Wednesday 21 October 2009

Stuck in a rut

Just a few days ago I felt so positive about planning for a change in my work, about taking the challenge of losing "my" author and turning it into an opportunity for Goddess work, for doing things that fuel my passion and creativity. And now... I feel stuck in a rut. Like I mentally can't get over this huge wall. Resistance has kicked in BIG time, and is accompanied by two companions: procrastination and doubt. I doubt myself a lot. I doubt that whatever changes I make, whatever dreams I have, can come true enough to support me. And guess what - I get in my own way, I stand in the way of my dreams. By getting stuck with the "how" of things, with how to make my dreams happen, I forget to dream the dream, and I most certainly don't do the work. And it frustrates me. Because while I do doubt myself, I know the power of intention.

I'm so understimulated right now that it's driving me nuts. I see people moving on with their lives; new opportunities, new trainings and courses, new jobs; I see them going from strength to strength, from challenge to opportunity, from dream to reality. I am happy and absolutely thrilled with them and for them - and for a while it fuels me, too. And then, I slump back into the improductive haze of self-doubt. Into stasis. And when I start to look into why I do that, I find a lot of things - and not just the initial thought that I'm being lazy: I'm so tired that I can't really express it in words; my self-doubt is not just about doubt, but about worthiness, fear, and other underlying issues. It's not that I'm lazy and don't want to do the work, it's more that I can't figure out what to do and how to start. If someone was to ask me the right questions, of course I might be able to find the answers, but I don't seem to be that someone. I can't seem to find the questions. But part of me mentally whacks me over the head and says that I'm making pitiful excuses and am in fact just being lazy.

I guess it's safe to say I could really do with a mental/work/life coach. Someone who can help me move forward, not delve deeper into the issues at hand and what they are about, like I would in therapy. (I sososo miss my therapist, though! And I probably could do with some digging.) But where do you find someone who might be willing to do the work for (almost) free? I pretty much can't do anything that involves a cost, which leaves very few options.

There is so much I want to do, and I can't even sit myself down and start jotting down exactly what it is that I really want to do with my life. I don't even give myself a chance to start dreaming the dream, and how am I supposed to live it if I can't even think of it?

Yes, Samhain is approaching. I think part of my resistance can have something to do with the feeling of a BIG transformation waiting just around the corner. And yet I am so ready for change. I am. I welcome Keridwen, I want to dive into Her Cauldron of Transformation, I want to be swept away in a vortex of change. I'm resisting, but that doesn't mean I don't want the change or that I don't want to be transformed. I just can't get the chrysalis to burst open. I'm waiting, wings folded, to break free from this life that has grown too small for me.

Friday 16 October 2009

Deep Listening Lessons

I found this note on Facebook. It is written by Nithya Shanti and all rights are his. I really recommend visiting his profile and reading other notes by him - they're well worth reading - credit where credit due. I will add links to the other lessons when I find them. These are the 15 first lessons out of 50.
No copyright infringement intended.


Deep Listening Lessons:


Deep Listening Lesson 15: Avoid letting your story take over their story
Often, when we listen to people, what they say strikes a responsive chord in us. We may have had similar thoughts or experiences. In an attempt to empathize and connect with the person, we tell our own related stories. Resist this impulse. It doesn’t work.

When we tell our own story, we shift the focus away from the speaker, perhaps for extended periods. Inevitably, this leaves the speaker feeling cut off, frustrated and disrespected. When this happens, more often than not, the speaker will stop talking and feel resentful or disrespected.

Perhaps the story that you have interrupted is only the beginning of something the speaker is trying to explore and find their way more deeply into, or perhaps it is something they simply need to get off their chest. To short-circuit this process with your own story is in a subtle way saying that what you have to say is more important than what they have to say. We all know how badly that feels.

Practice: Next time you find yourself telling your story in response to someone else’s, stop and apologize for interrupting. Ask the speaker to please continue. To help get the speaker back on track, ask a new question about their story and begin listening.

~Nithya Shanti

Why did this particular lesson speak to me? First of all, my friend Janice posted it and it was the first of this series that I have read; but it is also a lesson that seems to touch me and several of my friends. Deep listening, without butting in with my story - or my reaction - is an acquired skill.

I've struggled to learn how to listen and to hold back my emotional response, my will to help by giving advice, and my will to renspond by sharing my story. There are times when a conversation is a give-and-take of stories and responses, but there are times when deep listening means to just listen and hold the space for the other person. At those times, letting your own response out - in words or with a hug - can be the absolutely wrong thing to do. Invasive, in fact. There are times I feel that I have to emotionally restrain myself from giving that instinctual hug, and instead wait for someone to finish telling her/his story and only then ask to give a hug or another response.

I think it's a lifelong lesson to find the balance between deep listening and sharing; of learning when to hold space and hold back your own reaction, out of respect for that person who has chosen to open herself/himself to you, and when your reaction and your sharing will benefit the other person. But it is a very good one to be aware of.

Wednesday 14 October 2009

Inspirational words

The greatest achievement is selflessness.
The greatest worth is self-mastery.
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
The greatest precept is continual awareness.
The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.
The greatest action is not conforming with the world's ways.
The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.
The greatest generosity is non-attachment.
The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.
The greatest patience is humility.
The greatest effort is not concerned with results.
The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.
The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.

By Atisha

Short Dark & Tribalicious report

Time is slipping through my fingers, and writing is sadly one of the things I have to put on the backburner at the moment. In order to minimise stress, I try to stay away from the computer when I'm not actually working. No computer = no blogging, as I haven't yet figured out how to blog from my phone. I use it for facebooking and twitting, but as for blogging, it seems that Blogger doesn't support phone blogging from Sweden. Yet.

This past weekend's Dark & Tribalicious workshops and show were simply AMAZING! Incredible teachers and dancers, and I am so inspired to keep working harder and striving to improve my technique so I can express what I want to express. My goal with the dance, like with all my creative endeavours, is to touch people; to make them feel. I don't want to just perform a series of steps and moves; I want the moves to express my feelings, my soul. I'm still far from being at a technical level where I feel that I can do that, but bit by bit, step my step, shimmy by shimmy I'm getting closer.

I'm in awe of Ariellah, Asharah, and Morgana - for their talent, creativity, feeling, ability to reach out, their teaching, and because they are incredibly beautiful, warm women. Ariellah's master class was a challenge, but I didn't feel lost and confused, and even the advanced dancers thought it was difficult. Hey - if you never exposed yourself to challenges and did something that seemed just a bit too difficult; how would you ever evolve?
Asharah's "Dancing your demons" class took us on a deep, inner journey; to ask ourselves the crucial question "Who am I?" to connect with our shadow side, with our demons - the parts of ourselves we normally keep out of the light, and to bring all emotions into our selves and our dance in order to be authentic. For me, authenticity is crucial in order to touch people; I have to bare my soul to be true. No pretenses, no masks on stage. I loved it, and it gave me a whole new perspective on what I really want with the dance. I am beginning to discover how I connect certain moves to certain feelings, and when I find that connection, I need to remind myself to write it down. I'm all inspired to start digging into my creativity, to dig deep into myself and just open up - which seems to be in keeping with Samhain approaching. Let's stir that cauldron of transformation and jump right into it!
Morgana's "Pride & Lust" workshop was something totally different. The first half was all about turning and spinning; both useful and a bit dizzying ;) In a crowded studio, the spinning becomes a challenge, as you have to constantly stay in control of your own body and everyone around you. The second part was a burlesque choreography; starting from old school burlesque (think Moulin Rouge and Berlin cabarets in the 20s) and moving onto a very fast, jazz-inspired modern burlesque (think Las Vegas). Unfortunately, I think I may have forgotten most of the superquick last bit, but the first half or so is still there. Anyway, a good challenge and just so much fun to work with a style that is quite different to what I normally do.

I felt that the workshops connected tribal fusion bellydance to the world of Dance in general, and to my dance and improv background - everything from using ballet terms for the positions (thank you, Asharah for making that connection!), to yoga and Pilates work, to drama/improv excercises, to jazz... I am so inspired now and just really set to work harder and practice more. I am devoting more and more time to dance, and if I keep it up like this, soon I won't have time to work anymore. Working creatively just brings me such immense JOY that I want to focus more on that. It is also a way of touching and working with the divine that gives me so much in return.

The fact that I could do these workshops at all, after just 8 months of dancing, is all thanks to my teacher Callisto, and proof of how good a techer she is. And it was wonderful to see how she, Gita and Cissi all held an very high international class in the show. Sure, I have a dance background, but that was 15 years ago, and I never thought, when I stepped into that studio in February, that I would be caught up in the same joyous, creative whirlwind of dance again. Or that I could ever make progress like I have. Kudos for that! I mean, me and my rigid, blocked hips... But I am getting there, although the quick shimmies and shimmy layering are still tricky as I feel like I have to constantly talk my hips into opening up the blocks and the locked energy. Perhaps it is time to have some energetic bodywork done in order to open up and heal the underlying issues once and for all, and reclaim that part of my body and power as well.

I guess I really have to find a matron of the arts, who can support me while I journey to my creative centre and follow my soul...