The sun doesn't seem to have risen today. Again. This is the third completely overcast day in a row. I stupidly went back to bed after feeding the cats this morning and woke up at 8:30, but even then it was still so dark it could have been at least an hour earlier. It brightened a bit for a while, but still no trace of the sun. And now it's raining, the dense sort of drizzle that seems like a solidified mist and that absolutely seeps through any umbrella or rain clothes. Gah - this is driving me nuts!
Honestly, Forks and the Olympic peninsula can't possibly be this bad. At least there's some amazing nature there. I completely fell in love with the scenery in Twilight (of course, since I was already in love with everything else about it); the forests, the mountains, the water... It was awe-inspiring. I could live there! City girl wanting to go into the wild again :) But I really love some real nature. Perhaps it's my Lap ancestry calling me back to Nature, or a calling from the dreamlike images of a vast wilderness that I have yet to place geographically.
In my father's childhood village, up in the Arctic region of Sweden, the sun has only just begun to rise above the horizon again, after 6 weeks of not rising at all, but I doubt that it's as grey and drab as here. OK, so I did whine a bit last week when the temperature dropped to -14 centigrade and I was f*ing freezing indoors as well, and I almost started crying when I had to go outside because it was so cold no matter how many layers of clothes I had on (I don't know what's happened, I didn't use to be this soft. Perhaps it's age), but at least it was sunny. I miss the sun.
I'd rather just crawl into bed with a stack of books, my laptop with all my music, drag the TV in from the livingroom and pretty much go into hibernation until spring comes. But that might be another 3 months... So I'd better stop whining and just get back to work. I guess that's the main reason for my whining: I'm just bored. But there are things to so, so I'd better get them done. Always such a sense of duty.
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
Sunday, 11 January 2009
Friday's pleasure
Well, there's only one way to put this: I love Twilight, the book, the entire series and well, the film as well. That was Friday night's pleasure, and what a pleasure. To tell the truth, the stories have had me pretty much enthralled since I discovered them, and that's where my mind seems to have been most of this weekend, too. Almost embarrassing to admit, but I'm not even going to pretend that I'm "normal" anymore. Why would I, when that would betray who I am? So here's the trailer, and if you don't like it - well, you don't.
Saturday, 10 January 2009
17 going on 35
17 going on 35 - that's how I feel; a grown-up teenage. Older on the outside than on the inside, almost growing younger as I age. Young and old at the same time, a young adult with an ancient soul.
I know I am an old soul, that I (partly) chose to come back to this life to learn to just live. To learn to love, break down the barriers to my heart and finally be healed, thorougly and completely. I pray that I will find that love, that I will allow myself to be loved in the same way that I love - unconditionally, in deep colour.
It feels funny, this teenager thing. Like I'm finally waiting for that big first love, the all-encompassing love, passionate, consuming, the one that will change my emotional makeup forever. I feel like I'm waiting to experience love as reborn, as the person I've turned into. To turn a new leaf, break through the chrysalis and spread my wings like a butterfly.
I long to be recklessly, hopelessly infatuated, to feel my heart flutter at the thought of him, to feel my stomach full of butterflies, to feel my knees buckle when he brushes my hair aside and kisses that soft spot on my throat just below the ear.
I want him to make me go crazy with desire, waves of passion rippling through our bodies, our hearts beating in unison. Forever young at heart.
I know I am an old soul, that I (partly) chose to come back to this life to learn to just live. To learn to love, break down the barriers to my heart and finally be healed, thorougly and completely. I pray that I will find that love, that I will allow myself to be loved in the same way that I love - unconditionally, in deep colour.
It feels funny, this teenager thing. Like I'm finally waiting for that big first love, the all-encompassing love, passionate, consuming, the one that will change my emotional makeup forever. I feel like I'm waiting to experience love as reborn, as the person I've turned into. To turn a new leaf, break through the chrysalis and spread my wings like a butterfly.
I long to be recklessly, hopelessly infatuated, to feel my heart flutter at the thought of him, to feel my stomach full of butterflies, to feel my knees buckle when he brushes my hair aside and kisses that soft spot on my throat just below the ear.
I want him to make me go crazy with desire, waves of passion rippling through our bodies, our hearts beating in unison. Forever young at heart.
Thursday, 8 January 2009
Prejudice
At times I'm amazed at the prejudice that some people have. It's not just Christians that are prejudiced against Pagans, but other Pagans have a whole lot of prejudice against us "Goddessians" (a term for Goddess followers that I first read in Medusa Coils). I don't define myself as Pagan, but as a Goddess follower or "Goddessian" as that is a much more apt description of what I am, spiritually.
I recently met a young Pagan man, who is active in Ásatrú. Being Swedish, this is not uncommon for a Northern Pagan, but it's a path that has never ever called to me, mostly because of how patriarchal it is. But he's very openminded and has friends on many other Pagan paths, including some Goddess worshipping female friends. But apparently, there seems to be some very strange preconceived notions about us Goddessians even among other women on similar paths. One of his female friends who is a Goddess follower, or daughter of Gaia, as he put it, actually cautioned him when he went out with me on a sort of date. She said that "we" (meaning what?) have been known to prod little holes in condoms to secretly make ourselves pregnant with men without them ever finding out. What kind of idiotic prejudice is that?!
If I wanted to have a child, I don't think I'd have to lie or deceive any man to get what I want. Come on, it's usually only too easy to get it, if that's what you want. But I don't want "a child"; I want a family and for that I won't just do with any man. The comment still bothers me. Is that really what people think about Goddess-loving women?
I don't think any of my Avalon sisters, who follow the same spiritual path that I do, would recognise that description. For me, deception and lies go against what I believe in, what I stand for. What I feel that the Lady of Avalon stands for. To be true to myself and my path, and to stand in my power, I can't lie. That would only weaken myself, deny my power and light, compromise everything I try to live by.
Though some may call me a witch just because of my life path and beliefs, I am not a witch in the sense of being Wicca. I have absolutely nothing against Wicca or wiccans, but it's just not my path. Nor do I do magic, and I would never ever deal with black magic or use magic to force my will on someone. I don't have the bigger perspective needed to see clearly and fully what any magic would affect, and I definitely would not want to take responsibility for the problems that could be caused by using magic.
Think about the man who wished for a lot of money and who got it, but as an inheritance from his favourite aunt. Her death was not what he had wished for, or wanted, but he hadn't counted on the possible consequences of his wish. I wouldn't take that kind of risk by trying to bend the universe to my will.
What magic I work is by intention, by asking the Lady and the other Goddesses that I follow for their energy, and by putting my earnest and most sincere wishes into what I want - and ask for the highest good. Just like I do when I do healing work, or any other energy work for that matter. I can only put my intention and earnest well-wishes into what I want and hope to manifest it; I can't force it. And I do work with manifestation, with trying to create what I want by energy and intention. Goddess willing, it will be manifest. Which is a whole lot different from working with magic, whether white or black. Once again, I don't say anything against those who use magic, I'm merely stating my point and explaining why I don't. We are each responsible for our own choices and actions.
But the prejudice, I guess, is something I will always face in one way or another. This time it was unexpected and even more so coming from another Goddess follower. C'est la vie.
I recently met a young Pagan man, who is active in Ásatrú. Being Swedish, this is not uncommon for a Northern Pagan, but it's a path that has never ever called to me, mostly because of how patriarchal it is. But he's very openminded and has friends on many other Pagan paths, including some Goddess worshipping female friends. But apparently, there seems to be some very strange preconceived notions about us Goddessians even among other women on similar paths. One of his female friends who is a Goddess follower, or daughter of Gaia, as he put it, actually cautioned him when he went out with me on a sort of date. She said that "we" (meaning what?) have been known to prod little holes in condoms to secretly make ourselves pregnant with men without them ever finding out. What kind of idiotic prejudice is that?!
If I wanted to have a child, I don't think I'd have to lie or deceive any man to get what I want. Come on, it's usually only too easy to get it, if that's what you want. But I don't want "a child"; I want a family and for that I won't just do with any man. The comment still bothers me. Is that really what people think about Goddess-loving women?
I don't think any of my Avalon sisters, who follow the same spiritual path that I do, would recognise that description. For me, deception and lies go against what I believe in, what I stand for. What I feel that the Lady of Avalon stands for. To be true to myself and my path, and to stand in my power, I can't lie. That would only weaken myself, deny my power and light, compromise everything I try to live by.
Though some may call me a witch just because of my life path and beliefs, I am not a witch in the sense of being Wicca. I have absolutely nothing against Wicca or wiccans, but it's just not my path. Nor do I do magic, and I would never ever deal with black magic or use magic to force my will on someone. I don't have the bigger perspective needed to see clearly and fully what any magic would affect, and I definitely would not want to take responsibility for the problems that could be caused by using magic.
Think about the man who wished for a lot of money and who got it, but as an inheritance from his favourite aunt. Her death was not what he had wished for, or wanted, but he hadn't counted on the possible consequences of his wish. I wouldn't take that kind of risk by trying to bend the universe to my will.
What magic I work is by intention, by asking the Lady and the other Goddesses that I follow for their energy, and by putting my earnest and most sincere wishes into what I want - and ask for the highest good. Just like I do when I do healing work, or any other energy work for that matter. I can only put my intention and earnest well-wishes into what I want and hope to manifest it; I can't force it. And I do work with manifestation, with trying to create what I want by energy and intention. Goddess willing, it will be manifest. Which is a whole lot different from working with magic, whether white or black. Once again, I don't say anything against those who use magic, I'm merely stating my point and explaining why I don't. We are each responsible for our own choices and actions.
But the prejudice, I guess, is something I will always face in one way or another. This time it was unexpected and even more so coming from another Goddess follower. C'est la vie.
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
A fresh start
So I've been quiet for a long time - at least here. Since summer, I've suffered from a depression that just got deeper and that pretty much drained me of all energy. But finally, the antidepressants have kicked in and since about a week and a half I'm not depressed anymore. I'm still tired, though, but I hope that's going to get better. And it doesn't really help that I rarely get into bed before 00:30 and then lie reading for another hour or so. So I need to sort that out, now that the normal, post-holiday life is about to start.
I decided to turn my two English blogs into one, by importing the other posts here, the posts about my journey through the mirror. It's all part of the same journey anyway; my journey out of the mirror and my journey with Goddess. The two sides of my life, the darkness and the light. I can't deny either side as they are both an intrinsic part of me, of my make-up.
True, I have spent most of my life on the other side of the mirror, in the dark, and so some may think I would want to embrace the light and immerse myself fully in it. Nope. For some reason, I still feel more at home in the dark, it's safe, soft, familiar. The light is too revealing, too strong, blindingly, almost painfully beautiful. There is immense beauty in the darkness as well as in the light. So I look for a balance; light and dark, highs and lows, in equal measure.
So a new year, a new start. May it be a good and lasting one.
I decided to turn my two English blogs into one, by importing the other posts here, the posts about my journey through the mirror. It's all part of the same journey anyway; my journey out of the mirror and my journey with Goddess. The two sides of my life, the darkness and the light. I can't deny either side as they are both an intrinsic part of me, of my make-up.
True, I have spent most of my life on the other side of the mirror, in the dark, and so some may think I would want to embrace the light and immerse myself fully in it. Nope. For some reason, I still feel more at home in the dark, it's safe, soft, familiar. The light is too revealing, too strong, blindingly, almost painfully beautiful. There is immense beauty in the darkness as well as in the light. So I look for a balance; light and dark, highs and lows, in equal measure.
So a new year, a new start. May it be a good and lasting one.
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