It's about identity, not sex

I was watching an oldish Oprah episode about sexual fluidity yesterday, and one guest said something really interesting. It was about being gay is not primarily about sex, but about identity. I agree.

I mean, I've had a good sex life with men, but in the past few years I've grown more and more frustrated over the fact that it always seems lacking, incomplete, unsatisfying. The sex can be good, the men can think that it is fantastic, but I just feel empty, like there's something missing. And, well, of course it is. If you're not really into men it doesn't matter how good the sex is; there will always be something missing.

Heterosexual has never been part of my identity but with time, bisexual felt more and more like an ill-fitting suit. Sure, I can have sex with men and women, but who can't? Sex is the easy bit. Realising that emotionally I prefer women, that I am attracted to women and not men, and finally acknowledging that felt like meant was a like throwing that old suit aside and being free.

Nothing much has changed, apart from that inner identity. Like I've shed another layer of skin. It seems to be a step-by-step journey; as a new truth about me dawns, I have to re-evaluate who I am and what I want and shed that old part of me. It's not about constantly changing, but about transforming into something truer, closer to the core of me.

Of course sex is a part of it. Sex is a part of most things. But to me, being gay is more about identity than about sex. It is about being true to myself.