Frustration

There are times when I get so frustrated over myself that I could burst. My present work situation is far from perfect, and I honestly don't know how much longer I can support myself as a translator, unless more work starts dropping in. That makes me so stressed out that I'm almost paralysed and can't do something about it. Of course, I think about doing something, but nothing happens.

And here's the deal: I have the resources to do something about it. I could broaden the scope of my business, change the work description, add more of the things I (can) do. I could do it - but I don't. Instead I get hung up on things like domain names, business names, web page layouts.

I could go to business network meetings; I already know about several, when and where they meet, it wouldn't have to cost me more than a breakfast or lunch, I could easily find other business networks with a simple web search. It's as simple as just signing up and go there - but I don't. And I'm good at networking, I'm more intelligent than most, I'm skilled at meeting people, making an impression and dealing with people...

I could market myself. There are lots of social networks where all I need to do is add my info - but I don't.

I have a choice here, I can make a change, and only I can do what needs to be done. It is my business, my life, my responsibility. So what am I waiting for? What stops me?

I feel absolutely torn in two. One part of me is this incredibly driven person, intelligent, can speak my mind and inspire, who has tons of ideas and possibilities, and is great at helping others sort out their messy thoughts and go from problem to solution, or at least an opening towards a solution, but who fails to do the same for herself; she likes being successful, to be seen and heard, listened to, noticed, who thrives in the limelight and with challenges. Not that I'm overly career-minded, at least not in the sense of being ready to sacrifice everything for a career; I'm not any more. But I could do so much more, reach higher, achieve more; I am so much more driven than I show now. Because the other part of me is just tired and has no energy. I don't want to be tired any more! I don't want the fatigue to control me, I don't want to let the symptoms that together point to ME determine what I can do with my life. And still it is so hard to fight the tiredness.

This is not who I am. I'm not this lazy bitch who knows so much but does so little with her knowledge, who can sort out other people's mess but not her own, who has such a messy home that she is ashamed of it but still can't bring herself to once and for all just deal with it, who wants so much but does so little to get there. That doesn't mean that I am, or want to be, the anorexic and hyperactive perfectionist that I once was, not the Super Lisa I once wanted to be. But I am so much more than I give myself the chance to be now. I get so frustrated that the tears sting behind the lids. I don't want to be like this any longer, because it is not who I am! So what do I do? Where do I start?

Does it even matter where I start as long as I start? To think about where I want to go, make goals and subgoals, start taking steps along the way. One step at a time. I want something more than this, but what do I want? Perhaps it is time to start dreaming about my career, as well.

I get really sad and frustrated when I know that I have the toolbox right in front of me, and a brain that is waking up from a long stupor and is just dying for some challenges, and yet I don't use the tools. I can say what I ought to do, what I am going to do, but unless I turn the words into actions they're not worth a thing. I have to make the change I want; I have to live it. Nothing happens out of nothing.

And in the tears of frustration I am reminded of the people who have told me to not be so hard on myself. Do you know what? I am beginning to think that they are wrong. OK, so I may not be saying the most positive and motivational things to myself when I'm frustrated, and I really know far too well that the words I use affect how I feel about things, that the words can instil inspiration or resistance. At the same time, I know that my potential is far bigger than what I have realised today. Is it really hard on myself to demand more of me? To not accept any excuses when I know that the responsibility to change is mine?