Strangely holey

Can you deny a hole so hard that it goes away? Or will it always be there, underneath the denial, until you find a way to fill it?

However hard I try to escape the black holes in my mind, the darkness, the emptiness, I only manage so far. It's not an escape in the sense of thinking I can get away from it; more a temporary escape from the feelings while waiting for the light to return. But there is more to it than the darkness of depression. That doesn't account for the emptiness and the hole inside. Only partially.

I keep thinking that if I fake being whole, act as if I were, fill my life with things that make me feel alive, I will be whole. "Fake it 'til you make it," right?
I keep thinking that if I can deny the hole, I won't fall into it, and perhaps not even notice it. But can I make it go away by ignoring it? By trying to fill it with other things - things that are meaningful and fill my life with light and joy - but that still aren't what is missing? The hole is after something that's gone missing, and it doesn't seem like I can fill it with just anything. Or anyone.

I have something in my life that is so important that no matter how bad I feel, I know it makes me feel alive, well, happy. For a time, at least. It's dance. As essential as breathing, but the effect doesn't stay for too long. Is it a life-force or a drug; is it part of my being, the very essence of my Self, something that I do because I am alive, or is it something that makes me feel alive by replacing or numbing something else? It can be like a drug in the sense of the dance high, the endorphin rush, the adrenaline rush, but in the best sense possible. Not to mention harmless. It is fire, it is passion, it is creativity - the complete opposites of darkness and depression.
But it's not enough to heal me, or my life.

When I immerse myself in dance, work, social life, TV, movies, and more than anything else the Twilight Saga, I almost forget about the emptiness, the loneliness, the hole in my heart. I can laugh, I can interact, I can be happy, I can seem normal, insofar as I ever am. I am good great at keeping up pretences, and even better because the happy face is true. Even when it's not the happy face, I have a polite mask that is almost free from cracks apart from for those who know what to look for, or those who get to catch a glimpse of what's behind the mask. The polite mask is the one I don't really know how to put aside, as it's grown to me. And people believe it. People in general like to believe the lie, the camouflage, the pretences; it is easier that way.

But when I'm alone again, when the movie's over, the final page of the book turned, when I get weary of endlessly flicking through the channels, when the dance is over and there is nothing and no-one to occupy my mind with, I am still holey. Sometimes, the pain is so strong that I have to remind myself to breathe and all I can do is hold myself together. I know it will pass. Outside of the clutter and distractions of life, I feel lost, invisible, empty and very lonely. And I fear that I have forgotten how to open my heart and life and let someone else in.

Because, of course that's what it's all about: Love. I hold so much love inside that I sometimes feel like I could burst into flames or explode in a myriad of tiny hearts. But there is nowhere to channel it; no-one to share it with. The give-and-take of shared love, of giving and receiving love, of being loved... that's missing in my life. And has been for a long, long time.

And it is a missing piece, a hole in my heart that is waiting to be filled, and that can't be filled with anything else. It will not make me whole, people and life are far more complicated than that, but it is a missing piece that doesn't go away just because I ignore it. At times I am more successful at denial, but not at the moment. For some reason, I keep coming back to it, which probably means that there is something to learn, to prepare, to change - to open myself for. Could this be what I've felt/seen - is it finally time soon?

At the moment, I feel probably as far from relationships and dating as I ever have, and romantically it is dark. The darkest night, the new moon. But it is in the darkest night that light is reborn. Or in the darkness of the eclipse, the split second before light returns. So maybe it's time to bring out the shades and open my heart again. In spite of my fears, I pray that I will keep the doors of my heart open.