Friday 29 May 2009
Tuesday 26 May 2009
Days with heavy sighs
And everything feels so heavy again. The air is hard to breathe, there's like a pressure over my chest, and it's very difficult to get started with anything. Could it be depression? But hey - I'm already on antidepressants! Perhaps it's just a brief dip into anxiety. I hope it'll pass soon, because I don't like feelng this unstable, this... vulnerable. It's like my protective outer layer has been peeled off, like my shell is thinner. Like I'm more susceptible to the woes of this world; or rather to my emotions and any other things that affect me. That may be a good thing, but it sure doesn't feel too good. I don't like not feeling like me; I want to be competent and string and full of initiative and... passionate. I want to burn! Now it's more like I'm smouldering.
So what happened? Nothing, really. I went to a fantastic wedding party for one of my darling friends on Saturday, had a migraine instead of a hangover on Sunday (which is infinitely worse while in the midst of it, although I feel better after the migraine than if I had a hangover), and had a real day-after afternoon when a friend came over and we had pizza and watched Twilight.
Yesterday I really didn't want to get out of bed, and had a ridiculously hard time trying to focus on work. Not that there is much work right now - which is a huge stress factor and a partial source to the anxiety - but I do have to get to work on the next book. Of course I became a bit busier in the afternoon, so I ended up missing the bus to dance class. Darnit! I don't show up as late as I would have done if I'd taken the next bus or tried to take the tram and trunk bus there, so I felt sorry for myself and ransacked the kitchen for whatever chocolate I could find.
It feels like there is just so much that goes against me right now: My baby kitty Bonnie is in heat since Friday night, and that's a bit hard to put up with. Sure, Tiger has had mercy on her a couple of times (surely it must be a mercy fuck, coming from a neutered male), but it's not like that shuts her up for long. I never guessed there could be so much noise coming from such a small cat. I knew it would happen, sooner or later, since she's over a year old, but I had hoped she would wait until I had more money. Evidently not. So I've got a vet appointment to sterilize her next Wednesday - apparently it can't be done while she's in heat. But by then I should have had an invoice paid.
My old desktop computer is at its last straw, and I need to get another one. The laptop is also getting a bit old and slow, so they both will need replacing soonish. It just takes so much energy when computers don't work properly
I'm getting a tattoo on Monday, and even though I've been looking forward to this for months, I'm not looking forward to the cost. At the moment, my financial situation is worse than in a long time, but I'm trying to keep my faith that everything will be all right. It has to be.
I won't be able to afford a holiday this summer, but I will be dancing twice a week, and that's better than most holidays.
I've made a decision to have a shopping-free month. It means no shopping for myself, apart from food and things that I need to replace (contact lens fluids etc); and presents to others. It shouldn't be too hard, but seeing how I love to shop and how it's so therapeutic for me, it'll be a challenge. No books, no clothes, no makeup... But I've already got more than enough, and a month is not a very long time. I can't but try, right?
So what happened? Nothing, really. I went to a fantastic wedding party for one of my darling friends on Saturday, had a migraine instead of a hangover on Sunday (which is infinitely worse while in the midst of it, although I feel better after the migraine than if I had a hangover), and had a real day-after afternoon when a friend came over and we had pizza and watched Twilight.
Yesterday I really didn't want to get out of bed, and had a ridiculously hard time trying to focus on work. Not that there is much work right now - which is a huge stress factor and a partial source to the anxiety - but I do have to get to work on the next book. Of course I became a bit busier in the afternoon, so I ended up missing the bus to dance class. Darnit! I don't show up as late as I would have done if I'd taken the next bus or tried to take the tram and trunk bus there, so I felt sorry for myself and ransacked the kitchen for whatever chocolate I could find.
It feels like there is just so much that goes against me right now: My baby kitty Bonnie is in heat since Friday night, and that's a bit hard to put up with. Sure, Tiger has had mercy on her a couple of times (surely it must be a mercy fuck, coming from a neutered male), but it's not like that shuts her up for long. I never guessed there could be so much noise coming from such a small cat. I knew it would happen, sooner or later, since she's over a year old, but I had hoped she would wait until I had more money. Evidently not. So I've got a vet appointment to sterilize her next Wednesday - apparently it can't be done while she's in heat. But by then I should have had an invoice paid.
My old desktop computer is at its last straw, and I need to get another one. The laptop is also getting a bit old and slow, so they both will need replacing soonish. It just takes so much energy when computers don't work properly
I'm getting a tattoo on Monday, and even though I've been looking forward to this for months, I'm not looking forward to the cost. At the moment, my financial situation is worse than in a long time, but I'm trying to keep my faith that everything will be all right. It has to be.
I won't be able to afford a holiday this summer, but I will be dancing twice a week, and that's better than most holidays.
I've made a decision to have a shopping-free month. It means no shopping for myself, apart from food and things that I need to replace (contact lens fluids etc); and presents to others. It shouldn't be too hard, but seeing how I love to shop and how it's so therapeutic for me, it'll be a challenge. No books, no clothes, no makeup... But I've already got more than enough, and a month is not a very long time. I can't but try, right?
Monday 18 May 2009
Strange days
So I'm finding it harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. Yesterday (Sunday) was pretty weird; I was so amazingly tired that I think I must have gone back to bed 4 times during the day, and I kept yawning and yawning - which of course doesn't make you any less tired. But some time after 10pm, I felt energised again. Perhaps I'm really turning into some sort of nocturnal creature?
But I recalled what my nail technician (yes, I am that vain) said something about the side-effects she got from the same antidepressant that I take; all of a sudden she almost can't get out of bed in the morning (for me, it takes almost an hour) and she keeps yawning. Check. So perhaps it's that simple: I'm more tired, find it difficult to get out of bed although I'm not necessarily that tired in the morning, and yawn a lot more as a side-effect. And I did up my dosage only a week and a half ago, so naturally any side-effects are bound to be more marked for a while. Annoying!
I used to be an early riser, and compared to many people I know, I still am. I'm really not too tired in the morning, or in the evening/at night, but in between can be a bit of a challenge. At the moment, I'm trying to think that it's probably just a residue of the exhaustion from autumn and to give myself time to heal, take naps if I need to and so on. But at the same time, I'm wondering how long it will take for me to get back to normal energy levels. Should it really take this long? I'm not worried; more impatient and annoyed. (Of course. Patience still isn't my greatest virtue.)
So today, I'll try to keep my eyes pried open while I'm going through the proofs for my next book translation. This is the boring part of translating books: The editing. It's pretty mind-numbing work that really requires a minimum of creativity on my part, which is probably why I think it's so boring. I want a creative challenge!
But first of all: A nice cuppa herbal tea...
But I recalled what my nail technician (yes, I am that vain) said something about the side-effects she got from the same antidepressant that I take; all of a sudden she almost can't get out of bed in the morning (for me, it takes almost an hour) and she keeps yawning. Check. So perhaps it's that simple: I'm more tired, find it difficult to get out of bed although I'm not necessarily that tired in the morning, and yawn a lot more as a side-effect. And I did up my dosage only a week and a half ago, so naturally any side-effects are bound to be more marked for a while. Annoying!
I used to be an early riser, and compared to many people I know, I still am. I'm really not too tired in the morning, or in the evening/at night, but in between can be a bit of a challenge. At the moment, I'm trying to think that it's probably just a residue of the exhaustion from autumn and to give myself time to heal, take naps if I need to and so on. But at the same time, I'm wondering how long it will take for me to get back to normal energy levels. Should it really take this long? I'm not worried; more impatient and annoyed. (Of course. Patience still isn't my greatest virtue.)
So today, I'll try to keep my eyes pried open while I'm going through the proofs for my next book translation. This is the boring part of translating books: The editing. It's pretty mind-numbing work that really requires a minimum of creativity on my part, which is probably why I think it's so boring. I want a creative challenge!
But first of all: A nice cuppa herbal tea...
Monday 11 May 2009
Better
Better today.
Not as devastated; more dejected. But I'm trying to bury my thoughts in translation and Microsoft terminology (and silly quizzes on Facebook) to escape feeling and thinking too much. And because I simply have to. I have a deadline tomorrow and am determined to meet it, because I have to get started with the second part of L.E. Modesitt Jr's The Magic Engineer.
Unfortunately it looks like I'm going to miss the extra drilling class for Callisto tonight :( I was really looking forward to some Bellydance Bootcamp, to dance away all the negative energy from this last week, but alas! Work has to come first. Seeing that the summer courses start in two weeks, I think I'll have my fill of hard training.
I miss him. I miss falling asleep with him, having breakfast together, laughing together. I miss him.
Sunday 10 May 2009
Broken girl, lost in the shadows...
Bad day. I really need to work; I'm massively behind after spending Monday with book-keeping and my tax returns, and after Wednesday's shocker, but I just can't seem to get my mind to work properly today. And I have to get a grip: I have a slight hunch that falling apart isn't an excuse for missing Microsoft deadlines. That's where I'm at today: Falling apart. Or close to it.
I'm not normally one for crying my eyes out, but today I can't seem to stop. I just don't get it. I don't understand what I did wrong. Or why he didn't say anything before, when we were making plans for the summer together, but acted as if everything was fine and then coldly threw it in my face (without looking me in the eyes): It's over, it doesn't feel right, it doesn't click. Why couldn't he say so before we made plans? I don't understand! Also, it seems like he's getting a lot of sympathy, when he's the one who dumped me. How unfair is that?
Life really feels effingly unfair and I just can't seem to pull myself out of the dark right now. I don't want to wallow in misery and feel sorry for myself, but this time, I have no luck with my usual solutions in being hard on myself and telling myself to get a grip, stop being such a pathetic little whine, and get on with my life. They don't work today.
As long as I keep busy, I can hold myself together. Friday was insanely busy; breakfast at the make up studio while getting ready for the big booking (5 make up artists, close to 50 clients who were booked for big party make ups), doing make ups non-stop from 12:30 to almost 6pm, getting everything packed up and back to the studio, a quick change of clothes there and then dash of to Hard Rock Café for bowling and dinner with my sisters and sisters-in-law (late birthday present). Yesterday was filled with a sort of hen party for one of my best friends - brunch at 10, chocolate sampling, silversmithery (?) and dinner. I got back home around 1am, so there wasn't really any time to stop and feel then, either. And I am phenomenal at keeping my guards up and my mask on; to bring out that social and positive part of me. But last night, I could feel the darkness closing in on me again. And today... No. I don't want today.
I don't want to talk about it; I don't know how to handle friends' pity - am I really worth their sympathy? perhaps I'm just pathetic and should be able to cope with the rejection of being dumped? - and besides, I don't want anyone to see me this devastated. (Of course, if I would see anyone, the mask would go on.) At the same time, I don't want to be lonely. Or do I? Argh, I don't know anything! I don't want to be distracted, I don't want to talk about it and share my pain; I just want to forget. Or that it wasn't real. What if it were just a bad dream and I could wake up again and everything was fine. What if I could wake up and be whole again. Because I feel broken.
This wasn't the big love that forever changes me to the core, so why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel broken? Because I was a fool to trust him? Because I let myself believe that just because everything seemed and felt good, it was good? Because I was stupid enough to think that I would be enough, that I'd be good enough? I don't mean to be utterly pathetic or to beg for reassurance, it's just rethorical questions; the questions that keep repeating in my mind. Until I get an explanation, I can't help thinking that it must've been something I did, or something I didn't do.
Broken girl, lost in the shadows...
I'm not normally one for crying my eyes out, but today I can't seem to stop. I just don't get it. I don't understand what I did wrong. Or why he didn't say anything before, when we were making plans for the summer together, but acted as if everything was fine and then coldly threw it in my face (without looking me in the eyes): It's over, it doesn't feel right, it doesn't click. Why couldn't he say so before we made plans? I don't understand! Also, it seems like he's getting a lot of sympathy, when he's the one who dumped me. How unfair is that?
Life really feels effingly unfair and I just can't seem to pull myself out of the dark right now. I don't want to wallow in misery and feel sorry for myself, but this time, I have no luck with my usual solutions in being hard on myself and telling myself to get a grip, stop being such a pathetic little whine, and get on with my life. They don't work today.
As long as I keep busy, I can hold myself together. Friday was insanely busy; breakfast at the make up studio while getting ready for the big booking (5 make up artists, close to 50 clients who were booked for big party make ups), doing make ups non-stop from 12:30 to almost 6pm, getting everything packed up and back to the studio, a quick change of clothes there and then dash of to Hard Rock Café for bowling and dinner with my sisters and sisters-in-law (late birthday present). Yesterday was filled with a sort of hen party for one of my best friends - brunch at 10, chocolate sampling, silversmithery (?) and dinner. I got back home around 1am, so there wasn't really any time to stop and feel then, either. And I am phenomenal at keeping my guards up and my mask on; to bring out that social and positive part of me. But last night, I could feel the darkness closing in on me again. And today... No. I don't want today.
I don't want to talk about it; I don't know how to handle friends' pity - am I really worth their sympathy? perhaps I'm just pathetic and should be able to cope with the rejection of being dumped? - and besides, I don't want anyone to see me this devastated. (Of course, if I would see anyone, the mask would go on.) At the same time, I don't want to be lonely. Or do I? Argh, I don't know anything! I don't want to be distracted, I don't want to talk about it and share my pain; I just want to forget. Or that it wasn't real. What if it were just a bad dream and I could wake up again and everything was fine. What if I could wake up and be whole again. Because I feel broken.
This wasn't the big love that forever changes me to the core, so why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel broken? Because I was a fool to trust him? Because I let myself believe that just because everything seemed and felt good, it was good? Because I was stupid enough to think that I would be enough, that I'd be good enough? I don't mean to be utterly pathetic or to beg for reassurance, it's just rethorical questions; the questions that keep repeating in my mind. Until I get an explanation, I can't help thinking that it must've been something I did, or something I didn't do.
Broken girl, lost in the shadows...
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