persistent backseat driver has moved to the front seat, tired of whispering in my ear, of looking over my shoulder while I ignore her. She is right here with me now, taunting me, tempting me.

I am playing with fire, flirting with darkness. I know that. But so far, I am in control. Or am I? How do ever truly I know whether I do something because I want to, or want to do it because it lessens that constant, nagging anxiety? And I am aware of my addiction to this, to these things. I know I will want more, I know how quickly it can reach a level of almost obsessive-compulsiveness, I know all of this.

And yet, I'm playing with fire. Telling myself that this time is different. This time I will remain in control. Maybe I'll prove myself right, maybe I won't. At this point, I don't know. Will it escalate or stop? Will I escalate or stop? But I will not cut my arms open, no matter how much I may want to, in the spur of the moment. That would just be too hard to hide. So I remain in control.

How did it start, again? Gradually sinking lower into depression, and then, mounting anxiety, even panic attacks. As I realised that I am not entirely depressed, that I could see much clearer what was me and what was, is, the illness, the depression, it was as if it changed. Granted, I am still depressed, suffering from painfully low self esteem, lack of initiative, lack of energy; I have lost my appetite, I cry easily, and I want to harm myself – but at the same time, I am happy and positive. Being able to see (feel) this means that I am not the depression, I am not the anxiety. I suffer from depression and anxiety, but it is not who I am.

Unfortunately, the panic attacks, being all tensed up and struggling to catch my breath, is pretty draining. And it affects my dance. I hate it, but am realising that I don't let it control my life; I try to lead a normalish life. I go out, I meet people, I work. When I take on my professional role, no one will ever notice what's going on. My friends, my Sisters, they see more. They feel me vibrating, physically, emotionally, mentally. But this is my transformation to go through, the fragile shell I feel around me is what remains of my walls, and because it is so thin, I have to protect myself. I don't let many people in. I can't. I won't. But every breath I take is a victory, every morning I wake up stronger, closer to breaking through the shell and spreading my wings in freedom, beauty and power.

I just pray that things don't go too far before then, and that the breakthrough isn't a breakdown. I am worried, and a bit afraid. Because I do want to harm myself – not seriously, just a little. And I have lost a bit of weight because of having no appetite and sometimes being too tired to force myself to eat, and even though I doubt I've lost that much, I am afraid that I might cross a line when I step through the mirror. I already have more thoughts of consciously making myself lose more weight, dieting, using these diet supplements. I register those thoughts, but I don't act on them. I just find myself reading the labels, comparing the nutritional contents, checking prices. It's a good thing they are expensive and I am way too smart to fool myself. I don't need to lose weight and I have no intention of doing so. Part of me wants to, but I won't.

Even so, I know that if I keep losing weight, it will be harder to resist as the dark passenger grows louder and stronger. So I pray that I will get an psych appointment soon and that I will keep making myself eat. More. I am not going back into the mirror! I am not making that particular journey again.

I know it's stupid of me to play with fire, but really, I don't know how not to. Even with the panic attacks that make me in a way worse off than I've ever been, and the incredible fatigue, depression etc, things are a million, billion, zillion times better that they used to be. I will get through this.