Barley moon

It was a dark and stormy night...

Well, it does get dark early now, already before 9pm it's dark outside. When did the endless summer nights end and autumn creep in on us? And it is quite stormy, too.

The rain stopped, so I went for a walk, a full moon walk. In all honesty, I didn't expect to see the moon because it's so cloudy, but it seems the storm has torn apart the clouds, which were chasing each other across the sky, and across the moon. Dramatic, dark clouds that rush past the full face of the moon, dark centres and silvery and goldy edges against the lit backdrop of the sky, is just amazing. Awe-inspiring. And it's surprisingly mild outside. Still some of the summer warmth.

It's nice to walk under the full moon, soak in the moonlight, feel my soul singing in unison with the moon's powerful energy. I realise how I've thirsted for this for so long; thirsting for something I'd almost forgotten I needed, and now... I come alive again. My body is singing, every cell suddenly awake and rejuvenated. I inhale the light, the Mother's energy emanating from the moon; I feel my Priestess self stirring restlessly, growing inside of me. That part of myself is re-surfacing, it is soon time to step it up, to take the next step and claim my place. For Her.

Goddess is with me and inside of me, Her Divine energy all around. When I move my fingers, it's like they ripple through the energy, I feel it rising from the earth and moving. I feel it. I touch it. I breathe it. I am it.

Tears rising in my eyes, the oceans in my body rising to the full moon, called by Selene. I feel whole again, safe in the elements, the wind ruffling my hair and catching my breath. I've missed this so much, and I didn't even know. I miss Avalon, but right here, right now - this is Avalon. The mists have parted, just like the clouds parted to reveal the glorious moon. Her beauty makes me want to weep with joy, with gratitude, with love. I am so happy to be alive in this very moment.

I know. This will pass. But it won't go away. I cannot deny who I am, I cannot deny the power rising inside, the calling. The Lady is calling me home, to serve, to guide, to remember who I am so I can shine Her light and speak Her words. I know what I have promised, and I am not backing down. I am scared, I am intimidated, I doubt myself - but I don't doubt Her. She will guide me.

I may not be able to continue my training this year, either. I can barely pay my bills and taxes as it is, and the future looks too risky for me to dare take any chances. Part of me scolds me for not trusting Her enough, tells me to just dive in and trust Goddess to provide for me. To surrender the outcome to Her. This is the voice that says what I am afraid others may think; people who would judge me for not giving up everything for Goddess and just trust Her.
Another part, and a much stronger one, says that I am doing the responsible thing by looking after myself and the things I need to prioritise. What good would it do to go back into training and then stress and worry myself sick over money? Goddess doesn't need me stressful and anxious. There is surrender and surrender; there are times when surrendering can be irresponsible. This feels like one of them.

I am torn between what I want - to go back to Glastonbury regularly to continue the training there, to have the full on experience again - and what I feel is the right thing to do. Two different energies: what I want is this jittery, bubbly excitement; to do the right thing, be responsible, is a calmer but stronger energy. Like the little waves on the river surface compared to the powerful, invisible and strong undercurrent. I hate not being able to do it now, not even by correspondence, but it feels like the Lady wants me to take the next step in a different way. Unless something dramatically changes in the next month, that is. Like winning the lottery or coming upon a huge amount of money.

I don't think She's asking me to take the next step entirely alone, though. There are people here who have expressed an interest in ceremonies, festivals, maybe even a workshop. And I've already had the outlines to a full year of regular workshops coming together since my dedication, almost two years ago. As well as four moon ceremonies over the year, linking the moon's four faces to the wheel of the year - those I wrote during the Litha training weekend, in July 2007. Being a ceremonialist feels strangely natural to me. It's just the logistics and the timing that need to be worked out now. And they will work out.

Bit by bit, it's coming together. And the dance is a part of it, of course, as it always has been.

I would have SO wanted to be able to contribute with something for the Lover conference, but what can I do that no-one else isn't already doing, and better than me? At least I will be there. Hopefully, I may even go back home to Glastonbury at some point before that.

Even the thought of going back, walking those streets and lanes that I know so well that I can close my eyes and feel them, to see the Tor again, to be in the Temple, to sit down under the apple tree in Chalice Well, feel my roots reconnecting to the Earth-root and the Source... it makes me smile in excitement.

I breathe in moonlight and rest in the arms of Goddess

Image belonging to Josephine Wall. No copyright infringement intended.