Blind loyalty

I’ve been thinking about this with blind faith, blind loyalty, love is blind. I don’t believe in doing things blindly; I think there’s a danger to that. Of course, sometimes we have to trust faith, and step into the unknown just hoping that it will work. But honestly, I never do so lightly, never without hesitation, never trusting fortune completely. I doubt, I resist, but I surrender. I do it without knowing what will come – blindly, in that sense – but hoping that I can deal with what comes. Because I’ve  prepare as best I can, before; I’ve considered scenarios and done what I can to give fortune a chance. Sometimes I even enjoy not knowing, and having to surrender control, but I’ve always given it some consideration and decided that it’s worth it. Blindly? Not really. Trusting, more like it. Trusting in spite of not knowing, trusting something higher to help, and trusting myself to handle what may come.

My faith in Goddess is deep, but is it blind? No. And it’s not unwavering. I doubt, I question, I rebel, but I surrender, and I trust Her to be there, as I know She is. And as I know, I don’t have to believe it. I know. 

And my faith is not in some perfect deity, not in trusting that all will always be well. I walk Her path knowing that it’s not perfect, as I’m not perfect, as nothing in Nature is perfect. We don’t know what may come. But it is what it is. Maybe that’s perfection. And it’s how my faith is; I may resist, question, and go into things kicking and screaming, but  I surrender. I do it. I take Her hand.  

Blind loyalty, now there’s something I don’t trust at all. I think it’s dangerous when people obey and are loyal without questioning, without thinking and reflecting upon who they are loyal to. People who are blindly loyal are easily manipulated, and we see it all the time. It’s fundamental to any sect culture, whether it is religious, political, success/self-development… It’s how atrocities are commited in the name of a God or a leader or an ideology. It’s not sane.

In faith and religious contexts, as well as in politics and activism, I have witnessed blind loyalty, and how it can destroy something that was once good. We all know how power can corrupt, and that people who follow without questioning build leaderships who will not be questioned. That climate will cause fraction and discord, and will break apart communities. The blindly loyal won’t accept voices of dissent. They will regard that as disloyalty, when in fact it may be the deepest loyalty to the cause and the people behind it. And leaders raised by blindly loyal may even become blinded by them. A good leader doesn’t need blindly loyal followers, they need clear-sighted equals who dare speak up and question. 

I’m deeply loyal to people I trust and love, but never blindly so. I’m clear-sightedly loyal. I see their flaws, I don’t stand behind things that I don’t agree with, I question when they do harm or demand the unreasonable; I never buy into the whole package. My loyalty is to a person, not all of their actions and opinions. I think for myself. I agree to the reasonable, but I will never give up my free will and free path. I won’t trust you just because you are who you are, I don’t take orders, I have a free mind and free spirit that won’t be controlled. This makes me a poor follower, but a good friend. A good and loyal equal. I may stand behind you, but I will not walk behind you. I will walk next to you, or my own path. And I won’t compromise my own truth.

Love. Love is blind. But is it, really? Does it have to be? Blind love is a lot like blind loyalty; it’s blind, unthinking, unreflecting. It doesn’t see the flaws. I do, even in deepest love. If I love you, I love you in spite of your flaws. And there are things that even love cannot bridge, that even love cannot approve of. Even then, I may love you even though I cannot accept what you do. Acceptance is the key to whether love is enough. “Accept the things I cannot change…”

For me, love isn’t blind, but accepting. 

Time flown

Yes, still alive. How did five years whizz by so fast? Journeying deeper into the Underworld than I thought I would ever go seems to have taken me out of time, or into another kind of time; the timeless present. When I initiated and made vows to Goddess, and just a few months later accepted the beginning of what I now can see for an initiation, I had no idea of how She would take me up on "Bring it on", or what travelling between the worlds would mean (for me).

Was it blind faith or ignorant madness to accept Her challenge so willingly? To make such big vows, bigger than I was aware of? Well, seeing how my faith has been tested, and how I seem to be in a state of "now I remember, now I forget" who I am and my faith, it seems to have been pretty blind. On the one hand I feel deeply unworthy for forgetting and straying from my path, on the other hand I know, deep down, that She is deeming me worthy for meeting and surrendering to Her challenges, and walking through them. After all the only path that matters is life, and living. What use is a perfect spiritual practice, all the right rituals and all sorts of paraphernalia if you don't survive? That's not my path, anyway. Living Goddess is my calling, and in order to be able to walk with people through their shadow worlds, and hold them through their darkness, I must have walked through mine. Or, as the case turns out to be, walk through mine. Present tense. In darkness and in light…

I feel guilty for cutting myself off from the community I love and loved belonging to, but I think it's what I've had to do. (Spoken as if I ever made a choice.) Some journeys we seem to have to make alone to find the treasures and learn to befriend – rather than defeat – the monsters we meet in the shadow realms. But the guilt, and loss, is real. And the fear of not having anything to return to, of not being welcome, as I did step away. Or strayed. Or was pulled away. I wonder if Innana feared that she would have nothing to return to, or Odysseus, or Persephone. What is left of the world we knew when we've gone beyond the edge and returned? We return changed, so how could the world we knew still be the same?

Ah well, I'll see if the road takes me back to the places and people I love. The intention was never to disappear, but I've had to focus on what's here and now, in the analog world, and still do. The constant equation between energy and everything I want to do.

But I am alive. That matters.

September Circle of Light

Can you believe it, a new month so soon? September starts out beautifully here in west Sweden, with a full greeting of sun, wind and the promise of showers later on in the day. Autumn is on its way, but still not quite here, in spite of a gentle bite of frost in the breeze.

I was watching last night's full moon, the last blue moon in a few years, and felt an immense gratitude, which inspired me for this month's Circle of Light.

The September Circle of Light will be held from 6 pm Wednesday the 5th until 6 am on Thursday the 6th of September. Light a candle and tap into the web we weave whenever suits you, for as long as you can and want to.

For the September Circle of Light, sit a while and remember the blessings in your life. Take a moment to find, and immerse yourself in the light, joy, and comfort that gratitude brings. It is not the thankfulness imposed by someone else, but gratitude. A reminder of what you have, rather than what you lack; a reminder of the love, beauty, wisdom, friends, family… all that is in your life. Of magic. Of Goddess's presence and workings. Of you, the shining beautiful being that is you. Born into this world to shine.

Remember your strength and the battles you have fought and won; remember the love given and received; remember your dreams. Hold them gently in your thoughts, like a fragile egg, feel their – your – power, and let the power of gratitude and love fill and flow through you. Feel Goddess at work, as Her power is part of you. Shine, ever brighter.

Blessed be
♥

Read more about the Circle of Light here.

Homesick

It is Lammas, the festival of the Great Mother, the life-bringer who holds us in Her wisdom and unconditional – but my no means always soft and gentle – love, and who showers us with Her horn of cornucopia, the horn of plenty.

It is also the time of the Goddess Conference in Glastonbury. My first conference was in 2006, the last Mother conference, and what a life-changing experience! I wish with all my heart that I could be there now, sharing, dancing, listening, talking, and loving. Meeting friends, sisters and brothers, speaking of the things I sorely miss: Avalon, the Mother, Goddess, spirit.

This September, it will be five years since my dedication as a Sister of Avalon. I haven't been back in Glastonbury since. Not in body, at least. And it seems I won't have the chance to go back for yet more time.

I'm homesick. I long to walk the land again, to lie under the apple tree at Chalice Hill and feel the earth breathing underneath, to wander the labyrinthine windings up the Tor and feel the wind whipping my hair and clothes, to taste the waters of the red and white springs…

I long to let my heartroot connect to the earthroot, in that special connection that exists nowhere else. Avalon is a place of the heart, a place co-existing in parallel to this dimension, but there are places where the veil is thinner, and Glastonbury is one of them. The connection to something greater, to something beyond me, and the wholeness that I feel in nature is so much stronger there.

It is the place my soul calls home, insofar as I have a home.

It is, as Sally Pullinger so beautifully put it, "the source and the return". (Words I heard in my heart while travelling across Britain that August six years ago, only to later hear and sing during that year's Lammas ceremony and read in Kathy Jones' book, Priestess of Avalon, Priestess of the Goddess. The kind of synchronicities that abound in my experiences of Goddess and Avalon, and which thus ring deeply true to me.)

And I miss my Avalon family. How I miss them! I miss talking to my soul sisters, I miss the deep, instinctive understanding and the unintrusive listening, I miss being held in the presence of my sister and brother priestesses.

I feel quite a bit like Bilbo Baggins in J.R.R. Tolkien's The Fellowship of the Ring:

I’m old, Gandalf. I know I don’t look it, but I’m beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel…thin. Sort of stretched, like…butter scraped over too much bread.

I've been away for too long. I feel like I'm losing touch with my Self, like my life force is running low. Lower than ever before, and yet at times stronger than ever. I don't know where and how to recharge my life's battery. Loving is no longer enough to replenish it.

I miss Avalon, even though it is right here in my heart. But I miss it so much that it makes my heart ache.

August Circle of Light

The August Circle of Light will be held today, starting at 6 pm and continuing until 6am (local times) tomorrow morning.
However, seeing that it is Lammas/Imbolc, I will keep my candle running all through the day and night – join if you can (safety first) and want to.

For this month's circle, I would ask you to create a circle of healing love. There has been much pain and upset around, and if we can centre in the arms of the Great Mother's love that we all have inside, whether mothers or not, and let love flow through our bodies, our souls, our astral bodies, and across the web we weave, our energy can do great work. Starting from our selves, as always.

Let the light of the Maiden fill your heart with healing, and allow that healing into your wounded places, into your words and actions, let it mingle with your love and shine through you.

Let this be a time of life bringing love and healing. To you, through you.
Centre, love, healing.

Blessed be
♥

Read more about the Circle of Light here.

May Circle of Light

The May Circle of Light will be held on May 2.

At the time of the great mirroring of Beltane and Samhain, the celebration of love and death, the dark and light faces of love and passion, let us honour Love, no matter on which side of the mirror you find yourself.

However light and bubbly your life may be, filled with light and love, there is often a darker side to it. And however dark and sorrowful it may seem, lost in the darkness with no love in light, you are still loved. So very much. You are a child of Goddess, a child of Life, a child of Love. It sings in your entire being with every beating of your heart; it whispers in your every breath.

We all carry wounds of love. We have all been hurt, or hurt someone we love. We all carry the potential to burn ourselves on the fires of passion. Let us all honour those wounds, so that we may take another step towards healing.

At times, the light can feel as painful as the darkness, the smiling face of the Lover may bring us as much sorrow as the Crone's wizened face in Her deepest mourning.
Love and sorrow seem to be close companions. But remember this: travelling with Goddess, travelling with Rhiannon, means to travel across the veils; across the mirror. How else can we guide others through their wounding, if we haven't lived through ours?

Reach out your hand, and the great Mother is there.
Reach out your heart, and Love is there. The great Lover, the Beloved. 

Be true to yourself, where you are now. Allow the hurt, the pain, the joy, the passion. Laugh. Cry. Love. Be love.

♥

October Circle of Light

The Circle of Light is held on the first Wednesday of every month. The October Circle of Light will be held on the 5th of October.

The connection to the Circle of Light starts at 6pm local time and goes until the following morning. Please light a candle and tap into the web of energy that we create with our participation. No matter when you connect, the presence of our collective spirits and Goddess will be there.

For the October Circle of Light, ask yourself: Am I ready? As the wheel turns toward winter in the northern hemispehere, summer in the southern, we are moving into a time of change, transformation.

Ask yourself: What do I want to change? What am I ready to leave behind? This may not be the time to actually make your move, but to prepare for what is to come. Change comes to all, and whether we allow transformation to happen, or fight it, has a lot to do with preparation.

Let yourself be ready, prepare yourself - and in doing so, allow the emotions to start flooding. Every change brings with it an emotional release. Let it flow through you; let yourself be held safely in the arms of the Mother. Gather strength, resolution, and support from the web we weave together.

Blessed be

Lisa

August Circle of Light 2011

The Circle of Light is held on the first Wednesday of every month. The August Circle of Light will be held on the 3rd of August.

The connection to the Circle of Light starts at 6pm local time and goes until the following morning. Please light a candle and tap into the web of energy that we create with our participation. No matter when you connect, the presence of our collective spirits and Goddess will be there.

For the August Circle of Light, let us ask for the courage to live our lives the way we were born to live, to become who we were born to be. Let us join and together step towards the Light that is our true Selves.

To live a life of Truth, Love, and Beauty, to truly Live Goddess and our faith, may not be as easy as you would like it to be. It may require you to not only let go of the ties that bind you to "truths" about who you are, or should be; but to challenge the roles and limitations placed on you by society. To shed layer upon layer of fear, protocol, convention, habit. To challenge not only how others look at you, but how you look at yourself. We may be free spirits, but Life has a tendency to limit us.

Let us honour our fears and limitations, and start by taking one small step in your Truth, in the Power and Beauty that is yours, and yours alone. Let us weave a web of safety and empowerment, so that we may all challenge one fear at a time. One by one, we peel of the layers to reveal our shining Selves!

Blessed be

Lisa

July Circle of Light

The July Circle of Light will be held on the 6th of July.

For the July Circle of Light, let us prepare for and celebrate rebirth. We are in the midst of a huge shift of consciousness, and so many of us – if not all – are going through a massive transformation. Let us send courage to one another, and stand stronger together, so that we may take the next step.

However painful this transformation may be, however dark your way may seem, and however scared you may be to look into the mirror and face your Self, you are not alone. Find strength in numbers, let the Circle of Light light the darkness, let the Flame of Avalon guide you. The most important steps on our journeys are leaps of faith, requiring us to break free and leave the past behind. It is a journey of death and regeneration, of rebirth, transformation.

Join the Circle and tap into the loving web of energy that we weave together. You are not alone, and death is not a surrender to the dark, but another step ahead. Go deep, and you will find your Self.

To find out more about the Circle of Light, look here.

Blessed be
Lisa

June Circle of Light

The Circle of Light is usually held on the first Wednesday of every month. As June began on a Wednesday, the Circle of Light will instead be today, the 8th of June.

Let the June Circle of Light be a light in the dark; a guiding light for those who travel in the dark at this time, a gentle supporting flame that those who are willing to take the plunge into the deepest depths of our Selves, of the oceans of emotion - to shed a light on what has been hidden in the shadows, to heal on a deeper level.

Let the flame remind us that no matter how dark the night, we never travel alone, and the night will end. Darkness and light, night and day, death and life - one cannot exist without the other. May the Circle of Light bring each of us support, courage, and strength to shine a light in the darknesses of our lives. Even if you fear that a plunge into the dark may drown you, it will not. Through the darkness, there is light.

If you want to know more about the Circle of Light, look here.

Blessed be
Lisa

Playing with fire

The dark passenger is back. The persistent backseat driver has moved to the front seat, tired of whispering in my ear, of looking over my shoulder while I ignore her. She is right here with me now, taunting me, tempting me.

I am playing with fire, flirting with darkness. I know that. But so far, I am in control. Or am I? How do ever truly I know whether I do something because I want to, or want to do it because it lessens that constant, nagging anxiety? And I am aware of my addiction to this, to these things. I know I will want more, I know how quickly it can reach a level of almost obsessive-compulsiveness, I know all of this.

And yet, I'm playing with fire. Telling myself that this time is different. This time I will remain in control. Maybe I'll prove myself right, maybe I won't. At this point, I don't know. Will it escalate or stop? Will I escalate or stop? But I will not cut my arms open, no matter how much I may want to, in the spur of the moment. That would just be too hard to hide. So I remain in control.

How did it start, again? Gradually sinking lower into depression, and then, mounting anxiety, even panic attacks. As I realised that I am not entirely depressed, that I could see much clearer what was me and what was, is, the illness, the depression, it was as if it changed. Granted, I am still depressed, suffering from painfully low self esteem, lack of initiative, lack of energy; I have lost my appetite, I cry easily, and I want to harm myself – but at the same time, I am happy and positive. Being able to see (feel) this means that I am not the depression, I am not the anxiety. I suffer from depression and anxiety, but it is not who I am.

Unfortunately, the panic attacks, being all tensed up and struggling to catch my breath, is pretty draining. And it affects my dance. I hate it, but am realising that I don't let it control my life; I try to lead a normalish life. I go out, I meet people, I work. When I take on my professional role, no one will ever notice what's going on. My friends, my Sisters, they see more. They feel me vibrating, physically, emotionally, mentally. But this is my transformation to go through, the fragile shell I feel around me is what remains of my walls, and because it is so thin, I have to protect myself. I don't let many people in. I can't. I won't. But every breath I take is a victory, every morning I wake up stronger, closer to breaking through the shell and spreading my wings in freedom, beauty and power.

I just pray that things don't go too far before then, and that the breakthrough isn't a breakdown. I am worried, and a bit afraid. Because I do want to harm myself – not seriously, just a little. And I have lost a bit of weight because of having no appetite and sometimes being too tired to force myself to eat, and even though I doubt I've lost that much, I am afraid that I might cross a line when I step through the mirror. I already have more thoughts of consciously making myself lose more weight, dieting, using these diet supplements. I register those thoughts, but I don't act on them. I just find myself reading the labels, comparing the nutritional contents, checking prices. It's a good thing they are expensive and I am way too smart to fool myself. I don't need to lose weight and I have no intention of doing so. Part of me wants to, but I won't.

Even so, I know that if I keep losing weight, it will be harder to resist as the dark passenger grows louder and stronger. So I pray that I will get an psych appointment soon and that I will keep making myself eat. More. I am not going back into the mirror! I am not making that particular journey again.

I know it's stupid of me to play with fire, but really, I don't know how not to. Even with the panic attacks that make me in a way worse off than I've ever been, and the incredible fatigue, depression etc, things are a million, billion, zillion times better that they used to be. I will get through this.

Darling Sister

Darling Sister,
How did you become so wise?

With you, it's so easy to be myself
You expect nothing else
Not more
Not less
You don't judge, you don't scowl
You accept
You empower me
You support me
At times at a distance, other times here and now

Our paths have met and parted and met again
Together since before the dawn of time
Then separated, each on her path
Alone we have learned about Life
Alone we have grown in strength
So, too, this time
But we met again

You understand more than I can explain
You hear the things I don't say
See the things I don't reveal
You do what I do: You feel it
And day by day you teach me
To trust my emotions and my intuition
Like you can trust yours

You make it easy to speak the hardest things
I always feel that I say too much
That I am being too open
But you can take it and stand still
You listen
You reply
You say the things I need to hear but would rather not listen to
You hold me without carrying me

With you, I am stronger because I can be weak
With you, I can be vulnerable
With you, I dare to love and show my love, as you love the way I do
Love that is unconditional, pure, free, and crystal clear
With you I more and more grow into Me
Because you are always You

And I love you for it
♥

Circle of Light Facebook page

There is now a Circle of Light page on Facebook, for anyone who wants to get the latest updates and monthly info, and who may even want to share your experiences from the CoL.I've also added a script for it to the left here, so you can Like it or keep tabs on what 's happening.

May Circle of Light

The Circle of Light is usually held on the first Wednesday of every month. This month, my mind was elsewhere and I missed notifying you last week. I am so sorry for that. The next circle is thus this week, on the 11th of May.

For the May Circle of Light, let us love our Selves. Let the self-love that has the power to transform and heal us all, and in doing so transform and heal the Earth as well, rise through us, in us, from us, and spread across the Circle and outside of it. Let us bathe in the love of Goddess, the Great Mother, whose presence is always within us; let the loving flame of Avalon rise in our bodies, healing wounds of self-image and burning away any filters that prevent us from seeing clearly the beauty and radiance we all have.

Be filled with love for your Self, for the Divine being that you are. Remember that you are already perfect, created in image of the Divine - perfection is to be truly yourself, to be who you were born to be. It is an inner quality, within reach and always already there, in spite of the insecurities you may feel when comparing yourself to the fake "perfection" created to lower your self-esteem.

Look at your Self with love and let the healing begin. This is your time to rise in beauty and show the world the wonderful You.

If you want to know more about the Circle of Light, look here.

Blessed be
Lisa

March Circle of Light

The Circle of Light is held the first Wednesday of every month.

The next circle is on the 2nd of March

The purpose of this circle is to connect us as a community and to connect to the Healing and Lifegiving flame of Goddess. To send a circle of healing light into the world. This is done in whatever way feels right for you.

The connection to the Circle of Light starts at 6pm local time and goes until 6am the following morning. Please light a candle and tap into the web of energy that we create with our participation. No matter when you connect, the presence of our collective spirits and Goddess will be there.

For the March Circle of Light, let us celebrate our Inner Child. Take a moment in stillness to connect to her/him, feeling her/him awaken in your mind, allowing her/him to enter your thoughts and emotions. Heal your Inner Childs wounds, comfort her/him, hold her/him and shower your Inner Child – and thus your Self – with love and light. See the two of you, two in one, playing and growing together, and allow yourself the joy of playing and laughing playfully.

Look at the world with a child's curious eyes, not yet dimmed by convention, open to the magic that is all around. Open your mind as the child's inventive and imaginative mind, eager to learn, to explore, to grow. Be as sure as a child of your worth and step into the child's exuberant joy.

Join in this Circle of Light and let your soul be filled with joy and light as you connect deeper with your Inner Child, every day becoming wholer and more radiant. Let us bask in the glory of Avalon!

For more information on the Circle of Light, go here.

Blessed be!

Your word of the day/week from Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Ever since first coming into contact with Oriah Mountain Dreamer's poem "The Invitation", and being touched by it, I have liked her work. And since some time back, I follow her "Page" on Facebook. Today she posted a beautiful and simple exercise to find a word for the day/week that I want to spread:

On ceremonial circles people often introduce themselves with whatever word arises with the breath from within the body, allowing the heart to offer a deep intent that unfolds & reveals its meaning over our time together. Take 3 deep breaths, allow the belly to soften, the shoulders to drop, the body-self to be held by the earth. My word to begin this day/week comes: "Trust." What is yours?

I took some deep breaths, grounded myself in my body and listened. The word I got was "believe". Such a beautiful, hopeful word! After sitting with it for a while, I realised that it was also telling me to "be" and "live", and to "be (a)live". It was exactly the guidance I needed for this week, not least after getting "Death" as my card of the week.

At the moment, I don't have the peace of mind to meditate, but this is a quick exercise I will remember and do again. A lovely way to ask for guidance and to connect with what my soul is saying.

Believe.

Prayer in the Darkness

At times I have shone so brightly,
But now I often feel like a mere shadow of my Self,
Wandering alone in a world of Night,
Watching life as through a dark veil.

Too long have I wandered here,
And yet, my journey is still not over.
There are still answers to find,
Dawn is not yet here.
But approaching.

I pray, Goddess, that You will lead me safely and swiftly out of the darkness.
I pray that You will shine a light on my path,
Let the warm breeze caress my face, in memory of the Beloved's touch.
I pray for guidance and strength, for courage to look into the dark mirror and face my Self, my shadow.
I pray for endurance during the longest night and for safe passage back into the light.
I pray for the knowledge that You are always by my side.

From darkness to light,
From night to day,
From death to life.
So mote it be.



~ Lisa on the move, posting from BlogPress from my iPhone

Imbolc Lights

The Circle of Light is open here in Sweden. On a Dark Moon night, at Imbolc. I welcome this night, the transformative fire festival of Imbolc, celebrating the return of light. And we do see it, even here up north: the days are slowly getting longer, the sun actually brings a bit of warmth when she comes out, the rain is gradually melting the snow.

I welcome Bridget/Bridie in all Her aspects: sweet maiden, sword maiden, blacksmith in the forge of our souls, wolf maiden, warrior queen, prophetess, poetess, healer. 
May the Maiden Goddess touch my inner child, healing her wounds and giving her the courage to come out and play.
May Bridie's fires be kindled, and may She guide me gently as I walk through them to have the dross burned away, pounded away in the smithy, so that my golden core may shine through. 
May the kundalini energy begin to rise in my body, energy of awakening, white energy that brings healing. 
May Bridie bring Her healing power and clear my mind to free the creative flow and let me see more than meets the eye. 
Sweet Poetess, let my words flow as freely as my tears, and may they touch the hearts and minds of the people whose paths they cross with Your prophesises.
May the spirit of the Wolf run with me, fuelling my courage and strengthening the wildness of my being, and may the Swan carry me on swift wings to Avalon, touched by the Swan Mark.
Hail and welcome, Bridie!

February Circle of Light

The Circle of Light is held the first Wednesday of every month.
The next circle is on the 2nd of February.

The purpose of this circle is to connect us as a community and to connect to the Healing and Lifegiving flame of Goddess. To send a circle of healing light into the world. This is done in whatever way feels right for you.

The connection to the Circle of Light starts at 6pm local time and goes until 6am the following morning. Please light a candle and tap into the web of energy that we create with our participation. No matter when you connect, the presence of our collective spirits and Goddess will be there.

For the February Circle of Light, let us kindle the fire using the flame of Healing, the flame of Creativity, the flame of New Life, the flame of Love, and the flame of Avalon. Let us bring our pains and sorrows to the fire and there let them be transformed to Gold. Let our souls be healed and shine brighter, and stronger, with the light of the Great Mother, Creatrix of the Universe.

See in this Circle of Light an opportunity of Relase, and of Healing. It is time to leave the past behind, to learn and let go. This is your time, this is your new beginning. Walk through the fire and emerge stronger, and whole.

Join in this Circle of Light and le the golden light of your soul mingle with the energies of Avalon in the web we weave together. Shine the light of Avalon and let your light shine just as clearly!

For more information on the Circle of Light, go here.

Blessed be
Lisa

That which cannot be seen – the hidden illness

Yesterday, Oriah Mountain Dreamer posted this video on her Facebook page. It is a video with information about ME/CFS (myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome), an illness most often wrongly rejected as laziness, lack of willpower, hypochondria or a psychiatric or psychosomatic condition. But it is a very real multisystemic illness, classified as neurological disease by the WHO.

ME is not easily diagnosed, and there are not two completely identical cases. As many as 25% of those affected are fully disabled, some housebound or even bedridden for years on end, while others may suffer in varying degree. There is no entirely known reason, although various viruses are believed to cause the initial infection. Most recently, there have been discoveries indication a link between ME and MLV retroviruses. There is no decisive test that confirms ME, even though some claim that MRI scans can show changes in ME patients that aren't there in normal, healthy brains, and there is, today, no cure.

So why am I writing this? In mid-December, my GP diagnosed me with ME, after various appointments and blood tests during 2010, as well as ways of trying to exclude other reasons, such as seeing if I'm on a too high dosis of thyroid hormones (which I've been on since 2000 due to hypothyroidism) or whether the fatigue can be due to gluten intolerance. None of which I am. During my first appointment with my GP, who turned out to be unusually knowledgeable about tiredness, sleep, and similar problems, when he heard my medical history, me mentioned ME/CFS after about five minutes, and now it seems he feels that it has been confirmed.

Here's my background. In september 2004 I realised that I was recovered from anorexia. *fireworks, champagne corks popping* In early March 2005 I did my Reiki 1 and 2 course and initiation, followed by step 1 of tactile massage training, and during the second day of massage training fell ill. I took that as a sign of my immune system being finally functioning and somehow rebooted from a weekend of healing, and as a sign of recovery. However, the cold/flu I got was nasty and lasted for weeks. Since then, I have never fully recovered my strength; I have never felt fully rested or energised, fatigue has been a constant companion. I can have a couple of good days, followed by days when I'm so tired I feel feverish, nauseous and can't think straight. And it's not the sort of tiredness I can rest away. For years, I dealt with the tiredness in three ways: Ignoring it, thinking I was being lazy or lacking in willpower, or that I was pushing myself too hard and thus over and over again depleting my energy. I thought it was burnout syndrome, or residual stress after too many years on the dark side of the mirror (ie eating disorder), and tried to rest more, focus my energy better etc.

I've tried to cope, I really have. And I have been active: managing my company, never able to work full time during an entire year, but at times more than full time, doing my first spiral in Glastonbury, spiritual work, immense growth, writing, selfhelp work, dance, exercise etc. As the economic times have changed, less work has come in, and the stress gotten worse. That's when me being so tired has become a problem, although one that no one else has ever noticed. Because I do my work, as long as there's work. But the rest: marketing, finding new clients, writing letters and getting myself "out there" to various companies/potential clients – has been left behind. I've scolded myself over and over again for not doing it, and hate to say that I just haven't had the energy, because to most people, I am full of energy. And because I am afraid to hear what I have also been told: that I have to do what it takes and that I can't keep procrastinating. Well, that's what I've been saying to myself, too. But lack of work means constant financial stress, anxiety, and a tiredness beyond belief. I should be on partial sick leave, and I so deserve a chance to once and for all be allowed to rest, heal all the old stress, and be given an opportunity to get back, but I can't. I have bills to pay, loans to mortgage and a tax debt that might ruin me. The sick benefit I could get is calculated from my income, meaning it's low. And it's getting worse. Every cold takes longer to recover from, my mood swings from good to really, deeply low and anxious with the alternating energy levels – to a point where a friend almost suspected that I was bipolar – and I don't know what to do. Because I need more work coming in, or another form of income.

Then last winter someone, I think it may have been my brother, mentioned ME and shortly after that, I realised that I actually know exactly when I got this tired. It can be pinpointed to a virus infection. From then, I saw my GP, waited for months and months to see him again, and now, this. I still don't know whether the diagnosis is there in my medical chart or not, or if I could actually get some form of help or benefit for it. So far, I've gotten medication against the fatigue, but while that works pretty well, it means I overstretch my physical boundaries and overexert myself. And I don't know where to go from here. Would having a diagnosis help me get some sort of disability benefit, or other form of support? From what little I have read, I can see that several of my other so far strange problems can actually be common parts of ME, which gives me some understanding, but I am still not sure. I hope to see a specialist in 3-4 months' time, and take it from there.

My GP said that I must have a lot of willpower. I guess I do. Giving up is not something I know how to do, and I am terrified of becoming a victim, someone who hides behind a diagnosis instead of trying and doing the best and most I can. And yes, I have problems accepting this. That it could be close to chronic. That it could be without a cure. That the most I can hope for is learning to live with it, hoping that it will in time get better instead of worse. I can't accept that I wouldn't be able to control it, or make it go away. That no amount of positive thinking will make it good. Just better. I know that I am high-functioning, but compared to who I used to be, I am beginning to feel so tired that it scares me. And this isn't something people can see. It's hidden, and I hide it well (caffeine, makeup – being a makeup artist sure helps, tons of guts and "never give up, never surrender", and if needs be with medication), and I do my very best to deny it for as long as I can. When I am so tired that I literally shiver, feel feverish, nauseous, can hardly eat or barely stand up long enough – I stay at home, hidden behind the computer. That is how I cope.

But this is one step in my acceptance process: writing about it. Getting it out there.