Broken girl, lost in the shadows...

Bad day. I really need to work; I'm massively behind after spending Monday with book-keeping and my tax returns, and after Wednesday's shocker, but I just can't seem to get my mind to work properly today. And I have to get a grip: I have a slight hunch that falling apart isn't an excuse for missing Microsoft deadlines. That's where I'm at today: Falling apart. Or close to it.

I'm not normally one for crying my eyes out, but today I can't seem to stop. I just don't get it. I don't understand what I did wrong. Or why he didn't say anything before, when we were making plans for the summer together, but acted as if everything was fine and then coldly threw it in my face (without looking me in the eyes): It's over, it doesn't feel right, it doesn't click. Why couldn't he say so before we made plans? I don't understand! Also, it seems like he's getting a lot of sympathy, when he's the one who dumped me. How unfair is that?

Life really feels effingly unfair and I just can't seem to pull myself out of the dark right now. I don't want to wallow in misery and feel sorry for myself, but this time, I have no luck with my usual solutions in being hard on myself and telling myself to get a grip, stop being such a pathetic little whine, and get on with my life. They don't work today.

As long as I keep busy, I can hold myself together. Friday was insanely busy; breakfast at the make up studio while getting ready for the big booking (5 make up artists, close to 50 clients who were booked for big party make ups), doing make ups non-stop from 12:30 to almost 6pm, getting everything packed up and back to the studio, a quick change of clothes there and then dash of to Hard Rock Café for bowling and dinner with my sisters and sisters-in-law (late birthday present). Yesterday was filled with a sort of hen party for one of my best friends - brunch at 10, chocolate sampling, silversmithery (?) and dinner. I got back home around 1am, so there wasn't really any time to stop and feel then, either. And I am phenomenal at keeping my guards up and my mask on; to bring out that social and positive part of me. But last night, I could feel the darkness closing in on me again. And today... No. I don't want today.

I don't want to talk about it; I don't know how to handle friends' pity - am I really worth their sympathy? perhaps I'm just pathetic and should be able to cope with the rejection of being dumped? - and besides, I don't want anyone to see me this devastated. (Of course, if I would see anyone, the mask would go on.) At the same time, I don't want to be lonely. Or do I? Argh, I don't know anything! I don't want to be distracted, I don't want to talk about it and share my pain; I just want to forget. Or that it wasn't real. What if it were just a bad dream and I could wake up again and everything was fine. What if I could wake up and be whole again. Because I feel broken.
This wasn't the big love that forever changes me to the core, so why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel broken? Because I was a fool to trust him? Because I let myself believe that just because everything seemed and felt good, it was good? Because I was stupid enough to think that I would be enough, that I'd be good enough? I don't mean to be utterly pathetic or to beg for reassurance, it's just rethorical questions; the questions that keep repeating in my mind. Until I get an explanation, I can't help thinking that it must've been something I did, or something I didn't do.

Broken girl, lost in the shadows...