Deep Listening Lessons

I found this note on Facebook. It is written by Nithya Shanti and all rights are his. I really recommend visiting his profile and reading other notes by him - they're well worth reading - credit where credit due. I will add links to the other lessons when I find them. These are the 15 first lessons out of 50.
No copyright infringement intended.

Deep Listening Lessons:

Lesson 1: Stop talking so much

Lesson 2: Don't interrupt unnecessarily

Lesson 3: Create an atmosphere of trust

Lesson 4: Listen for clues of disrespect

Lesson 5: Listen for common purpose

Lesson 6: Be slow to disagree argue or criticize

Lesson 7: Notice the tendency of conversation control

Lesson 8: Listen like the universe

Lesson 9: Become comfortable with silence

Lesson 10: Be aware of emotional reactivity

Lesson 11: Resist the urge to “should” on people

Lesson 12: Notice when your energy flaps

Lesson 13: Speak the truth to those in power

Lesson 14: Listen for feelings

Lesson 15: Don't let your story take over their story

Deep Listening Lesson 15: Avoid letting your story take over their story
Often, when we listen to people, what they say strikes a responsive chord in us. We may have had similar thoughts or experiences. In an attempt to empathize and connect with the person, we tell our own related stories. Resist this impulse. It doesn’t work.

When we tell our own story, we shift the focus away from the speaker, perhaps for extended periods. Inevitably, this leaves the speaker feeling cut off, frustrated and disrespected. When this happens, more often than not, the speaker will stop talking and feel resentful or disrespected.

Perhaps the story that you have interrupted is only the beginning of something the speaker is trying to explore and find their way more deeply into, or perhaps it is something they simply need to get off their chest. To short-circuit this process with your own story is in a subtle way saying that what you have to say is more important than what they have to say. We all know how badly that feels.

Practice: Next time you find yourself telling your story in response to someone else’s, stop and apologize for interrupting. Ask the speaker to please continue. To help get the speaker back on track, ask a new question about their story and begin listening.

~Nithya Shanti

Why did this particular lesson speak to me? First of all, my friend Janice posted it and it was the first of this series that I have read; but it is also a lesson that seems to touch me and several of my friends. Deep listening, without butting in with my story - or my reaction - is an acquired skill.

I've struggled to learn how to listen and to hold back my emotional response, my will to help by giving advice, and my will to renspond by sharing my story. There are times when a conversation is a give-and-take of stories and responses, but there are times when deep listening means to just listen and hold the space for the other person. At those times, letting your own response out - in words or with a hug - can be the absolutely wrong thing to do. Invasive, in fact. There are times I feel that I have to emotionally restrain myself from giving that instinctual hug, and instead wait for someone to finish telling her/his story and only then ask to give a hug or another response.

I think it's a lifelong lesson to find the balance between deep listening and sharing; of learning when to hold space and hold back your own reaction, out of respect for that person who has chosen to open herself/himself to you, and when your reaction and your sharing will benefit the other person. But it is a very good one to be aware of.