Senseless attraction

So I saw this person today, who I used to be really attracted to. As in pure, unadulterated desire. At the time, I thought he might become a challenge, and even possible fall, of any other relationships, as I would never be able to say no to him. That changed. He, umm... turned out to be a lot more talk than action, and not living the talk. Failing to live up to his words, I realised that I wouldn't play his game. If he wants me, he'd better let me know and come clean about things. I need to protect myself.

And seeing that he's a man, and I prefer women, I thought I was well and truly over him. Until now, when I realise that the same desire is there, even though I'm still as annoyed with his manboyish lack of responsibility and still don't want him in my life. Emotionally, I don't want him. But my body betrays me. So the risk of him jeopardising relationships is apparently still there. But I dare say that it's a challenge I would win.

Do you have people who attract you in the same senseless way?

17 going on 35

17 going on 35 - that's how I feel; a grown-up teenage. Older on the outside than on the inside, almost growing younger as I age. Young and old at the same time, a young adult with an ancient soul.
I know I am an old soul, that I (partly) chose to come back to this life to learn to just live. To learn to love, break down the barriers to my heart and finally be healed, thorougly and completely. I pray that I will find that love, that I will allow myself to be loved in the same way that I love - unconditionally, in deep colour.

It feels funny, this teenager thing. Like I'm finally waiting for that big first love, the all-encompassing love, passionate, consuming, the one that will change my emotional makeup forever. I feel like I'm waiting to experience love as reborn, as the person I've turned into. To turn a new leaf, break through the chrysalis and spread my wings like a butterfly.

I long to be recklessly, hopelessly infatuated, to feel my heart flutter at the thought of him, to feel my stomach full of butterflies, to feel my knees buckle when he brushes my hair aside and kisses that soft spot on my throat just below the ear.

I want him to make me go crazy with desire, waves of passion rippling through our bodies, our hearts beating in unison. Forever young at heart.

Tempting, but no thanks

Will the temptation ever die? Will there ever be a time when I no longer turn to my shadow self when things get rough? Will I ever not look in the mirror at the first signs of trouble? It's still a gut reaction, a reflex, to step into the shadow and let that part of me whisper just a little bit louder when this life gets too stressful, too frustrating, too full of duty and too lacking in sex, fun and creativity.

So I'm a passionate person, and I've found that the two sides of my passion are creation and destruction. If I don't get my kicks one way, I need them the other. If there's too little creativity, I become destructive. It's not the least surprising, although the realisation that this is really the case came as a bit of a surprise. But it explained everything perfectly. In my life, I have for long periods of time had very little room and/or energy for creativity, and lacking that creative outlet, I have found other outlets, mostly destructive ones. And I never understood that my penchant for self-destruction had anything to do with the passion that I sometimes misread as intensity or hypomania, but is just a very natural, fiery, earthy passion. That is, until I understood.

When life becomes too full of stressors, mainly in the form of lack of money, and there are more duties than fun, or I feel stress and pressure and don't know how to express it, how to release the energy, I turn to my shadow self. This is how I have done for many years, and even though I rarely act on it, I turn that way. It is my default reaction. That part of me seems like a twisted comforter, an escape into a reality that deals with problems on a completely different scale.

I can be so very, very tempted to let that side of me take over for a while, to let the stressful thoughts drown in the whispers of my shadow self and just obliterate everything else. Just for a while it would be wonderful to hand the wheel to my dark passenger and let her drive. Just for a while. But I know it doesn't work that way. I don't trust myself to let that other side of me out for just a bit, because I know that if I give her space and listen to her, she will always demand more space, more time, more of me. She is never satisfied with just a little. And if I'm feeling vulnerable and really, really want an escape from the pressuring, stressful reality, I might just as well be tempted to give just a bit more space to my dark, destructive side... and more... and more... Not intending to step back into the mirror fully, into the dark glass, but just as a small way out. And I know too well how hard it is to step out again, to tear myself away from that escape - I've done that too many times in the past before I stepped away from the mirror.

So I am tempted, but I don't go there. Not very far, anyway. I'd love to, just for a while, just to rest in numb oblivion, but no thanks.
Because I know I will want more and more and more. This is my drug of choice.