Homesick for a place that's not my home

Caroly Hillyer's "Ancestor Song" on the player, with Nigel Shaw's lovely flute, reminds me of a magical night in Chalice Well just over a year ago. It was the beginning of the Goddess Conference week, and Carolyn Hillyer and Nigel Shaw had a concert. The night was lovely, the warmth of summer returning after weeks and weeks of rain, and as darkness fell, the huge moon rose.

This week is the Goddess Conference, and I'm not there. And it is with a deep sense of regret, as I would have loved to. I've managed to keep the feelings of homesickness at bay for a long time, I'm not meant to go this year, but I'm feeling it. Up till now, I've felt OK about being away from Glastonbury-Avalon, away from the people who are probably closer to me than many I've known for much longer, away from the land I love, the energies that take me deeper and further than I can go elsewhere. I haven't been back since that Autumn equinox weekend last year when I dedicated as a Sister of Avalon, and only now am I beginning to feel deeply homesick. I get pangs of it every now and then, when I catch a glimpse or a scent of Avalon, see someone who looks so much like a sister from that part of my life that I almost catch my breath, or suddenly feel myself transported, for a split second, to the land I know so well.

It isn't my home, but it is somehow my land, my heartland, my hearthland, where I feel the source of my existence, the roots of my being. But what is home, anyway? Where I was born, where I grew up, where I have the place I call my own, where I live my life? Or is it any place that resides in my heart?

I had serious plans to move to Glastonbury, but am no longer as sure. I've had numerous messages that I belong there, but I belong here too. I have a task here, as well. I want to live in both places, I want it all. To be able to journey into the cauldron and the energy in Glastonbury, and to be able to leave it for this other world, where I live most days. I want both worlds, to bridge the gap between them, bring Avalon into the outside world, part the veils out here. It feels like a huge task, one that I feel too small, to much a novice, for, but I know Goddess will guide me when the time is right.

She is very close tonight, or is it me who is close to Her? It is a clear black night, a tropical night that we get very few of here. Mystress Glitonea is certainly present, with the summer heat that turns the fields golden. The scorching, merciless sun; the life-giver and life-taker.

I yearn for Avalon, to be among my sisters and brothers of Goddess. They aren't here, but Avalon is, and Goddess is. In Her presence, I am made whole.