Well, that's what it feels like at the moment. Like I'm in this mad race, running for my life to catch up with life, and with precious little time to stop, breathe, ground myself and just be. The wheels are spinning way too fast, and the sad thing is that it's really just work that I'm worked up about. Even after I realised that I would be able to meet the deadline for the huge systems testing and alignment project I got sucked into, the stress is still almost overpowering. It's like I've forgotten how to not be this stressed. I don't even know if it's all stress, or some stress and some anxiety. How do I tell the difference when the symptoms are the same? Does it even matter?
The wheels are turning so fast I can barely see life passing by, and I have a feeling that I might, at any second, come crashing down at full speed. I don't know if the brakes work, or even where to find them; or if I even remember how to slow down. Is the proverbial wall still miles away or so close that I just don't see it?
Work is a stressor when I don't know if I'll manage it, in time and with a satisfying quality. But there's another aspect, too: money. If my publisher drop the fantasy book club, chances are that they will drop "my" author and I will all of a sudden lose what has been a substantial part of my income for the past few (2? 3?) years. A "substantial part" meaning pretty much half of my income last year and possibly even more this year. Yes, it is that bad. And it is a huge stress factor as I can't possibly control or affect it in any way. It doesn't matter how good the translation is, if they decide to drop the author. It is beyond my control. And getting other literary translation jobs is not easy.
And to top things off, another one of my larger non-literary clients notified us last week that they are changing their payment terms, to 45 days from the 1st of October and to 60 (!) from the 1st of January. Why? Their clients hav extended their payment terms. What can I do? Say "no, I can't accept that"? I could, but it means they won't buy my services anymore. It's the buyer's market. And the IRS and my landlord, phone company etc probably won't do me the courtesy of extending my terms to 2 months just because I don't get regular pay, like normal people.
So I'm stressed and worried, to the breaking point. It's not like I have to turn down lots of work and clients; I have nothing else in place to fall back on, no safety net. After 9 years in the business, you might think you're in the clear, that it should work out, that the worst is over. Well, it seems not. Maybe it's just a slump, but it's lasted for a long time now and only seems to be getting worse.
I keep thinking that since it's beyond my control, why worry? Shouldn't I place my faith in Goddess, pray that She gets me safely through this, stand strong in my belief that all is as it should be and things will work out? That would be so nice, but it feels like a cop-out, like I'm handing over the responsibility for my life and my actions to a higher power. There must be something I can do to affect what is happening. I have faith in Goddess, but that doesn't mean that I'm not responsible for my life and for being active and pro-active in my life. I've worked hard for everything I have accomplished in life, for everything I have; it doesn't come easily to me, so why should it be otherwise now? When the going gets tough, I just have to hang in there until it gets better again.
I pray that Goddess helps me to find peace in this mad race, a way to break the too fast pace, for something to lessen my worries, a job opening, a new opportunity... Something. But I do worry. I have bills to pay and cats to care for; insurance, loans, credits. I also have dance classes, my continued Priestess training that I will have to postpone for yet another year as there's no way I can pay the £900 something course fee. Even if I pay in monthly installments, that requires me to know that I will have an income with which to pay. I don't know that. And I can't help feeling that there are people who would judge me for not putting that faith in Goddess, for not signing up and trusting Her to find a way. To care less about the "how" and just trust that it will happen. But I still think that it's up to me to make things work. She will help me find a way, but it's my responsibility to do what needs to be done.
So what can I do? Focus on the task at hand. Do my best in work and pray that it is enough. I should do a whole lot of things: look for other translation openings with other publishers, actively seek out clients by contacting agencies and web listings, see what my options for other work are. I am alone in this in the sense that no-one else can chip in and help me out; I am on my own in providing for myself. I am, however, not alone - or need not be alone - in dealing with the stress and worry and anxiety. But it's hard to change a lifetime of coping on your own; of always trying so hard. Especially when there is no time, even for myself. Because even though my work may not take up a double full time or even full time, with the exhaustion reaction or PTSD or whatever it is that I'm still struggling with from last year, everything takes longer that it would normally do, and I'm too exhausted at the end of the work day to really wind down.
I'm unbalanced. My chakras are unbalanced, the elements are unbalanced in me. I can feel it; others can see and/or feel it, too. But how can I stop, readjust my energy flows and take the time I need when I have neither the time nor the money to do so? It's so easy for others to give advice; they don't have to meet my deadlines or pay my bills, they don't have to look into all the little facets of my life. So whenever someone tells me that I need to wind down and re-balance myself, they probably don't realise that they are adding to my stress and rubbing it in. So I actually prefer to keep shut rather than to get well-intended but misguided advice.
I trust that this, too, will pass, and that there will be an opening. In the meantime, all I can do is to do my work as best I can and hope...
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