There are times when I am struck with how "alternative" I apparently am. Not in my own eyes, nor in those of my closer friends, but in the eyes of "normal people". And I wonder why. Because in all honesty, I really don't think I'm very different at all. But it may be that I come across as a fairly normal person, which makes people assume that I am, and when they realise that I don't fit in the neat little box they made for me, they are confused. And all too often these "people" are the kind who can't accept the things they don't understand and just shut up, so they have to comment their surprise. (Which is another thing I don't get; why some people have to voice every single thought and opinion they seem to have?)
I believe in trying to accept the things I don't understand, and most life choices I don't like, and I absolutely believe in not having to comment them. There are of course exceptions to what I can accept; I will never accept that people choose to harm themselves or lead destructive and self-deprecating life styles, I will never accept intolerance, paedophilia, abuse of animals, women and children, chauvinism, bullying, and fundamentalism, and I have no problem voicing those opinions, which I don't see as a problem, either. But this thing of seemingly having to speak every single thought out loud, no matter how irrelevant and negative it may be, that is something I don't understand. Usually, I just refuse to react to it.
I like breaking people's boxes, I like messing with their preconceived notions of normality and their judgements of me. I like when they have to reconsider and - hopefully - realise that there is more to life than they may have thought. But at times, I am reminded of how different I seem to be.
I'm not normal, and shy away from normality in the sense of neat little boxes and labels, but the things that feel natural and normal to my identity, can be box-breakers for others.
But in what way?
I'm a Goddess follower, I am in Her service as Her Priestess (which is not the formal title of the Christian church, but more a term for my commitment to Her - in lack of a better word); but I don't really relate to the term Pagan.
I love body art - especially tattoos and piercings - and see them as a means of self-expression. This may not be uncommon anymore, but I apparently don't seem like "the type". Guess what? I am. There are more patterns on my body that have yet to rise to the surface and be captured in ink by great artists...
I'm into sex/playing that may seem kinky and perverted to others - BDSM, dominance/submission - have found that immensely empowering and rested gently in surrendering control while still keeping the ultimate control of the situation. (If any Dom doesn't respect a stop word, it's not BDSM any more, but abuse and rape.) It is something that resonates with me on a deep level, and that feels very true. But many normal people frown upon it and would never admit the kinky stuff that goes on in their vanilla bedrooms.
I'm not heterosexual, and haven't been since before puberty. For the longest time I defined myself as bisexual, but with the years I've come to realise that it is not an accurate label. Even though I may play with men, do sessions with them, I am not attracted to them. Sex with a man has always left me feeling unsatisfied, even though the men in question have (too) often pointed out how wonderful it is. I guess there's some spirit work involved, channeling the Divine through the mind/body connection of sex, but to me that actually feels more like work than the pleasurable rapture and passion that sex should be.
So last week I took the plunge and decided that it was time to stop denying the obvious: I'm gay, not bi. The change is purely semantic in nature, but that little change of a prefix is a huge one to many people. For me, it's just stating the obvious and I'm really quite surprised that I didn't see this more clearly sooner. Rhiannon did point me in that direction more than two years ago, and only a week and a half ago, when relating Her message to a couple of friends, did I finally hear what She had been saying. There is more to be said in that matter, but in time.
So as for boxes, I'm not a fan of them. I don't like limitations to who I am; I spent far too many years building a prison for myself to ever let that happen again. I am free now, and I will not let anyone tell me how I should be or that what I do or am is wrong.
Addendum, July 13: A friend drew my attention to how I apparently stand out a bit among normal people because of the way I dress and the music I like as well... But is that really relevant? Music and dress style seem to be areas in which it is accepted to deviate, because then people can usually see what subculture you belong to. Usually, not always.
3 comments:
I'm reminded by something I heard quite a while back (which seems to apply to at least some of what you're saying), namely that there are far too many people misunderstanding the concept of truthfulness.
Being truthful, the argument ran, is not at all about telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth all the time (as some people obviously seem to think, whilst taking some pride in their misunderstanding). Rather, what being truthful is about is to not be deceitful; i.e. not necessarily telling everyone everything (about everyone) all the time, but rather when saying something making a point of that actually being the truth to the best of one's knowledge.
Personally, I think it's sound principle.
As for the issue of boxes and labels... I think they're ultimately hard to escape. At least in anything near an absolute sense. It seems to me that we – as human beings – have a knack for categorising the world around us in precisely such a manner, and furthermore that language in and of itself has that type of categorisation (and by default generalisation) built in from the get go. After all, if language didn't generalise, we'd have a word for every single thing separate from every other single thing, even those things more or less the same. And it'd hardly be practical to label every table in the world with a different word. Even if we could, we'd hardly be able to communicate with each other in any meaningful way.
Still, the fact that we cannot escape the boxes and labels in absolute fashion does by no means mean that we need to accept all such categories or the definitions they hold. Language and systematic categorisations generally are not dead things, but living things in constant motion... that sometimes need a nudge in the right direction.
Anyway, you managed to get me rambling, ranting and raving, so I'll be quiet now.
Ever so glad to hear that you continue finding your way in the maze of life.
Longevity & Bloom!
The misconception of truthfulness is yes, something that I've experienced. And the surprise - even from people who claim to be openminded - when people realise that there are more sides to myself than I may initially speak of (because they are irrelevant, not because I try to hide or deny them), is very interesting. As if it were my fault that they make rash judgements of truth...
I kind of like the boxes and the pigeonholing people engage in - breaking their boxes is fun!
~L
This speaks to me on many levels. Growing up I was always cast as "different", "strange", "odd", "weird". In looking back I think there were a lot of reasons for that; reasons that related more to just my intelligence and personality than anything on the surface. I suppose, therefore, it's not so surprising that eventually I not only embraced it but threw myself feet first into the seas of alternative lifestyles.
I find that no matter how "normal" I try to present myself to be on the surface, people still treat me like the odd one out. I'm too challenging to their ways of thinking, their ideas, to their own intelligence and normalities and it makes them uncomfortable. So I stopped. Probably the best thing I ever heard about this type of thing was from a girl I knew on LJ. She had gone out with her mother who made comments about her gothy style of dress. This girl said, "I've spent too long dressing the way everyone thought I should dress only to be rejected by those in "normal" circles for being different. So now I dress how I want and if people can get over that and treat me like a human being then just maybe they might be someone I'd want to know." That really spoke to me because I really identified with the sentiment.
I also really like what you say about BDSM. Very well put.
I hope you eventually find someone you can have a long term relationship with. xoxoxo
Post a Comment