Is it my time soon?

I have a strangely good feeling that's been growing for some time. An excitement about I don't know what. The not knowing bit means I feel good/excited/slightly nervous/a bit anxious; all in one. Like something's finally going to give, I will finally break out of this … shell, for lack of a better word. Move on to the next level. It's like something in me is vibrating faster, at a higher frequency. A most strange and wonderful sensation.

Something happened at the Litha full moon just after summer solstice, up at Lake Delsjön with a friend (Sister!) and bats in the air. I don't know what. Maybe I reclaimed my Priestess self, maybe Goddess reclaimed me, pulled me back into Her service (much like when She initiated me), reminded me of my calling and true nature. The part of me I cannot live without, cannot be whole without. I'm not sure. All I know is that it was the first time in a long time that I was a Priestess.

Since then, it's felt like my path has taken me to some pretty dark places; away from people, in a sense away from life. I was blessed with the chance to guide a soul to the other side, when a friend's cat had to be put to sleep, and was surprised at how naturally it came to me. But it was emotionally hard, and draining, and even thinking about it still makes me cry. I think the hardest part was that I can only go so far as to the "gate" to the Summerland, and then have to go back, leaving that other soul behind. Even though I knew she was fine, and would be fine, in that place where there is no longing or sorrow, but only love and happiness. Having been allowed to truly see another soul like that, I know how she feels and can in a sense touch base with her, but I cannot be there. Leaving was hard, and it took me quite some time to fully be back here (I guess next time I should bring chocolate). And I know it wasn't the last time I made that journey.

I've walked through a lot of old pain, old wounds, and fears and feelings that have come from my past: the fear of not being worthy, of not being lovable, of not belonging; the fear that if I don't give enough or if I demand too much, my friends won't think I'm worth being friends with (and I know how stupid that sounds); the pain of past rejections, of feeling that I'm out in the cold, alone; and the pain of wanting to be open and receiving, but not knowing how to do it. I've learned that I may have to give it time, because this is an old habit that dies very, very, very hard. But I am opening to it, and I will get there. Whenever there is a will to change, the change will come.

And so … in the midst of this, there has been this good feeling that everything will be fine, that something is coming, that this is in fact the darkest part of the night, right before the sunrise; the last struggle before the breakthrough, the shedding of the old. I'm not sure if it's over, but something is shifting and this good feeling is growing stronger. You know the feeling of butterflies in your stomach? Something like that.

My friend said the other day that it feels like it is my time now. Soon. And I agree. I feel the same. The door is open, more so than ever before, and I pray that I will never let fear shut it again…