Is it my time soon?

I have a strangely good feeling that's been growing for some time. An excitement about I don't know what. The not knowing bit means I feel good/excited/slightly nervous/a bit anxious; all in one. Like something's finally going to give, I will finally break out of this … shell, for lack of a better word. Move on to the next level. It's like something in me is vibrating faster, at a higher frequency. A most strange and wonderful sensation.

Something happened at the Litha full moon just after summer solstice, up at Lake Delsjön with a friend (Sister!) and bats in the air. I don't know what. Maybe I reclaimed my Priestess self, maybe Goddess reclaimed me, pulled me back into Her service (much like when She initiated me), reminded me of my calling and true nature. The part of me I cannot live without, cannot be whole without. I'm not sure. All I know is that it was the first time in a long time that I was a Priestess.

Since then, it's felt like my path has taken me to some pretty dark places; away from people, in a sense away from life. I was blessed with the chance to guide a soul to the other side, when a friend's cat had to be put to sleep, and was surprised at how naturally it came to me. But it was emotionally hard, and draining, and even thinking about it still makes me cry. I think the hardest part was that I can only go so far as to the "gate" to the Summerland, and then have to go back, leaving that other soul behind. Even though I knew she was fine, and would be fine, in that place where there is no longing or sorrow, but only love and happiness. Having been allowed to truly see another soul like that, I know how she feels and can in a sense touch base with her, but I cannot be there. Leaving was hard, and it took me quite some time to fully be back here (I guess next time I should bring chocolate). And I know it wasn't the last time I made that journey.

I've walked through a lot of old pain, old wounds, and fears and feelings that have come from my past: the fear of not being worthy, of not being lovable, of not belonging; the fear that if I don't give enough or if I demand too much, my friends won't think I'm worth being friends with (and I know how stupid that sounds); the pain of past rejections, of feeling that I'm out in the cold, alone; and the pain of wanting to be open and receiving, but not knowing how to do it. I've learned that I may have to give it time, because this is an old habit that dies very, very, very hard. But I am opening to it, and I will get there. Whenever there is a will to change, the change will come.

And so … in the midst of this, there has been this good feeling that everything will be fine, that something is coming, that this is in fact the darkest part of the night, right before the sunrise; the last struggle before the breakthrough, the shedding of the old. I'm not sure if it's over, but something is shifting and this good feeling is growing stronger. You know the feeling of butterflies in your stomach? Something like that.

My friend said the other day that it feels like it is my time now. Soon. And I agree. I feel the same. The door is open, more so than ever before, and I pray that I will never let fear shut it again…

A Thing of Beauty: An Ode to Hummingbirds

I found this blog post on Nikki Reed's blog, which I occasionally read. I've seen a couple of interviews with her since the Twilight craze started, and been … intrigued. She's not like your average Hollywood actress; like with Kristen Stewart, you don't know what she will say, how she will reply to the questions. And I'm getting that she' pretty smart. Quirky, undoubtedly very very creative, and smart. Reading her blog also reveals that she has an interesting way with words, that absolutely appeals to me, and a fascinating way to look at the world.

This piece, An Ode to Hummingbirds, was written by her grandfather, and was just so beautiful and captivating, and sad, that I want to share it. (Go here for a slightly larger version if you have trouble reading it.)

I have never seen a hummingbird; we don't get them this far north. But they have always fascinated me; so tiny, so beautiful, so full of energy, appearing to defy the laws of gravity. My heart weeps for those two souls, although I know that they are endlessly, forever flying in the Summerlands, and for the fact that once again, we humans are responsible for a creature so beautiful becoming scarce.

Ray of Hope

This message appeared in my Facebook flow this morning, from Prav's World, one of those wonderful sources of inspiration.

Original here

Blessed be!

Giving and receiving, and the challenge of asking

Giving and receiving… And in between, asking; giving – asking – receiving. A trinity where I guess we need some sort of balance. I know I would probably feel a lot better if I had more balance, and that is somewhat of a struggle for me.

I've always been the one to give of my time, my energy, my love/support/advice/help, and it is always a gift given freely. Time and time again, I find myself volunteering to help or give: "do you need…?", "do you want me to…?" That is second nature for me. And of course, if someone asks, my answer is usually Yes. Of course. Anything you need. I'm always seeking to meet other people's needs, whether explicitly expressed or perceived. Quite often, I'm right in what I perceive; even though it may not be what the person in question wants. Ah, the power of the Crone.
And I like to give, to guide, to see someone find her/his answers or gain foothold. It makes me happy, it energises me. But… I feel like I rarely get the same in return. Only rarely have I experienced that people volunteer or offer to help or give me something out of the blue. Because they want to. And when they do, I tend to feel almost guilty and that I have to or should "make it worth it". Like I still can't understand why anyone would want to be there for me. (Which is quite true, come to think about it.)
I've been wondering about this lately, as I've realised that the things I need are pretty much the ones I give so freely. Who can I turn to? How do I even ask?

More than once I've been told that I'm a difficult person to help and that I shut people out. Perhaps they try to give, but in a way that I don't notice or understand, and then give up when I fail to notice or receive "in the right way", whatever that is. I'm not used to people giving generously of themselves, not to me anyway; and it's apparently not something that changes just like that, and being accused of shutting people out when I really am learning and changing certainly doesn't help. It just makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong and I hesitate even more to open myself to receiving.

Asking for something, anything, is almost ridiculously hard. It's like I only dare to ask for something if I know the person I'm asking is happy and satisfied, which just rarely happens. People have their own needs and problems and life issues; it's so much easier to listen to them than to ask for something when I know that they have needs. And yes, I do give others' needs a higher priority than mine. So there is an imbalance; I happily give and get frustrated when I don't know where to turn for my needs, and even more frustrated (and sad) whenever I am told that I shut people out. What if I'm not shutting you out, but just don't know how to invite you in? Or think that you don't want to come in?

And I know that this is a problem that I'm entirely responsible for. It's up to me to ask, because most people won't just understand what I need and volunteer to give it, or knock on my door and ask to be let in.
How do you go from being a giver, to being a giver-and-receiver?

August Circle of Light

The August Circle of Light will be held on the 4th of August.

The purpose of this circle is to connect us as a community and to connect to the Healing and Lifegiving flame of Goddess. To send a circle of healing light into the world. This is done in whatever way feels right for you.

The connection to the Circle of Light starts at 6pm local time and goes until the following morning. Please light a candle and tap into the web of energy that we create with our participation. No matter when you connect, the presence of our collective spirits and Goddess will be there.

For the August Circle of Light, let us honour the gifts in life and open ourselves to asking and receiving. Let us rejoice over the blessings Goddess bestows on us; the Earth we walk on, the air we breathe; our creativity, our imagination, our feelings; our Divine bodies and souls; our relations, families, and friends. And Life itself. Let Goddess pour Her cornucopia of abundance and honour Her gifts – while manifesting and asking for what you need right now.

Fill your mind with light, positivity, gratitude, and focus on receiving. For many of us, asking and receiving are two of the hardest lessons learned, and now may be the time to challenge that. The Great Mother asks of nothing in return for the Life and Love She gives us; we only have to receive. Her gifts are given freely, for the greater good, and often we just need to ask and receive.


Lean back into the Great Mother's warm embrace and rest assured that She hears you, She knows you, and everything will be as it should be. Everything already is. Open your heart, mind, and life to Her gifts, let Her break down any barriers of control or fear of wanting, fear of receiving – you have been worthy of the greatest good since the beginning of time. Now, let yourself receive…


Join in this Circle of Light and weave a web of love that will transform us and the world we live in. Shine the light of Avalon, and let it reflect in your light!


For more information on the Circle of Light, go here.

Blessed be

Lisa

Picture used without permission; no copyright infringement intended.

Depression awareness

Depression is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign you have been trying to be strong for too long. Put this as your status if you know someone who has/had depression. Will you do it, and leave it on your status for at least an hour? Show your support.

This status update appears every now and then on Facebook, but only today did I use it myself. I don't fully agree with it, as depression is not merely a sign of having "tried too hard"; it is a physiological reaction, a matter of an imbalance in the neurotransmitters. Whether the reasons are endogenous or exogenous, a clinical depression is not merely about "being blue" or sad. And it's not something you just snap out of with positive thinking; not when you've goon deep down.

I spent years and years in deep depression, trying endless medications while trying to be strong and hopeful and not too depressing. I learned that people generally have no clue about what depression really is like; what it's like to pretty much have an inner Dementor who sucks all positivity and happiness from you, drains you of energy, makes you slow, dull, lethargic and infinitely sad – but not sad as in crying or sorrowful, but sad as in devoid of feelings. I felt that it made life grey, dull, muted, and that trying to get myself out of the bog every day was like swimming against an incredibly strong current – I could do it, to a degree, but it was draining. Eventually, after a dozen drugs that never really worked, and ECT that also didn't work, I found medication that finally did the trick. The change was... undescribable. One day I realised that I hadn't been depressed for days. That was 10 years ago.

I went off medication after 4 years, which was hard and took a long time, and in those 6 years, I've only been back on it once, two winters ago. It didn't work as well this time, and I realised that I wasn't up for the side effects, or for becoming a human guinea pig again, trying my way through the various drugs. And the truth is, I haven't gone as deep as I did then. Something changed. Maybe it was that my neurotransmitters work better when I'm not anorexic, maybe the chemical imbalance cleared, maybe I've learned to read the signs and do what I can to beat depression early on. Because while I have no clue how to create a lasting effect on the neurotransmitters, I believe that it should be possible to combat depression with my mind. If I do it early on.

However, I suspect that I am susceptible to depression, and have my annual bouts of it, although like I said, never as deep. They range from a couple of days in the bog, really low and not really able to think too clearly (often induced by a period of stress and fatigue), to months of being low, dysthymic. Because I'm really not good at following schedules and lists and stuff (meaning I forget them), the checklists and things to do when I notice the signs aren't as helpful as they could be. I just try to get on with life like I normally do and accept that things are the way they are right now, but that it will pass. Trying not to be too hard on myself. I am seriously trying to figure out how to create a system that will remind me of being aware of the signals and of what I can do, and hopefully I'll figure something out. After all, I did learn to notice the ED alarms before things start to go wrong... What else can I do?

July Circle of Light

The July Circle of Light will be held on the 7th of July.

The purpose of this circle is to connect us as a community and to connect to the Healing and Lifegiving flame of Goddess. To send a circle of healing light into the world. This is done in whatever way feels right for you.

The connection to the Circle of Light starts at 6pm local time and goes until the following morning. Please light a candle and tap into the web of energy that we create with our participation. No matter when you connect, the presence of our collective spirits and Goddess will be there.

For the July Circle of Light, let us consider the highs and lows of life, love, our emotions. Let us live the expression ”as above, so below”, and see the correspondences, the mirroring – whether dark or light – between the high and low, the light and darkness. 

Let us skim the surface of our emotions, dive deep into the waters of our inner minds, exploring the depths as we go deeper and deeper into the feelings, towards our source. Into the darkness that isn't dark as devoid of light, but full of deep colour. Even in the dark, there is light. Let us then rise and soar with the wind, high up towards the skies, flying free.

Let us be filled with emotions, let us celebrate the spectrum of our feelings and find within them healing, closure and new beginnings. Let this be a time of going deep and high in order to move forward; a time of growth and healing.

Join in this Circle of Light and weave a web of love that will transform and heal us and the world we live in. Shine the light of Avalon, and let it reflect in your light!


For more information on the Circle of Light, go here.

Blessed be
Lisa

Because I give a damn

I stumbled on the videos for the We Give A Damn campaign. The videos feature wellknown singers, actors, actresses... well, see for yourselves:





Having been more or less openly bisexual since my mid-teens, and openly lesbian since almost a year back – although I might for some reasons more aptly call myself queer, but that's for another post – LGBT rights and true equality lie very close to my heart, privately as well as politically.

I'm sad that at this day and age, in the 21st century, people are still being persecuted, fired, discriminated against, abused, condemned, beaten, and murdered for their sexual orientation. Hate crimes are still a fact. A group of people, our sisters and brothers, are denied the rights many people take for granted – the rights to marry, have children, live with their partner in peace and acceptance – just for who we love. If we are ever to achieve equality, this must change.

Equality matters. Who I love shouldn't matter. I give a damn. Do you?

June Circle of Light

I've just added a Circle of Light page to the blog for the monthly Circle of Light ceremonies that I post on the e-mail list Avalon Yearning and the Facebook group Tuatha de Avalon, hosted by my Circle Sister Elle.


On that page you can find more information about the Circle of Light, and I will then post information about each month's circle here as they come.

The Circle of Light is held the first Wednesday of every month.

The next circle is on the 2nd of June.

The purpose of this circle is to connect us all and to connect to the Healing and Lifegiving flame of Goddess. To send a circle of healing light into the world. This is done in whatever way feels right for you.

The connection to the Circle of Light starts at 6 pm local time and goes until 6 am the following morning. Please light a candle and tap into the web of energy that we create with our participation. No matter when you connect, or for how long, the presence of our collective spirits and Goddess will be there.

For the June Circle of Light, let us embrace change and transformation. It is time to break down the barriers of past wounds, fears, and outdated views of "who you are". It is time to shed the old skin and let the new one be seen in the light of our inner fire. 

Let our hearts and minds be transformed by the flames of love, let the purple flame of Avalon guide us through the wounded places, so that we may step into our truth and beauty. Let us reclaim our Truth, our Beauty, our Power; let us gather our strength and break the chrysalis so that we may spread our wings, fly free and reveal our true beauty.

Join in this Circle of Light and weave a web of love that will transform us and the world we live in. Shine the light of Avalon, and let it reflect in your light!

Blessed be
Lisa

Card of the Week, May 31, 2010

The card of the week is Butterfly Maiden – Transformation:

"You are experiencing enormous change right now, which brings sweet blessings."

The Message is:

As you go through this period of change, it's natural for you to wonder if your future us safe. I'm here to assure you that you're part of nature's cycles of birth, death, and rebirth. To bring in you desired newness, you must first allow old parts of your life to fall away. These changes are to be celebrated, not feared. Give thanks for this shedding of the old! Embrace all of the lessons it brought, and then let it go! Be giddy with excitement at the newness of the gifts that are now being bestowed upon you, and let their magic surprise and delight you."

(from Doreen Virtue's Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards)

I think it was only yesterday that I drew this card as my Card of the Day (which I put in my Twitter feed), so I guess there is some definite transformation under hand. Which I am, of course, aware of. However, I am not quite aware of what changes are under way, only that the cauldron is being stirred, life is tilting and shifting, and I have a feeling that "all" is about to change. Or a lot, at least. And although I welcome the change, and am quite excited to see what it will bring, part of me resists it. Resisting pain, of course, as we humans tend to do.

I also know that several close Sisters and Brothers are going through major life changes, and this card is of course for all who feel that it speaks to them.

It is time that we break free from the shackles of the past, break out of the chrysalis of old life, old pain, and step into the light.

It is time that we step into our power, our own shining light, and spread our wings.

It is time that we spread our light and beauty, our Divinity.

The Butterfly Maiden picture above belongs to Sharon George. I love her work, so why not stop by her website and have a look for yourself?