Card of the Week, May 31, 2010

The card of the week is Butterfly Maiden – Transformation:

"You are experiencing enormous change right now, which brings sweet blessings."

The Message is:

As you go through this period of change, it's natural for you to wonder if your future us safe. I'm here to assure you that you're part of nature's cycles of birth, death, and rebirth. To bring in you desired newness, you must first allow old parts of your life to fall away. These changes are to be celebrated, not feared. Give thanks for this shedding of the old! Embrace all of the lessons it brought, and then let it go! Be giddy with excitement at the newness of the gifts that are now being bestowed upon you, and let their magic surprise and delight you."

(from Doreen Virtue's Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards)

I think it was only yesterday that I drew this card as my Card of the Day (which I put in my Twitter feed), so I guess there is some definite transformation under hand. Which I am, of course, aware of. However, I am not quite aware of what changes are under way, only that the cauldron is being stirred, life is tilting and shifting, and I have a feeling that "all" is about to change. Or a lot, at least. And although I welcome the change, and am quite excited to see what it will bring, part of me resists it. Resisting pain, of course, as we humans tend to do.

I also know that several close Sisters and Brothers are going through major life changes, and this card is of course for all who feel that it speaks to them.

It is time that we break free from the shackles of the past, break out of the chrysalis of old life, old pain, and step into the light.

It is time that we step into our power, our own shining light, and spread our wings.

It is time that we spread our light and beauty, our Divinity.

The Butterfly Maiden picture above belongs to Sharon George. I love her work, so why not stop by her website and have a look for yourself?

Senseless attraction

So I saw this person today, who I used to be really attracted to. As in pure, unadulterated desire. At the time, I thought he might become a challenge, and even possible fall, of any other relationships, as I would never be able to say no to him. That changed. He, umm... turned out to be a lot more talk than action, and not living the talk. Failing to live up to his words, I realised that I wouldn't play his game. If he wants me, he'd better let me know and come clean about things. I need to protect myself.

And seeing that he's a man, and I prefer women, I thought I was well and truly over him. Until now, when I realise that the same desire is there, even though I'm still as annoyed with his manboyish lack of responsibility and still don't want him in my life. Emotionally, I don't want him. But my body betrays me. So the risk of him jeopardising relationships is apparently still there. But I dare say that it's a challenge I would win.

Do you have people who attract you in the same senseless way?

Card of the week, May 24, 2010

Lately, I've found myself getting back in tune with the energies and myself, and subsequently, the messages I receive from the cards make more sense and seem very timely.

Inspired by my circle sister Elle's Twitter this morning, I decided to take my card of the week more seriously. And why not post it here?

The card of this week (I'm using Doreen Virtue's Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards) is Abundantia - Prosperity.

"The Universe is pouring its abundance out to you. Be open to receiving."

The message is:

"Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. You are very powerful, and I'm here to support your growing power. It's right for you to receive this help, as we function as a team. I've heard your prayers, worries, and affirmations. I'm pouring my cornucopia of prosperity upon you now, so expect unforseen windfalls and gifts. Notice the new ideas, feelings, and visions within you. This guidance gives you clear direction about actions to take in conjunction with my assistance. Together, we're unstoppable!"

Be open to receiving. My challenge of the week! Because much as I pray for abundance and work hard to make the money flow in - whilst trying to get to that place of flow, where the energy flows freely and effortlessly - I rarely really ask for help. From anyone. And receiving is a bit of an issue for me. I can give, and I give freely, I like to give of my support, my help, my love, even my energy; but receiving is harder. And if I receive more than (I think) I give, I feel unworthy. And here the Universe reminds me that it is not the case. Thank you.

Learning to love yourself

I stumbled onto Louise L. Hay's Amazon.com page, like I sometimes do, and my eyes were caught by a book I've seen before; the Love Yourself, Heal Your Life Workbook. Looking in it makes me sad. I realise that loving myself still doesn't come easy. Or even naturally. It's one of the things that seem to move in spirals - when I think I have learned to love and accept myself, something happens that challenges that self love. The journey deepens, the path winds ever closer to the centre of my being; to the most deeply wounded places. It is only natural, but it's painful, and it's sad to learn how I still struggle with such a simple thing: self-love, self-acceptance.

Some people seem to just love themselves; it seems to simple for them, so natural. I envy them. I didn't grow up feeling unconditional love - it may have been there, but I always felt that there were conditions that had to be met - and I have never felt unconditional love for myself, nor been able to understand how anyone else could love me unconditionally. When I love, I love unconditionally and freely - it doesn't mean I do everything right by the people I love or that I am able to always let that love guide me - but I apparently still don't believe that the same thing could be extended to me.

Reading Louise L. Hay's foreword to Love Yourself... I feel sad. I want to love myself, I want to accept myself in a way that means I won't lash out from a place of frustration and pain, I want to heal myself with love. And I can't believe how hard it is, or how I don't really know how to learn to love myself. I thought I had come so far, and yet, here I am.

Our subconscious mind accepts whatever we choose to believe. The Universal Power never judges or criticizes us. It only accepts us at our own value. If you accept a limiting belief, then it will become the truth for you. If you believe that you’re too short, too fat, too thin, too tall, too smart, not smart enough, too rich, too poor, or incapable of forming relationships, then those beliefs will become true for you.

I want to believe that I am beautiful and smart, and that I am lovable and worth loving - but when I feel that I can't or don't know how to do it, I limit myself. I do. I am aware of that. Have you any idea of how frustrating it is to be aware of the "wrong" thought and still not be able to shake it off? When I try to change it, there is always the doubt that maybe I'm just fooling myself with the affirmations. What if? What if I am, in fact, not beautiful, or smart, or lovable? Am I only deluding myself? That what if is something I haven't yet understood how to bypass.

Remember that we’re dealing with thoughts, and thoughts can be changed. We have unlimited choices about what we can think, and the point of power is always in the present moment.

This I know, and I hope to figure out how. It's time for another round of self-worth work. Yes, I ordered the book, and a number of others, and will give them a serious try when I get them. And in the meantime really try to break the negative thought patterns and drown the negative voices. Every thought I think creates my future.

The greatest love of all

Is easy to achieve

Learning to love yourself

It is the greatest love of all

~Greatest Love of All, Whitney Houston

Note: The beautiful picture above isn't mine, and no copyright infringement is intended. You can find this, and several other amazing, affirming and empowering art pieces in Patricia Omoqui's store.

If you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

~Mother Theresa

Love breaks the boundaries to our heart and frees the pain inside. It is not an easy thing to experience, or suffer, love. To walk through the pain of loving, openly and freely, without limitations or preconceived notions of what it is to love, what love will give in return; that is no easy task. And it is no easy journey.

It seems to be a lesson of this life for me; love. Or lessons of one life after the other that are coming together into a healing process. I am slowly becoming aware of how complicated it is, and of how much pain that flows through me as I slowly venture deeper and deeper into my Self with love. It is the journey of the wounded healer, the wounded lover, and it is painful to the point of being unbearable. Because in that pain and confusion, as the love I feel and walk with picks at wounds in order to heal them, I lose myself; I lose control, and I end up hurting others. It is not a pain I want to inflict on anyone, and yet I do. I'm not a victim here, but the offender, who hurts people who get too close, who may even show me true friendship. I reward it with pain, with primitive gut reactions of doing unto them what has been done to me. And I wish I knew why. I don't yet. But reading Mother Theresa's quote touched something, a string, a nerve, and seeing how I instantly connected it to some things and patterns, I guess that it is true. There is a connection.

I've vowed Goddess, the Lady of Avalon, to live life loving and to let Her love shine through me. I do my very best to speak only love, to act from a place of love, but as the journey deepens and gets darker and more painful, it actually gets harder. Does that mean I am going into the wounded places; the places that need healing the most? And the lesson to learn is what? To maintain my Self and stay in a place of love even when it gets hard?

I feel rage bubbling up, I feel like I'm shaking in my fetters and when I break free I may lash out and hurt people; I feel egotism, ruthlessness, and such anger in the pain. And if I can't rein them in, I feel like I might just as well isolate myself; distance myself from the people who may care and get too close. I didn't choose to be born with the wounds I have; I didn't choose my past lives, all the things that are coming together, the seemingly endless line of wounds of love, wounds against love. If this pain is something I've felt before, I'm not surprised that I'm finding it so hard to fall in love. I love, but I don't fall in love. Way too risky. That way pain lies. And yes, I am aware that the only road to healing and to finding that true love; to entering that place in me that is only love, goes through the pained and wounded places. The challenge lies in doing it while remaining in a state of love. Probably more than anything, love and acceptance of myself. But I am not who I want to be; I don't act the way I want to do. There are things in me that make me do something other than what I wish I did; something makes me react in ways I didn't expect. And I want to change that, to be who I want to be. But how? Is the answer to ground myself in love? To accept myself in spite of all my flaws and mistakes so that I can ground myself in love? Let me tell you: not easy.

Whenever I think I've gotten somewhere, that I can love and accept myself the way I am, something happens that triggers doubt and brings up another wound to be healed. I am once again thrown into the cauldron. And it's getting tired; I am getting tired. For every step of the journey brings me deeper, and the deeper wounds are the most painful. Otherwise, why would I have buried them so deeply?

When will I have loved so deeply that there is no more pain; only love?

Post LGBT festival thoughts

Last week, May 12-16, we had the LGBT festival in Gothenburg, Sweden. It wasn't the first year, but my first, and the first when the festival moved into the city centre and the main streets and places were richly hung with rainbow flags. Gothenburg has been a city more known for hate crime than LGBT openness, even though we have quite a strong LGBT movement, but this past week gives us a lot of hope. The city council and the company that manages the city's outward appearance, festivals, tourism etc have openly supported the festival. In yesterday's Pride parade (or Rainbow walk, as they've chosen to call it here), all the local parties apart from the Conservatives and the National democrats were represented - ie. including the Christian party! - and several politicians have made appearances during the week. I marched under the Feminist initiative banner, as I'm running for local office for them. It's probably the most LGBT friendly party of them all; 4 out of 5 local candidates are openly queer.

I've held two seminars with a colleague, one on empowerment and changing your inner dialogue, and one on non-violent self-defence. It was great fun and it seemed that our audiences really liked them. One man came back to the second seminar/workshop because he liked the first one so much :) It'll be interesting to see where this leads!

It's been a bit of an overwhelming week in personal terms, and the problem with a festival in your hometown is that your normal life goes on, which isn't the case for people who travel in for the festival. So I've had work to do, and haven't been able to go crazy with seminars and workshops and late night parties.

One thing that annoyed me was how there seems to be this stereotypical dyke look; similar haircuts, similar glasses, similar clothes. Very uniform. How alternative are you if you look like all the other alternative people? I really dislike all forms of stereotypes, and take great pleasure in breaking them :) I'm me, and I'm not changing in order to belong in a group. That is just individuality numbing.

Something else that left me thinking were the Proud Rainbow Parents. I wonder if my parents are proud rainbow parents. They've probably never even thought about that, and I think that even though they're not openly not proud, they are indifferent rather than proud. Well, come to think of it, my mother might actually be not proud and disapproving, even though she wouldn't say so to my face. But it's a shame. All parents should be proud of their children!