Sweet oblivion

I'm tired, feel like I have no energy to interact even with my friends. Maybe that's because several of my friends have needed my energy lately and I have been an attentive ear, a sympathetic friend who listens and questions and dares to go deeper into the real issues. Apprecieted most of the time, but not very rewarding for me. I get no kicks from gratitude, and I don't feel all warm and fuzzy when I can help someone sort their shit out. I just feel more like a mentor than a friend and am so longing for my peers, my equals, my older sisters with their wisdom and experience. Am sick and tired of being the voice of reason, the wise friend who people come to for some unloading. It's gotten to the point when I almost don't want to talk to them at all, I want everyone to back off instead of asking me for anything at all, even to listen to their positive stuff. Because I just really don't want to care; caring takes too much energy. I'm a natural carer, I have almost limitless energy, love and attention for friends, but there is a limit and I'm close to it.

Right now, I choose to close my close relationships as the friends who were close have been too needy and unable to understand my dynamics, and I just can't be bothered to let them in. I choose to close parts of myself off to anyone who comes asking for anything - even for positive things - as I don't want to give anymore. For some it may come as a relief when a friend asks how they are doing; for me it doesn't work if said friend has just unloaded a lot of stuff. I don't volunteer information. I hardly ever do, and when I do it's only to a very select few. It has something to do with trust, but more with energy. It also has a lot to do with the dynamics of any relationship and the fact that I prefer to unload for a therapist than a friend. I talk to my T rather than to friends even though I don't always let her in on the entire picture either.
I'm way, way more open to friends, have more people who get to be there more for me and whom I can ask for support - when I choose to - and I'm way more open and honest with my T too, but I need for her to push me. I wouldn't lie to her, but I don't volunteer anything and I'm a champion at hiding stuff. If I don't want you to know, you never ever will. Unless you're a bloody great intuitive.

I'm seeing my T today, after three weeks of holiday, and where I felt last week that I had so much to talk to her about, today I feel like I don't know what to say. I feel blah, bland, cut off, blank, numb. My mood is the mental equivalent of a shrug. I'm sort of positive, or at least not depressed (right now), could easily access that happy, smily part of me and still be genuine. But I don't see why I should. I'm not interested in spilling my guts out to friends, but am not sure how well I can put it into words and tell my T. I think it's time to see her less regularly, forthnightly instead of weekly, and I really don't know what I may need to go into with her at the moment. Perhaps that's because I'm too cut off emotionally, perhaps because it's a blind spot that she can see but I can't.
I mean, I don't really have any huge issues anymore, I don't starve or purge or cut, I'm not in a messy relationship (or any relationship), I've managed to say No to friends when I don't want to give anymore... I'm coping. She can't change my life, she can't get the work/money to roll in, she can't get me hooked up with D or anyone else, she can't change me or the people around me. But she can help me get a perspective, she can ask the right questions, she can question and mirror me - and she knows me better than anyone.

I do long for the sweet oblivion of anorexia, the mad focus, the tunnel vision, the situation that nothing else matters as long as I lose weight. I really do long for it, for the drama, for an escape from this drab reality. But I know I can't go back.