Projection

Projection... something we all experience every now and then, whether from the giving or the receiving side. Someone says or does something that pushes a button, and we project our thoughts, fears, or other issues onto that person, completely disregarding whether our reaction is justified or not. Usually not, as what we react to is our own stuff, rather than what the other person said or did or didn't.

I've learned to always be aware of my reactions and to stop and see whether they are about my issues or about the situation at hand, and that has helped me stop projecting, and to understand when others project things on me. Which has happened quite a lot. It still hurts me, as it makes me feel misunderstood, mistreated and, sometimes, betrayed, when i.e. someone puts words in my mouth or decides to give her/himself the right to decide my intentions. But I guess that comes with the territory: when you do support/self-help work, coaching, self-esteem work, you are bound to meet people whose issues are quite raw and who are totally unaware of this, and who, because of their issues and fears and guilt, get defensive before you can even open your mouth. The trick is to not take it on yourself, to let the other person's issues be her/his; to let people own their issues. Owning your stuff, and taking responsibility for it and for your own actions, reactions, behaviours etc. is fundamental for growing, becoming empowered and for gaining self-esteem. And not least for gaining self-knowledge; knowing and owning your issues makes you much less susceptible for projecting them onto others, and helps you to understand yourself.

A very close friend of mine, someone I consider one of my best friends, gave me a very unexpected and quite hurtful example of projection last weekend. We were out on the town and I made a casual remark about those scales that measure not only your weight, but also your body fat. What I said was that if I got one of those, I wonder how obsessed I would be with the fat percentage. (Of course I would want to see it lower, just like I still would with my weight, but as I no longer bother to do anything about it, the chance it would push me over to the other side is pretty slim. But I still can't help but be careful as I just don't know how I would react. However, I didn't say any of that.) She really flipped; told me that how do I think she feels about that when she weighs more than me and is 4 inches shorter (true). Huh? I didn't say I thought I was too big, and it's not as if she has ever had any problems talking about these things. I could have understood her reaction if I had said something about wanting to lose weight or fat, but I didn't.

With hindsight, I could see that it was about her issues. Although she is easily one of the most beautiful women I know, she obviously had a bad day. But I can't help what I look like, can I? I will not feel guilty for looking the way I do! I honestly think it's deeply unfair if I have to censor my thoughts just because I may look a certain way.

Being projected against sucks, especially when someone puts words in your mouth or thoughts in your head that weren't there. And it hurts when that someone is a person you trust to think more of you. But what to do except for letting it go and putting it behind you?

~L~