Well, that's what it feels like at the moment. Like I'm in this mad race, running for my life to catch up with life, and with precious little time to stop, breathe, ground myself and just be. The wheels are spinning way too fast, and the sad thing is that it's really just work that I'm worked up about. Even after I realised that I would be able to meet the deadline for the huge systems testing and alignment project I got sucked into, the stress is still almost overpowering. It's like I've forgotten how to not be this stressed. I don't even know if it's all stress, or some stress and some anxiety. How do I tell the difference when the symptoms are the same? Does it even matter?
The wheels are turning so fast I can barely see life passing by, and I have a feeling that I might, at any second, come crashing down at full speed. I don't know if the brakes work, or even where to find them; or if I even remember how to slow down. Is the proverbial wall still miles away or so close that I just don't see it?
Work is a stressor when I don't know if I'll manage it, in time and with a satisfying quality. But there's another aspect, too: money. If my publisher drop the fantasy book club, chances are that they will drop "my" author and I will all of a sudden lose what has been a substantial part of my income for the past few (2? 3?) years. A "substantial part" meaning pretty much half of my income last year and possibly even more this year. Yes, it is that bad. And it is a huge stress factor as I can't possibly control or affect it in any way. It doesn't matter how good the translation is, if they decide to drop the author. It is beyond my control. And getting other literary translation jobs is not easy.
And to top things off, another one of my larger non-literary clients notified us last week that they are changing their payment terms, to 45 days from the 1st of October and to 60 (!) from the 1st of January. Why? Their clients hav extended their payment terms. What can I do? Say "no, I can't accept that"? I could, but it means they won't buy my services anymore. It's the buyer's market. And the IRS and my landlord, phone company etc probably won't do me the courtesy of extending my terms to 2 months just because I don't get regular pay, like normal people.
So I'm stressed and worried, to the breaking point. It's not like I have to turn down lots of work and clients; I have nothing else in place to fall back on, no safety net. After 9 years in the business, you might think you're in the clear, that it should work out, that the worst is over. Well, it seems not. Maybe it's just a slump, but it's lasted for a long time now and only seems to be getting worse.
I keep thinking that since it's beyond my control, why worry? Shouldn't I place my faith in Goddess, pray that She gets me safely through this, stand strong in my belief that all is as it should be and things will work out? That would be so nice, but it feels like a cop-out, like I'm handing over the responsibility for my life and my actions to a higher power. There must be something I can do to affect what is happening. I have faith in Goddess, but that doesn't mean that I'm not responsible for my life and for being active and pro-active in my life. I've worked hard for everything I have accomplished in life, for everything I have; it doesn't come easily to me, so why should it be otherwise now? When the going gets tough, I just have to hang in there until it gets better again.
I pray that Goddess helps me to find peace in this mad race, a way to break the too fast pace, for something to lessen my worries, a job opening, a new opportunity... Something. But I do worry. I have bills to pay and cats to care for; insurance, loans, credits. I also have dance classes, my continued Priestess training that I will have to postpone for yet another year as there's no way I can pay the £900 something course fee. Even if I pay in monthly installments, that requires me to know that I will have an income with which to pay. I don't know that. And I can't help feeling that there are people who would judge me for not putting that faith in Goddess, for not signing up and trusting Her to find a way. To care less about the "how" and just trust that it will happen. But I still think that it's up to me to make things work. She will help me find a way, but it's my responsibility to do what needs to be done.
So what can I do? Focus on the task at hand. Do my best in work and pray that it is enough. I should do a whole lot of things: look for other translation openings with other publishers, actively seek out clients by contacting agencies and web listings, see what my options for other work are. I am alone in this in the sense that no-one else can chip in and help me out; I am on my own in providing for myself. I am, however, not alone - or need not be alone - in dealing with the stress and worry and anxiety. But it's hard to change a lifetime of coping on your own; of always trying so hard. Especially when there is no time, even for myself. Because even though my work may not take up a double full time or even full time, with the exhaustion reaction or PTSD or whatever it is that I'm still struggling with from last year, everything takes longer that it would normally do, and I'm too exhausted at the end of the work day to really wind down.
I'm unbalanced. My chakras are unbalanced, the elements are unbalanced in me. I can feel it; others can see and/or feel it, too. But how can I stop, readjust my energy flows and take the time I need when I have neither the time nor the money to do so? It's so easy for others to give advice; they don't have to meet my deadlines or pay my bills, they don't have to look into all the little facets of my life. So whenever someone tells me that I need to wind down and re-balance myself, they probably don't realise that they are adding to my stress and rubbing it in. So I actually prefer to keep shut rather than to get well-intended but misguided advice.
I trust that this, too, will pass, and that there will be an opening. In the meantime, all I can do is to do my work as best I can and hope...
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Dance, dance, dance
Tribal Fusion and Gothic Bellydance
This is the stuff I'm dabbling in, and hoping to one day be better at.
First out: My fantastic teacher Callisto - from Tribal PowerTrip in Gothenburg, Sweden
Wonderful, magical, amazing Rachel Brice:
Morgana: "Felis Catus"
Asharah, from Darkest Dance Spectacle
Ariellah, from the Tribal Revolution DVD
Aren't they just amazing?!
In October, during the Dark & Tribalicious weekend here in Gothenburg, Sweden, I'll take workshops for Ariellah, Asharah, and Morgana. Guess who's feeling very excited and just a teeny bit intimidated!
If you're in Gothenburg on October 10, I absolutely think you should see the Dark & Tribalicous show. It's a unique opportunity to see some of the top Tribal Fusion and Gothic Bellydance dancers.
Saturday, 5 September 2009
Barley moon
It was a dark and stormy night...
Well, it does get dark early now, already before 9pm it's dark outside. When did the endless summer nights end and autumn creep in on us? And it is quite stormy, too.
The rain stopped, so I went for a walk, a full moon walk. In all honesty, I didn't expect to see the moon because it's so cloudy, but it seems the storm has torn apart the clouds, which were chasing each other across the sky, and across the moon. Dramatic, dark clouds that rush past the full face of the moon, dark centres and silvery and goldy edges against the lit backdrop of the sky, is just amazing. Awe-inspiring. And it's surprisingly mild outside. Still some of the summer warmth.
It's nice to walk under the full moon, soak in the moonlight, feel my soul singing in unison with the moon's powerful energy. I realise how I've thirsted for this for so long; thirsting for something I'd almost forgotten I needed, and now... I come alive again. My body is singing, every cell suddenly awake and rejuvenated. I inhale the light, the Mother's energy emanating from the moon; I feel my Priestess self stirring restlessly, growing inside of me. That part of myself is re-surfacing, it is soon time to step it up, to take the next step and claim my place. For Her.
Goddess is with me and inside of me, Her Divine energy all around. When I move my fingers, it's like they ripple through the energy, I feel it rising from the earth and moving. I feel it. I touch it. I breathe it. I am it.
Tears rising in my eyes, the oceans in my body rising to the full moon, called by Selene. I feel whole again, safe in the elements, the wind ruffling my hair and catching my breath. I've missed this so much, and I didn't even know. I miss Avalon, but right here, right now - this is Avalon. The mists have parted, just like the clouds parted to reveal the glorious moon. Her beauty makes me want to weep with joy, with gratitude, with love. I am so happy to be alive in this very moment.
I know. This will pass. But it won't go away. I cannot deny who I am, I cannot deny the power rising inside, the calling. The Lady is calling me home, to serve, to guide, to remember who I am so I can shine Her light and speak Her words. I know what I have promised, and I am not backing down. I am scared, I am intimidated, I doubt myself - but I don't doubt Her. She will guide me.
I may not be able to continue my training this year, either. I can barely pay my bills and taxes as it is, and the future looks too risky for me to dare take any chances. Part of me scolds me for not trusting Her enough, tells me to just dive in and trust Goddess to provide for me. To surrender the outcome to Her. This is the voice that says what I am afraid others may think; people who would judge me for not giving up everything for Goddess and just trust Her.
Another part, and a much stronger one, says that I am doing the responsible thing by looking after myself and the things I need to prioritise. What good would it do to go back into training and then stress and worry myself sick over money? Goddess doesn't need me stressful and anxious. There is surrender and surrender; there are times when surrendering can be irresponsible. This feels like one of them.
I am torn between what I want - to go back to Glastonbury regularly to continue the training there, to have the full on experience again - and what I feel is the right thing to do. Two different energies: what I want is this jittery, bubbly excitement; to do the right thing, be responsible, is a calmer but stronger energy. Like the little waves on the river surface compared to the powerful, invisible and strong undercurrent. I hate not being able to do it now, not even by correspondence, but it feels like the Lady wants me to take the next step in a different way. Unless something dramatically changes in the next month, that is. Like winning the lottery or coming upon a huge amount of money.
I don't think She's asking me to take the next step entirely alone, though. There are people here who have expressed an interest in ceremonies, festivals, maybe even a workshop. And I've already had the outlines to a full year of regular workshops coming together since my dedication, almost two years ago. As well as four moon ceremonies over the year, linking the moon's four faces to the wheel of the year - those I wrote during the Litha training weekend, in July 2007. Being a ceremonialist feels strangely natural to me. It's just the logistics and the timing that need to be worked out now. And they will work out.
Bit by bit, it's coming together. And the dance is a part of it, of course, as it always has been.
I would have SO wanted to be able to contribute with something for the Lover conference, but what can I do that no-one else isn't already doing, and better than me? At least I will be there. Hopefully, I may even go back home to Glastonbury at some point before that.
Even the thought of going back, walking those streets and lanes that I know so well that I can close my eyes and feel them, to see the Tor again, to be in the Temple, to sit down under the apple tree in Chalice Well, feel my roots reconnecting to the Earth-root and the Source... it makes me smile in excitement.
I breathe in moonlight and rest in the arms of Goddess
Well, it does get dark early now, already before 9pm it's dark outside. When did the endless summer nights end and autumn creep in on us? And it is quite stormy, too.
The rain stopped, so I went for a walk, a full moon walk. In all honesty, I didn't expect to see the moon because it's so cloudy, but it seems the storm has torn apart the clouds, which were chasing each other across the sky, and across the moon. Dramatic, dark clouds that rush past the full face of the moon, dark centres and silvery and goldy edges against the lit backdrop of the sky, is just amazing. Awe-inspiring. And it's surprisingly mild outside. Still some of the summer warmth.
It's nice to walk under the full moon, soak in the moonlight, feel my soul singing in unison with the moon's powerful energy. I realise how I've thirsted for this for so long; thirsting for something I'd almost forgotten I needed, and now... I come alive again. My body is singing, every cell suddenly awake and rejuvenated. I inhale the light, the Mother's energy emanating from the moon; I feel my Priestess self stirring restlessly, growing inside of me. That part of myself is re-surfacing, it is soon time to step it up, to take the next step and claim my place. For Her.
Goddess is with me and inside of me, Her Divine energy all around. When I move my fingers, it's like they ripple through the energy, I feel it rising from the earth and moving. I feel it. I touch it. I breathe it. I am it.
Tears rising in my eyes, the oceans in my body rising to the full moon, called by Selene. I feel whole again, safe in the elements, the wind ruffling my hair and catching my breath. I've missed this so much, and I didn't even know. I miss Avalon, but right here, right now - this is Avalon. The mists have parted, just like the clouds parted to reveal the glorious moon. Her beauty makes me want to weep with joy, with gratitude, with love. I am so happy to be alive in this very moment.
I know. This will pass. But it won't go away. I cannot deny who I am, I cannot deny the power rising inside, the calling. The Lady is calling me home, to serve, to guide, to remember who I am so I can shine Her light and speak Her words. I know what I have promised, and I am not backing down. I am scared, I am intimidated, I doubt myself - but I don't doubt Her. She will guide me.
I may not be able to continue my training this year, either. I can barely pay my bills and taxes as it is, and the future looks too risky for me to dare take any chances. Part of me scolds me for not trusting Her enough, tells me to just dive in and trust Goddess to provide for me. To surrender the outcome to Her. This is the voice that says what I am afraid others may think; people who would judge me for not giving up everything for Goddess and just trust Her.
Another part, and a much stronger one, says that I am doing the responsible thing by looking after myself and the things I need to prioritise. What good would it do to go back into training and then stress and worry myself sick over money? Goddess doesn't need me stressful and anxious. There is surrender and surrender; there are times when surrendering can be irresponsible. This feels like one of them.
I am torn between what I want - to go back to Glastonbury regularly to continue the training there, to have the full on experience again - and what I feel is the right thing to do. Two different energies: what I want is this jittery, bubbly excitement; to do the right thing, be responsible, is a calmer but stronger energy. Like the little waves on the river surface compared to the powerful, invisible and strong undercurrent. I hate not being able to do it now, not even by correspondence, but it feels like the Lady wants me to take the next step in a different way. Unless something dramatically changes in the next month, that is. Like winning the lottery or coming upon a huge amount of money.
I don't think She's asking me to take the next step entirely alone, though. There are people here who have expressed an interest in ceremonies, festivals, maybe even a workshop. And I've already had the outlines to a full year of regular workshops coming together since my dedication, almost two years ago. As well as four moon ceremonies over the year, linking the moon's four faces to the wheel of the year - those I wrote during the Litha training weekend, in July 2007. Being a ceremonialist feels strangely natural to me. It's just the logistics and the timing that need to be worked out now. And they will work out.
Bit by bit, it's coming together. And the dance is a part of it, of course, as it always has been.
I would have SO wanted to be able to contribute with something for the Lover conference, but what can I do that no-one else isn't already doing, and better than me? At least I will be there. Hopefully, I may even go back home to Glastonbury at some point before that.
Even the thought of going back, walking those streets and lanes that I know so well that I can close my eyes and feel them, to see the Tor again, to be in the Temple, to sit down under the apple tree in Chalice Well, feel my roots reconnecting to the Earth-root and the Source... it makes me smile in excitement.
I breathe in moonlight and rest in the arms of Goddess
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