Another year at an end. 2009. It's been an overwhelming and challenging year, financially extremely stressful, but all in all a fantastic year. Somehow a lot of pieces have fallen into place, I've found the way home in oh so many ways, sides of me that lay dormant have reawakened. I'm more whole than ever without really being whole, have gained important insights that have led to big decisions, and I have a confidence and faith in the future that I think I've never had before.
Winter
The depressive fog lifts somewhat, but the anxiousness stays on. I'm semi-seriously considering whether to enter the dark mirror and become anorexic again, but I choose health. There really is no option and thoughts are only ever thoughts. I still wonder whether I will always live with this darkness, this dark passenger of mine.
When you've lived in the dark for so long, is it ever really possible to live in the light? To shake off the darkness and go on as if you'd never seen it, tasted it, felt it, lived it? Can it be that there are some wounds that are too deep to heal? Will there always be a shadow? Will there always be scars of darkness that might open again? When you've lived in the dark for so long, can you ever be free?
The Twilight Saga offers me some much needed escapism and makes me feel alive in a way I haven't done for long. My emotions are reawakening, stronger than ever, as is the longing for love. A longing for loving in the way I know I am capable of; deeply and in a way that changes me into my soul. I realise that I've never been really in love, never quite ready for a unconditionally open my heart and let love transform me for ever. I decide to dare to dream without trying to control the outcome. Turn 35. Write more. Decide to go back to dancing. Get another cat, my little Bonnie.
Workstress over the next book. The spring term of Tribal Fusion classes begins, and for the first time in 15 years I am back in a dance class. Since it's a completely new style I have no demands on myself to excel and can enjoy just learning something new, as a hobby. That's a good thought, but it doesn't last for long. I am soon hooked but feel useless, as it's a new way of moving and I'm not mastering it as soon as I want to. Struggle with my demands on myself and really try to keep them at bay and just enjoy myself and the magical union of music, dance, and body - it's just so much fun! End therapy.
Feel more and more at home in the BDSM/fetish world, meet M and experience definite physical attraction. I'm still glad to have met him, because there are a lot of less reliable people in this world. Then again, I'm 35 and know myself a lot better than most other people around.
Spring
Dance, sex, fun. A simple relationship, but I'm not in love. Tired and stressed to my breaking point. I'm growing in acceptance of who I am and what I like. Grieve over friends who can't accept that friendship has to be on equal terms; I can't dance to someone else's tune, I can't hang out if and only when it suits them, and I won't be controlled. By anyone. Betrayal by someone I trusted. I'm learning to let go of other people's demands and expectations of me, prioritise what I need and try hard to not be affected by the reactions of other people when I place myself first. Which is of course easier said than done. Realise that I can let my guard down and be weak and vulnerable if I feel safe.
Make up jobs, easter ball, dance. Dance workshops during the Tribal Powertrip Weekend - I feel nervous and a complete newbie, but am proud to say that I pull through. The dark/Gothic fusion workshop is heaven and I am absolutely reminded of why I chose to dance fusion. Invaluable girlfriends. Am tired and restless, absolutely understimulated. Insomnia, lack of sleep and lots of doubt in myself and everything else. M acts distant and dissociative.
Dumped again, once again get a strong feeling that there's something wrong with me and I'm incapable of loving. (Even though I didn't love.) Some girlfriends are angels that rescue me. Want to go comfort shopping but have a couple of new piercings done - just as well to do them when there's no-one to disturb the healing process. Realise that my reaction to being dumped concerns my fear of being forever alone because I am not good enough and thus unlovable; not that I've lost the love of my life. I haven't. Massive anxiety, lots of weight thoughts, but I keep myself busy in order to escape some of the feelings when there's too much going on in my head. Do make up for a commercial film. My darling girlfriend S has her wedding party. Eva Brunne is elected bishop in the diocese of Stockholm and Sweden has our first lesbian bishop. Bonnie is in heat and sterilised. I miss the first classes of the summer dance courses because of work; it's an uphill struggle with myself and a body that seems to refuse to obey. Anxiety and depression are constant companions, but I can almost ignore them at times. May ends with summer warmth and a more positive feeling.
Summer
Tattoo #7, which I'm madly pleased about. Am elected into the SHEDO board and am back in eating disorder and self-harm support. Discuss spirituality with lovely dance friends and realise that my spiritual side is stronger and most definitely active again, and once again a natural part of my life. It has been very lonely to be the only one around with pagan(ish) beliefs. My Priestess self is part of me and no longer to be denied. Awakening in the importance of living in my truth and being completely true to myself. Open myself to the power of transformation and sense that there is a huge change under way. Feel a bit like a butterfly waiting to break through the chrysalis; waiting to find the space to spread my wings.
I take the last step in coming out as a lesbian. It's been a long process, and I have no idea what took me so long. It's really not a big or overwhelming step at all, nothing traumatic. Simple, natural. I really can't deny myself into thinking that I'm bisexual or want a man any longer, because emotionally, a man hasn't done anything for me in ages. And whatever they can do, a woman can do better. As soon as the final piece falls into place and I 100% confirm my orientation to myself, I hear Rhiannon saying "Finally. What took you so long", and I realise that She showed me this a few years ago, and quite clearly so. I guess I was just too stuck in the normative bog to fully understand. But now I am wholer in who I am, my preferences, my identity. I'm not saying that I'll never have sex with a man again, because sometimes things just happen, but I make a distinction between sexual acts and sexual identity.
Dance moves higher and higher on my list of Important Things - did I ever really think that I could keep it a pastime, a simple hobby? No - I dance for life and live to dance, but I struggle hard with my enormous demands and expectations of myself, and the feeling of being too bad, never good enough. Put on too much weight during the summer break; and I had been so happy with and proud of my body during spring! Huge battles with myself during the last summer classes; when I look at myself in the mirror I only see this fat, tattooed chick who just can't get anything right. Cry on the bus home and seriously consider burning my dance gear and burying this whole thing, because I am just one big failure. But I calm down, suck it up and decide to give it another term before I give up. Because I can't quit and I have a feeling that things will get better, I know I have more potential than this, and also - I'm hooked. Addicted to dance. The mental training for dancers workshop makes me realise that I've made the right choice and helps me to focus and set goals for the term.
Autumn
Dance, dance, dance. SHEDO, support work. Financially everything is getting so much harder, not least when my publisher tells me that they're dropping most of their fantasy authors, among them "my" author. In one go I lose 50% of my yearly earning. Youngest sister turns 30, I dye my hair black. Brother D and his wife E have a daughter - my 4th niece.
Dark & Tribalicious weekend. Amazing workshops for some of the best dancers and teachers; am in awe over the fact that I'm not a complete failure. I practise for almost an hour a day, have goals and am determined to fulfill them. Dancing is fun again, joyous. Yes, I have expectations of myself, but also more patience. And no matter how bad my day has been, when I start dancing it all goes away and I go into my dance place. Feel like I'm making progress and try to keep my expectations realistic, which is always easier said than done. Suddenly it's like all light falls on my flaws, the things I need to improve, rather than the things I do right; and I feel like I'm stuck and not moving forward, which I at the same time know I'm doing. I explore my own expression, my energy in dance. Love it.
My spirituality grows stronger. I feel Rhiannon's presence clearly, am open to loving and being loved, feel the kundalini energy stirring and rising; I know something is coming. I still struggle with the idea that someone could be interested in me - which I realise when a friend asks me if I think another person is interested in me. What, me? Nah... I wish but why would anyone be interested in me? Try to let go of the thought of how, who, and when love will come and to just be. While I long to fall in love and meet someone, I am happy to be single, to not have to explain to anyone why the dance is SO important to me. No-one objects to anything I do or asks me to explain my priorities; I call the shots in my life. I realise that I really can't have a serious relationship with anyone lesser than an equal, and equals are hard to come by and far between. Am asked whether I arrange ceremonies or workshops and start thinking about that more seriously. It feels like a natural step to take, the main questions is How.
New friends, re-emerging depression, fatigue, anxiety, positive thoughts as an antidote, New Moon. On October 22 the Council of the Swedish Church vote to keep the right of marriage and thus say yes to same gender marriages. VICTORY!
Winter again
Dance, dance, dance. SHEDO. Frustration that gives birth to new thoughts. I realise that I have a happy basic attitude to life, that I am intrinsically happy. Happiness is a state of mind, not dependent on material wealth or things we have. Which explains how I can be happy even during moments of unhappiness. I keep growing, becoming clearer in what I want. One by one, pieces fall into place, in the midst of intense financial stress, I find thoughts of wanting to do something else, something more. Something new. A big change is coming, the costume of my life is growing to small, I need to break free to spread my wings, blossom, shine, reach my potential.
The desire for exercise reawakens, I get kicks from positive energy and possibilities, begin to recognise myself. Find a soul sister, a sister of fate and experience the weirdest mirroring ever. Confront my memories from being a gifted child in a school system that failed to see or meet my potential, reaffirm and recognise my intelligence. Feel better when I have more intellectual/mental stimuli. The anxiety is always just around the corner and I can't always distract it completely, but am doing OK. Calm Christmas, am growing aware of how much I've changed this year and how I'm feeling more and more like Me.
In short, this was the year when I returned to dance with the same love and passion as when I left it, 15 years ago, but with an infinitely deeper self-knowledge and a creative and artistic need for expression. And I found the perfect combination of dance and my dark side. I've accepted and recognised more and more of me as I find things to recognise, and have let go of more denial.
I'm so grateful for what this year has given me, and what I have accomplished, and have a deep understanding for that the growth of this past autumn is just the beginning. I look forward to 2010 and to wherever this path will lead me. Life is good, and can only get better.
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