This X was someone I liked being with - or rather liked having fun with - but never the big love. Actually, not love at all. So from that perspective it was no surprise that it didn't last, and it served the important purpose of opening my eyes for the fact that I don't really fancy men at all; ie that I can stop kidding myself that I'm bisexual.
I'm not saying "good riddance", like some friends did, because he's a good guy and a really good Dom, but just nothing more than that for me. And still... being dumped hurt like hell, and I'd rather be the one to move on first, after any relationship. Which I never am.
I'm trying to figure out why I'm feeling this conflicted - I don't want him but I don't want him to want anyone else, sort of thing - and so far, I've come up with this:
Being dumped hurts because it immediately takes me back into once again being rejected, found not good enough, not lovable. (I know that's probably not how it is in reality, but that's how it feels, and feelings are never true or untrue, good or bad, they just are.) Will I never fall in love? Will I never be loved? Am I unlovable? So far, all evidence unfortunately seems to point in that direction, so there's really no surprise the thought springs to mind.
I think I am lovable; I know I am. Or should be, for the right person(s). So maybe I just haven't met that Big Love, who will love me and whom I'll love back. But inside of me, there is still that little vulnerable girl who's never been loved, who still doubts that she is good enough since no-one seems to really want her or love her. And she hurts like hell every time she's rejected.
I also suppose I have this desire that any man who's been in a relationship with me, and who dumps me, shall never be able to appreciate another woman in the same way. I know, it is childish and foolish and perhaps a bit possessive, but I think that it's also quite a common reaction. If they've liked me, and been allowed to enjoy me, of course I don't take too kindly to being discarded like an old pair of boots. May their testicles shrivel up and rot, may their physical fun give them no more pleasure sort of thing. No, there's no curse involved, just a bit of a woman scorned. And it usually passes after a while. But I really do think that he should never desire another woman like he desired me, and never be able to enjoy physical pleasures in the same way. Which is of course exactly the truth, because it is never the same with anyone else.
I wish my Xes the best of luck and I want them to be happy - but I want to be happy too! And to know that they move on and are (hopefully) happy only highlights the fact that I'm single, rejected, scorned and not happy about it.
3 comments:
It strikes me as if, at least, part of the problem is rooted in that ever present lie we tend to foster in our society: i.e. the One True Love a.k.a. the Big Love a.k.a. Mr/Ms Right, etc, etc.
That lie, or more kindly put myth, screws us all up to various degrees, because, obviously, like all myths, it is not true.
You question in your text (and more importantly in the back of your brain) whether or not you can be loved. It strikes me that you have been, ergo you can be. The myth of the one big love feeds upon itself, because it easily more or less eradicates past love. Simply because we've been taught, by society, by literature, by television and film, music, you name it(!), that "real" love, THE love, is eternal, endless, etc.
But that's not entirely true, is it? What was, was! It doesn't necessarily lessen what is or what will be, but I'll be damned if it WAS NOT at one point.
Whether we'll ever get the same or the similar again... is of course never a given. We may well get it, in a manner of speaking, but we might find that what we're offered is not what we want. Or precisely what we want. We may find that it is lasting. Or that it isn't. But that something endures is not in and of itself the ultimate qualification of its quality.
There are after all more ways to encounter, imbibe and partake in the emotional waves of love between heaven and earth, than the myth of the One allows for. Life, quite simply put, isn't a game of Highlander.
Just my penny!
I don't believe that love is a lie, nor a myth, nor that there is just one True Love. Some people fall in love all the time, others less frequently, so for me, the term "big love" and similar roughly means someone I fall in love with and would consider spending a substantial part of my life with.
The question of having been loved or not, or should I put Loved, is a tricky one; if it ends, how valid was is? Can you love one day and then discard that same person - and that same love - the next? Is that really Love?
Some people grow up with a feeling of being loved, and then have that experience reiterated and strengthened in relationships; others grow up with the experience that love is conditional and can be withdrawn at any moment? That you can be cast out in the cold again, discarded, rejected? Those experiences are hard to heal and overcome, and those wounds open easily again. The scars may fade, but the skin is brittle and the soul fragile.
And yes, I do want to believe in that unconditional Love that will endure; I know the depth of my own emotions, and my immense capacity to love, and I hope that I will find that same capacity mirrored in someone else who stretched it out to me. There is love - between friends, lovers, siblings, parents and children, pets and their owners - and there is a Love that runs deeper and doesn't end. Like a red thread in our lives and histories. It's not the romantic fluffy love that cheap novels are made of, but deeper, transformative and more challenging. I feel it, surely others do to?
*hugs* honey. *hugs*
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