Time flown

Yes, still alive. How did five years whizz by so fast? Journeying deeper into the Underworld than I thought I would ever go seems to have taken me out of time, or into another kind of time; the timeless present. When I initiated and made vows to Goddess, and just a few months later accepted the beginning of what I now can see for an initiation, I had no idea of how She would take me up on "Bring it on", or what travelling between the worlds would mean (for me).

Was it blind faith or ignorant madness to accept Her challenge so willingly? To make such big vows, bigger than I was aware of? Well, seeing how my faith has been tested, and how I seem to be in a state of "now I remember, now I forget" who I am and my faith, it seems to have been pretty blind. On the one hand I feel deeply unworthy for forgetting and straying from my path, on the other hand I know, deep down, that She is deeming me worthy for meeting and surrendering to Her challenges, and walking through them. After all the only path that matters is life, and living. What use is a perfect spiritual practice, all the right rituals and all sorts of paraphernalia if you don't survive? That's not my path, anyway. Living Goddess is my calling, and in order to be able to walk with people through their shadow worlds, and hold them through their darkness, I must have walked through mine. Or, as the case turns out to be, walk through mine. Present tense. In darkness and in light…

I feel guilty for cutting myself off from the community I love and loved belonging to, but I think it's what I've had to do. (Spoken as if I ever made a choice.) Some journeys we seem to have to make alone to find the treasures and learn to befriend – rather than defeat – the monsters we meet in the shadow realms. But the guilt, and loss, is real. And the fear of not having anything to return to, of not being welcome, as I did step away. Or strayed. Or was pulled away. I wonder if Innana feared that she would have nothing to return to, or Odysseus, or Persephone. What is left of the world we knew when we've gone beyond the edge and returned? We return changed, so how could the world we knew still be the same?

Ah well, I'll see if the road takes me back to the places and people I love. The intention was never to disappear, but I've had to focus on what's here and now, in the analog world, and still do. The constant equation between energy and everything I want to do.

But I am alive. That matters.

A Thing of Beauty: An Ode to Hummingbirds

I found this blog post on Nikki Reed's blog, which I occasionally read. I've seen a couple of interviews with her since the Twilight craze started, and been … intrigued. She's not like your average Hollywood actress; like with Kristen Stewart, you don't know what she will say, how she will reply to the questions. And I'm getting that she' pretty smart. Quirky, undoubtedly very very creative, and smart. Reading her blog also reveals that she has an interesting way with words, that absolutely appeals to me, and a fascinating way to look at the world.

This piece, An Ode to Hummingbirds, was written by her grandfather, and was just so beautiful and captivating, and sad, that I want to share it. (Go here for a slightly larger version if you have trouble reading it.)

I have never seen a hummingbird; we don't get them this far north. But they have always fascinated me; so tiny, so beautiful, so full of energy, appearing to defy the laws of gravity. My heart weeps for those two souls, although I know that they are endlessly, forever flying in the Summerlands, and for the fact that once again, we humans are responsible for a creature so beautiful becoming scarce.

A reminder of how precious life is

A friend of mine died two days ago. Not died as in died permanently, but she died on the operating table during a short routine procedure. She ceased breathing, her heart stopped and she had to be shocked back to life. Thank Goddess for that extra amount of energy that, together with her own life force and determination, brought her back. Her time has not come yet.

The thing is, we know that she may not have indefinite time, but surely not this soon. Because of a persistent cold, I haven't been able to see her for a long time, as I can't risk infecting her with anything, and I want to see her. I can feel that there are still things left for her to do, to see, to experience, and I am so grateful that she is here, and not on the meadows of the Summer Land.

But it is a powerful reminder of how precious and short life is. In the blink of an eye, everything can change; everything can end as we know it. That makes mindfulness and a presence in the here and now so much more important; to live life to the fullest, each and every minute of it. I am once again humbled by the greatness of life and the mystery with which Goddess works.