Stuck in a rut

Just a few days ago I felt so positive about planning for a change in my work, about taking the challenge of losing "my" author and turning it into an opportunity for Goddess work, for doing things that fuel my passion and creativity. And now... I feel stuck in a rut. Like I mentally can't get over this huge wall. Resistance has kicked in BIG time, and is accompanied by two companions: procrastination and doubt. I doubt myself a lot. I doubt that whatever changes I make, whatever dreams I have, can come true enough to support me. And guess what - I get in my own way, I stand in the way of my dreams. By getting stuck with the "how" of things, with how to make my dreams happen, I forget to dream the dream, and I most certainly don't do the work. And it frustrates me. Because while I do doubt myself, I know the power of intention.

I'm so understimulated right now that it's driving me nuts. I see people moving on with their lives; new opportunities, new trainings and courses, new jobs; I see them going from strength to strength, from challenge to opportunity, from dream to reality. I am happy and absolutely thrilled with them and for them - and for a while it fuels me, too. And then, I slump back into the improductive haze of self-doubt. Into stasis. And when I start to look into why I do that, I find a lot of things - and not just the initial thought that I'm being lazy: I'm so tired that I can't really express it in words; my self-doubt is not just about doubt, but about worthiness, fear, and other underlying issues. It's not that I'm lazy and don't want to do the work, it's more that I can't figure out what to do and how to start. If someone was to ask me the right questions, of course I might be able to find the answers, but I don't seem to be that someone. I can't seem to find the questions. But part of me mentally whacks me over the head and says that I'm making pitiful excuses and am in fact just being lazy.

I guess it's safe to say I could really do with a mental/work/life coach. Someone who can help me move forward, not delve deeper into the issues at hand and what they are about, like I would in therapy. (I sososo miss my therapist, though! And I probably could do with some digging.) But where do you find someone who might be willing to do the work for (almost) free? I pretty much can't do anything that involves a cost, which leaves very few options.

There is so much I want to do, and I can't even sit myself down and start jotting down exactly what it is that I really want to do with my life. I don't even give myself a chance to start dreaming the dream, and how am I supposed to live it if I can't even think of it?

Yes, Samhain is approaching. I think part of my resistance can have something to do with the feeling of a BIG transformation waiting just around the corner. And yet I am so ready for change. I am. I welcome Keridwen, I want to dive into Her Cauldron of Transformation, I want to be swept away in a vortex of change. I'm resisting, but that doesn't mean I don't want the change or that I don't want to be transformed. I just can't get the chrysalis to burst open. I'm waiting, wings folded, to break free from this life that has grown too small for me.