Counting my blessings

Today I choose to count my blessings rather than my wrongs and injustices

Today I choose to let go of the past rather than dwell on it

Today I choose to focus ahead instead of looking back

Today I choose to learn from what's been and release it

Handle with care

Some days I feel like I should be wearing a "Handle with care" sign. Not because I might explode, but because I  feel really fragile and vulnerable and wish people could be more gentle with me. As a rule, they aren't.

I guess it's partly my fault for being there, listening, taking on a lot without complaining or setting boundaries for when I've had enough; but it can't be all my responsibility, can it? Perhaps I choose to surround myself with people who, well, don't think about that I might be breakable, too, underneath that apparently strong exterior. Or who don't hear me saying that I am. Sometimes, I just wonder when I became the one people tend to dump their problems, their frustrations, their bad moods on. Time and time again, I seem to get stuff thrown at me that I haven't asked for. OK, so I am often willing to lend a listening ear and some support, but that doesn't mean I want to have it thrown at me all the time. Why can't people stop and think, just for a split second, before tossing their problems in someone else's lap or throwing their bad mood in someone's face? Why can't they just be a little bit more gentle?

I've had some pretty rough weeks, with a cold that just won't go away and energy levels that have plummeted. Still, I've tried to give and be there, because that's what I do. That's who I am. When I suddenly realised that I feel completely drained, empty, with nothing left to give, I didn't know how to recharge those batteries, how to fill myself again. I slow down for a day or two, but then I'm right there again, ready to care, to help, to be there. Like I said, because that's who I am. But then I felt like I crashed and just cried and cried. And still, I couldn't prevent myself from feeling other people's anxiety, or sadness, or worries, or you-name-it. And be there. Voluntarily. Until I realised that it was becoming a one-way giving. Suddenly, I felt like I'm constantly giving and not getting anything back. Apart from other people's problems, frustrations, bad moods. It got to the point when I actually stopped caring for people around me, and isolated myself, because I just can't take any more. I can't keep caring about them when they apparently just don't give a f*** about me. Because when I isolate, the phone goes silent.

I though I was getting better, stronger, again, that my energy was coming back. I could smile again, I could laugh again, I didn't start crying when I dropped something. And then, there it is again. I'm the dumping-ground for someone's bad temper and frustration. Who then moves on without thinking about it. Gee, thanks. That, and a bad night's lack of enough sleep, and losing a job assignment, changed this day. I started out calm, happy, positive. Now I feel like I'm again reduced to a blubbering puddle of tears with no energy whatsoever. So bloody tiring!

So please: Handle with care.

Mabon blessing

© Lisa Isaksson

And the Universe replies…

Sometimes an answer can come quickly. Yesterday I wrote about how the transformation that I'm in the midst of more than anything makes me feel very lonely, and in a sense removed from other people, and today I receive this Note from the Universe:

What if loneliness was simply a feeling of impatience, telepathically sent to you by friends you've yet to meet, urging you to go out more, do more, and get involved, so that life's serendipities could bring you together... Would you still feel alone?

What if illness was just the signal a healthy body sent to urge clarification of your thoughts, feelings, and dreams... Would you still, at times, think of yours as diseased? 

What if feelings of uncertainty and confusion were only reminders that you have options, that there's no hurry, and that everything is as it should be... Would you still feel disadvantaged? 

What if mistakes and failures only ever happened when your life was about to get better than it's ever been before... Would you still call them mistakes and failures?

And what if poverty and lack were simply demonstrations of your manifesting prowess, as "difficult" to acquire as wealth and abundance... Would they still cause you to feel powerless? 

Well, whatever you feel, I still consider you my only begotten, my champion, and my equal.

Are we close, or what? 

    The Universe

Uncanny or what? Ah, I love synchronicity, because it shows that I'm getting back into the flow. When I'm in the flow, things around me make sense, I get little signs and replies to the things I'm wondering about, and quite often get the answers I need. (Which aren't necessarily the ones I want, I might add.) With the full moon and equinox coming up, I really hope to break through some more barriers and truly step into the flow again. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that the flow might take the shape of the stirrings of the Cauldron.

And the wheel turns…

New design, in celebration of the coming autumn equinox, or Mabon, which is the name of the Pagan festival at the equinox.

The days are rapidly growing shorter, and every night I am surprised at how early darkness falls. I'm still wondering what happened to summer, where did it go? How could three months go by so fast – June, July, August; all gone, in the blink of an eye. It's been a somewhat overwhelming summer, but I have this feeling that I've wasted it, because I can't see that I've really moved ahead. But maybe it hasn't been a time for moving ahead; or maybe the move ahead isn't something that can be measured yet. I know that things have changed, that I have changed, that my path is becoming clearer as the calling grows stronger and I respond to it; but it's actually with a sense of loss I look back at this summer. I feel that my calling, my path, my destiny, takes me away from the people I love, creates a distance between me and others. And I'm not sure how to bridge that gap.

It's like something has changed so much that I still can't see how much, and definitely haven't got my bearings right yet; and whether that is in me, or in my friends as well, I don't know. But I honestly preferred when things weren't this complicated, when I didn't feel so out of place and removed. I don't even have the words to describe it, even if I could talk to someone, which I'm not sure I can. More than anything, this transformation, so far, makes me feel immensely lonely. I hope that will change. Because I don't want to be alone any more. I want my path to bring me closer to the people I love, not further away from them.

I still, somewhere, have that same feeling that my time may be coming that I wrote about last month, but at the moment it feels dominated by an overwhelming feeling of being completely drained, empty. Quite depressed, really. I hope that as we move into autumn, I will get more energy again; more energy to be creative, to figure out what I want to do next in order to dream, create, and manifest my future. And to figure out how to make things less complicated, and find a solution to what seems to be the biggest lesson right now: how to not give so much of myself that there is nothing left for me, and how to learn to ask for what I need. It seems I have to make myself clearer on that point. Honestly, I feel like I (once again) focused so much on giving that I not only drained myself but also forgot what I need, or how to ask for it. Seems I have some work cut out before me.

But today is a beautiful autumn day, the sky clear blue, and the leaves still green. Where are the autumn leaves? So far, I've found one maple tree with gorgeous red leaves, but that's about it. I even saw a blooming dandelion the other day. But there is a definite autumnal bite in the wind, and the wheel is turning…

Here's to beautiful autumn days and stormy autumn nights!

Yay me!

6 years… Some time now in mid-September, it's been six years since I walked down a street in my hometown Göteborg one night, kicking at autumn leaves, and suddenly thought: "I think it's over now." So simple, so sudden, so… undramatic. Matter-of-fact, even. Anorexia was no more. 25 years of my life were over.

Of course it didn't happen overnight; what had been an integral part of my life, at times the most important part, the one thing I desperately clung to, didn't suddenly disappear. It had taken years. But that very night, whose date I don't remember, marks my declaration of recovery, as it was then that I realised that my life was no longer controlled by the eating disorder. I wasn't controlled by it. I was free. I am free.

I still prefer to think of myself as free, rather than recovered, for the simple reason that I never regarded myself as being ill. I don't know what it says in my medical files; whether I was ever certified as being ill, or for that matter recovered. But it doesn't matter. To me, the eating disorder, all those anorexic years, weren't an illness; it was my way of living. What probably initally started out as a coping mechanism, that became a way of life, that became a disorder that took over my life and almost killed me. But not an illness or sickness. It was more than that; it was my entire life. It was what I grew up with, what I matured in parallel with, something that had always been there. I didn't have a "before" to compare with or fall back on; I don't remember a before, I was too young then. So my way out wasn't about rehabilitation, but habilitation; it wasn't about finding a way back to a healthy life, but about figuring out what a free, recovered, healthy life was for me. There was no key to this particular equation; I had to find it for myself. I had to create, or discover (rediscover?), an identity without anorexia. And, for that matter, without a whole bunch of other things. It took me a couple of years, but I got there. Obviously.

Everything wasn't great that September night; everything still isn't. From time to time, I go through periods of anxiety, I tend to get depressed when I get exhausted, at times I've got a head full of thoughts about whether or not what I'm feeling is normal. I'm human, everything will never be great. But I no longer self-destruct when I feel bad, I don't place my feelings on the plate before me or in the loo. I'm not eating disordered any more. The dark mirror has lost its grip and lure; I am free.

September Circle of Light

The September Circle of Light will be held tonight, September 8.

The purpose of the Circle of Light is to connect us as a community and to connect to the Healing and Lifegiving flame of Goddess. To send a circle of healing light into the world. This is done in whatever way feels right for you.

The connection to the Circle of Light starts at 6pm local time and goes until the following morning. Please light a candle and tap into the web of energy that we create with our participation. No matter when you connect, the presence of our collective spirits and Goddess will be there.

For the September Circle of Light, let us work from a place of grace and gratitude to manifest that which we want more of. Rest assured that we are held by Goddess and provided for – lean back into the Mother's arms and trust Her. Have faith that all will be well.

Fill your mind with gratitude, feel the love, and dream. From the dreams, we manifest our future. We get more of that which we focus on, so direct your mind in positivity and light, and with a wish for the greater good, to what you want at this time. Ask that your prayers be heard, if they are meant to be, and dream the future.

This is the time: Who do you want to be? What life do you choose? Dream it into being. The Mother will provide, albeit not necessarily in the way we want or expect. She hears our prayers and knows our dreams; She will give us what we need.

Join in this Circle of Light and weave a web of love and gratitude that will manifest a new life, a new world. Shine the light of Avalon, and let it reflect in your light!

For more information on the Circle of Light, go here.

Blessed be
Lisa