Depression awareness

Depression is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign you have been trying to be strong for too long. Put this as your status if you know someone who has/had depression. Will you do it, and leave it on your status for at least an hour? Show your support.

This status update appears every now and then on Facebook, but only today did I use it myself. I don't fully agree with it, as depression is not merely a sign of having "tried too hard"; it is a physiological reaction, a matter of an imbalance in the neurotransmitters. Whether the reasons are endogenous or exogenous, a clinical depression is not merely about "being blue" or sad. And it's not something you just snap out of with positive thinking; not when you've goon deep down.

I spent years and years in deep depression, trying endless medications while trying to be strong and hopeful and not too depressing. I learned that people generally have no clue about what depression really is like; what it's like to pretty much have an inner Dementor who sucks all positivity and happiness from you, drains you of energy, makes you slow, dull, lethargic and infinitely sad – but not sad as in crying or sorrowful, but sad as in devoid of feelings. I felt that it made life grey, dull, muted, and that trying to get myself out of the bog every day was like swimming against an incredibly strong current – I could do it, to a degree, but it was draining. Eventually, after a dozen drugs that never really worked, and ECT that also didn't work, I found medication that finally did the trick. The change was... undescribable. One day I realised that I hadn't been depressed for days. That was 10 years ago.

I went off medication after 4 years, which was hard and took a long time, and in those 6 years, I've only been back on it once, two winters ago. It didn't work as well this time, and I realised that I wasn't up for the side effects, or for becoming a human guinea pig again, trying my way through the various drugs. And the truth is, I haven't gone as deep as I did then. Something changed. Maybe it was that my neurotransmitters work better when I'm not anorexic, maybe the chemical imbalance cleared, maybe I've learned to read the signs and do what I can to beat depression early on. Because while I have no clue how to create a lasting effect on the neurotransmitters, I believe that it should be possible to combat depression with my mind. If I do it early on.

However, I suspect that I am susceptible to depression, and have my annual bouts of it, although like I said, never as deep. They range from a couple of days in the bog, really low and not really able to think too clearly (often induced by a period of stress and fatigue), to months of being low, dysthymic. Because I'm really not good at following schedules and lists and stuff (meaning I forget them), the checklists and things to do when I notice the signs aren't as helpful as they could be. I just try to get on with life like I normally do and accept that things are the way they are right now, but that it will pass. Trying not to be too hard on myself. I am seriously trying to figure out how to create a system that will remind me of being aware of the signals and of what I can do, and hopefully I'll figure something out. After all, I did learn to notice the ED alarms before things start to go wrong... What else can I do?