I've got ideas for things I want to do, and things feel generally positive. Until, that is, I start thinking about the How of it: how to get from where I am now to where I want to be? I have no specific training in the field I want to work, only experience and undocumented knowledge. I am not outstanding or exceptional in any way, other people can (probably) do the things I want to do much better than me, so who am I to do it?
Yes. I have a day with a lot of doubts and second-guessing myself. What if I can't do what I want to do? What if it takes trainings and money that I don't have? I absolutely don't mind more trainings - in fact, that's what I want - but seeing how I've had barely any income in the past month and things are looking decidedly (stressingly) bleak ahead, any costs is an issue. And yet I am realist enough to know that I won't be able to go from here to there in one simple and short step. It'll be a journey of several steps. I only wish I could see outside of my own hazy doubts... Today, that's proving harder than usual. I still struggle with the fact that I'm not exceptional, and I want to be. I'm good at lots of things, but amazing in none. I feel like I can keep my nose above water but rarely be among the best. I can help others reach their potential, but more than anything I want to reach MY potential. I want to shine brighter than anyone else, I want to excel, I want to be the best, or among the best. I want to be amazing.
Once again I have this feeling that other people my age and younger have by far surpassed me in work training and experience, while I was idling the years away with unfocussed studies that only barely masked the fact that I was hellbent on self-destruction. I don't normally think like this, as I know that my studies have all been useful, and my experiences have made me who I am today, as well as wiser and humbler than many older than me. But when I start thinking that maybe 35-going-on-36 is quite late to figure out what I want, with no savings and no student grants left to fall back on, I feel that my age may be an obstacle.
About this time in my thoughts, the positivist in me intervenes: I am good at what I do and even better at what I want to do; I hold wisdom way beyond my years, am a fast learner and great teacher and lecturer. If I can't see how good I am, maybe others can. I remind myself of the aura reading from a few years back when I was told that even though I don't think I'm very good at anything, others find me annoyingly good at everything and I tend to outshine others without even realising it. Maybe that's so. Maybe my doubt stems from the fact that deep down, I am aware of the enormous power and potential I hold and am unsatisfied because I haven't even begun to fulfil it. Maybe it's resistance that expresses itself through doubt and fear of not being good enough, and even fear of being good - of succeeding, of excelling, of being exceptional. Of shining. Because what if I do?
It doesn't help me figure out what's the next step, or really stop the thoughts of everyone else already being better than me, but if I can challenge those thoughts and make them more nuanced, I've already taken steps in the right direction.
And a question lingers: How far can I really reach?
1 comment:
I understand your feelings of being behind others who are of same age. I sometimes feel that way too. It wasn't until I was about 35-36 myself that I actually started my legal career. Prior to that it was always "just a job" that I had. But I realise that I am in the position I am today because I choose to walk a different path, a path of spirituality and service. When I began to really accept this, I stopped comparing myself to others. How could I? It's like comparing apples and oranges. It's fruitless! (punny!)
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