Tempting, but no thanks

Will the temptation ever die? Will there ever be a time when I no longer turn to my shadow self when things get rough? Will I ever not look in the mirror at the first signs of trouble? It's still a gut reaction, a reflex, to step into the shadow and let that part of me whisper just a little bit louder when this life gets too stressful, too frustrating, too full of duty and too lacking in sex, fun and creativity.

So I'm a passionate person, and I've found that the two sides of my passion are creation and destruction. If I don't get my kicks one way, I need them the other. If there's too little creativity, I become destructive. It's not the least surprising, although the realisation that this is really the case came as a bit of a surprise. But it explained everything perfectly. In my life, I have for long periods of time had very little room and/or energy for creativity, and lacking that creative outlet, I have found other outlets, mostly destructive ones. And I never understood that my penchant for self-destruction had anything to do with the passion that I sometimes misread as intensity or hypomania, but is just a very natural, fiery, earthy passion. That is, until I understood.

When life becomes too full of stressors, mainly in the form of lack of money, and there are more duties than fun, or I feel stress and pressure and don't know how to express it, how to release the energy, I turn to my shadow self. This is how I have done for many years, and even though I rarely act on it, I turn that way. It is my default reaction. That part of me seems like a twisted comforter, an escape into a reality that deals with problems on a completely different scale.

I can be so very, very tempted to let that side of me take over for a while, to let the stressful thoughts drown in the whispers of my shadow self and just obliterate everything else. Just for a while it would be wonderful to hand the wheel to my dark passenger and let her drive. Just for a while. But I know it doesn't work that way. I don't trust myself to let that other side of me out for just a bit, because I know that if I give her space and listen to her, she will always demand more space, more time, more of me. She is never satisfied with just a little. And if I'm feeling vulnerable and really, really want an escape from the pressuring, stressful reality, I might just as well be tempted to give just a bit more space to my dark, destructive side... and more... and more... Not intending to step back into the mirror fully, into the dark glass, but just as a small way out. And I know too well how hard it is to step out again, to tear myself away from that escape - I've done that too many times in the past before I stepped away from the mirror.

So I am tempted, but I don't go there. Not very far, anyway. I'd love to, just for a while, just to rest in numb oblivion, but no thanks.
Because I know I will want more and more and more. This is my drug of choice.