Senseless attraction

So I saw this person today, who I used to be really attracted to. As in pure, unadulterated desire. At the time, I thought he might become a challenge, and even possible fall, of any other relationships, as I would never be able to say no to him. That changed. He, umm... turned out to be a lot more talk than action, and not living the talk. Failing to live up to his words, I realised that I wouldn't play his game. If he wants me, he'd better let me know and come clean about things. I need to protect myself.

And seeing that he's a man, and I prefer women, I thought I was well and truly over him. Until now, when I realise that the same desire is there, even though I'm still as annoyed with his manboyish lack of responsibility and still don't want him in my life. Emotionally, I don't want him. But my body betrays me. So the risk of him jeopardising relationships is apparently still there. But I dare say that it's a challenge I would win.

Do you have people who attract you in the same senseless way?

Strangely holey

Can you deny a hole so hard that it goes away? Or will it always be there, underneath the denial, until you find a way to fill it?

However hard I try to escape the black holes in my mind, the darkness, the emptiness, I only manage so far. It's not an escape in the sense of thinking I can get away from it; more a temporary escape from the feelings while waiting for the light to return. But there is more to it than the darkness of depression. That doesn't account for the emptiness and the hole inside. Only partially.

I keep thinking that if I fake being whole, act as if I were, fill my life with things that make me feel alive, I will be whole. "Fake it 'til you make it," right?
I keep thinking that if I can deny the hole, I won't fall into it, and perhaps not even notice it. But can I make it go away by ignoring it? By trying to fill it with other things - things that are meaningful and fill my life with light and joy - but that still aren't what is missing? The hole is after something that's gone missing, and it doesn't seem like I can fill it with just anything. Or anyone.

I have something in my life that is so important that no matter how bad I feel, I know it makes me feel alive, well, happy. For a time, at least. It's dance. As essential as breathing, but the effect doesn't stay for too long. Is it a life-force or a drug; is it part of my being, the very essence of my Self, something that I do because I am alive, or is it something that makes me feel alive by replacing or numbing something else? It can be like a drug in the sense of the dance high, the endorphin rush, the adrenaline rush, but in the best sense possible. Not to mention harmless. It is fire, it is passion, it is creativity - the complete opposites of darkness and depression.
But it's not enough to heal me, or my life.

When I immerse myself in dance, work, social life, TV, movies, and more than anything else the Twilight Saga, I almost forget about the emptiness, the loneliness, the hole in my heart. I can laugh, I can interact, I can be happy, I can seem normal, insofar as I ever am. I am good great at keeping up pretences, and even better because the happy face is true. Even when it's not the happy face, I have a polite mask that is almost free from cracks apart from for those who know what to look for, or those who get to catch a glimpse of what's behind the mask. The polite mask is the one I don't really know how to put aside, as it's grown to me. And people believe it. People in general like to believe the lie, the camouflage, the pretences; it is easier that way.

But when I'm alone again, when the movie's over, the final page of the book turned, when I get weary of endlessly flicking through the channels, when the dance is over and there is nothing and no-one to occupy my mind with, I am still holey. Sometimes, the pain is so strong that I have to remind myself to breathe and all I can do is hold myself together. I know it will pass. Outside of the clutter and distractions of life, I feel lost, invisible, empty and very lonely. And I fear that I have forgotten how to open my heart and life and let someone else in.

Because, of course that's what it's all about: Love. I hold so much love inside that I sometimes feel like I could burst into flames or explode in a myriad of tiny hearts. But there is nowhere to channel it; no-one to share it with. The give-and-take of shared love, of giving and receiving love, of being loved... that's missing in my life. And has been for a long, long time.

And it is a missing piece, a hole in my heart that is waiting to be filled, and that can't be filled with anything else. It will not make me whole, people and life are far more complicated than that, but it is a missing piece that doesn't go away just because I ignore it. At times I am more successful at denial, but not at the moment. For some reason, I keep coming back to it, which probably means that there is something to learn, to prepare, to change - to open myself for. Could this be what I've felt/seen - is it finally time soon?

At the moment, I feel probably as far from relationships and dating as I ever have, and romantically it is dark. The darkest night, the new moon. But it is in the darkest night that light is reborn. Or in the darkness of the eclipse, the split second before light returns. So maybe it's time to bring out the shades and open my heart again. In spite of my fears, I pray that I will keep the doors of my heart open.

Stuck in a rut

Just a few days ago I felt so positive about planning for a change in my work, about taking the challenge of losing "my" author and turning it into an opportunity for Goddess work, for doing things that fuel my passion and creativity. And now... I feel stuck in a rut. Like I mentally can't get over this huge wall. Resistance has kicked in BIG time, and is accompanied by two companions: procrastination and doubt. I doubt myself a lot. I doubt that whatever changes I make, whatever dreams I have, can come true enough to support me. And guess what - I get in my own way, I stand in the way of my dreams. By getting stuck with the "how" of things, with how to make my dreams happen, I forget to dream the dream, and I most certainly don't do the work. And it frustrates me. Because while I do doubt myself, I know the power of intention.

I'm so understimulated right now that it's driving me nuts. I see people moving on with their lives; new opportunities, new trainings and courses, new jobs; I see them going from strength to strength, from challenge to opportunity, from dream to reality. I am happy and absolutely thrilled with them and for them - and for a while it fuels me, too. And then, I slump back into the improductive haze of self-doubt. Into stasis. And when I start to look into why I do that, I find a lot of things - and not just the initial thought that I'm being lazy: I'm so tired that I can't really express it in words; my self-doubt is not just about doubt, but about worthiness, fear, and other underlying issues. It's not that I'm lazy and don't want to do the work, it's more that I can't figure out what to do and how to start. If someone was to ask me the right questions, of course I might be able to find the answers, but I don't seem to be that someone. I can't seem to find the questions. But part of me mentally whacks me over the head and says that I'm making pitiful excuses and am in fact just being lazy.

I guess it's safe to say I could really do with a mental/work/life coach. Someone who can help me move forward, not delve deeper into the issues at hand and what they are about, like I would in therapy. (I sososo miss my therapist, though! And I probably could do with some digging.) But where do you find someone who might be willing to do the work for (almost) free? I pretty much can't do anything that involves a cost, which leaves very few options.

There is so much I want to do, and I can't even sit myself down and start jotting down exactly what it is that I really want to do with my life. I don't even give myself a chance to start dreaming the dream, and how am I supposed to live it if I can't even think of it?

Yes, Samhain is approaching. I think part of my resistance can have something to do with the feeling of a BIG transformation waiting just around the corner. And yet I am so ready for change. I am. I welcome Keridwen, I want to dive into Her Cauldron of Transformation, I want to be swept away in a vortex of change. I'm resisting, but that doesn't mean I don't want the change or that I don't want to be transformed. I just can't get the chrysalis to burst open. I'm waiting, wings folded, to break free from this life that has grown too small for me.

Turned inside out

I'm so tired and exhausted that it feels like every nerve is raw, every emotion too close to the surface; almost like having been turned inside out. For almost a week now I've felt like I'm having the worst PMT (without a period), and I feel so weepy it's crazy. My circle sisters and lovelies know just how not weepy I am, but not now. I could almost burst into tears for no reason at all - or for any reason. This is not like me. It's not bad though, just unfamiliar.

It may just be a Very Good Thing that I've finally dived deep into the sea of emotions, gently bobbing on its waves and feeling the strong, currents in its depths, that so exatly mirror my own emotions. I've surely taken my time to go with Domnu, but here I am, Lady. Perhaps I should revisit the place She brought me to in that meditation in Chalice Well two years ago; the space that echoed with the energy of the Caer Sidi, a cavelike space outside of time and place which appears to be at the centre of all dimensions and from which I will be able to move freely between them. Perhaps this is just another nudge from the Lady that it is about time I come back and get to work.

Still, the feeling of having suddenly been turned inside out and wearing my emotions without protective walls, is not entirely pleasant; and yes, what a challenge!