And everything feels so heavy again. The air is hard to breathe, there's like a pressure over my chest, and it's very difficult to get started with anything. Could it be depression? But hey - I'm already on antidepressants! Perhaps it's just a brief dip into anxiety. I hope it'll pass soon, because I don't like feelng this unstable, this... vulnerable. It's like my protective outer layer has been peeled off, like my shell is thinner. Like I'm more susceptible to the woes of this world; or rather to my emotions and any other things that affect me. That may be a good thing, but it sure doesn't feel too good. I don't like not feeling like me; I want to be competent and string and full of initiative and... passionate. I want to burn! Now it's more like I'm smouldering.
So what happened? Nothing, really. I went to a fantastic wedding party for one of my darling friends on Saturday, had a migraine instead of a hangover on Sunday (which is infinitely worse while in the midst of it, although I feel better after the migraine than if I had a hangover), and had a real day-after afternoon when a friend came over and we had pizza and watched Twilight.
Yesterday I really didn't want to get out of bed, and had a ridiculously hard time trying to focus on work. Not that there is much work right now - which is a huge stress factor and a partial source to the anxiety - but I do have to get to work on the next book. Of course I became a bit busier in the afternoon, so I ended up missing the bus to dance class. Darnit! I don't show up as late as I would have done if I'd taken the next bus or tried to take the tram and trunk bus there, so I felt sorry for myself and ransacked the kitchen for whatever chocolate I could find.
It feels like there is just so much that goes against me right now: My baby kitty Bonnie is in heat since Friday night, and that's a bit hard to put up with. Sure, Tiger has had mercy on her a couple of times (surely it must be a mercy fuck, coming from a neutered male), but it's not like that shuts her up for long. I never guessed there could be so much noise coming from such a small cat. I knew it would happen, sooner or later, since she's over a year old, but I had hoped she would wait until I had more money. Evidently not. So I've got a vet appointment to sterilize her next Wednesday - apparently it can't be done while she's in heat. But by then I should have had an invoice paid.
My old desktop computer is at its last straw, and I need to get another one. The laptop is also getting a bit old and slow, so they both will need replacing soonish. It just takes so much energy when computers don't work properly
I'm getting a tattoo on Monday, and even though I've been looking forward to this for months, I'm not looking forward to the cost. At the moment, my financial situation is worse than in a long time, but I'm trying to keep my faith that everything will be all right. It has to be.
I won't be able to afford a holiday this summer, but I will be dancing twice a week, and that's better than most holidays.
I've made a decision to have a shopping-free month. It means no shopping for myself, apart from food and things that I need to replace (contact lens fluids etc); and presents to others. It shouldn't be too hard, but seeing how I love to shop and how it's so therapeutic for me, it'll be a challenge. No books, no clothes, no makeup... But I've already got more than enough, and a month is not a very long time. I can't but try, right?
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