Honouring the process

Samhain is approaching. I've been feeling the energy shifting for weeks now, but more clearly so in the past few days, as I grow more and more calm as the Crone's energy grows ever stronger. I walk more boldly with Her now, more secure in the knowledge that She is there with me every step of the way. I only need to reach out my hand or lean back into her arms. Just like Rhiannon will stop for those who ask for Her, the Dark Mother is always already there for those who ask. And yes, asking and receiving is still an issue for me.

I started a strange descent into the darkness, into the Underworld, at the time of the Summer Solstice full moon. It was entirely unexpected, and has been very painful; it has almost taken me away from everything I hold dear, and I have many times wondered if She will strip me of everything, everyone. Walking with the Dark Mother isn't a pleasant journey. It is terrifying at times, it rips me apart, turns away the light and the warmth of normal life; it is tiring, confusing, hurtful. Chaotic. It brings back hurtful memories, it opens old wounds, has old patterns being repeated before my eyes; it leaves me stripped bare of my strength and skin, utterly vulnerable. And I am hurt to the very core of my being, over and over again. It is Inanna's descent into the Underworld, being torn apart and only then re-membering myself again. It is a journey of darkness, despair, loneliness, and pain. It is death, and it is transformation. It is tremendous learning, growing, empowerment, and healing, once I give in to the process instead of fighting it. Because I do fight it. It is part of my process of change; I go into it kicking and screaming, objecting wildly, resisting, but never quitting, never giving up. I will go with the flow, but in my time. It is the process.

Many times I have wished that there was a solution, a way out, a way to escape or alleviate the pain, and I can tell that others feel the same. But today, a growing realisation finally became clear to me: this is exactly how it is supposed to be. There is no easy solution, no shortcut, no way out for me. However painful it is, however I may despair, this is part of the process. I won't get out of the Underworld with the knowledge, healing, and empowerment I am supposed to find there if I stop half way. I will not emerge stronger, more in my power, more radiant if I cut the journey short. There is no other way but staying the course, however much I may cry over it. It is a process, it is a journey, and the goal is at the end of it.

And this is how it has to be, which is the hardest thing to explain as we human beings want to minimise suffering. Because if I do not walk every step of the way of my journey, if I don't experience the process fully and deeply, how am I ever going to be able to walk with others through their processes? I must know the pain and despair from passing through the Underworld, and the liberation and joy of coming back out again, before I can teach it to someone else. It is how it has to be, it is the path I am called to. As a Priestess of love and death, I must know the heights as well as the depths, the light as well as the darkness, I must know from within that the despair will pass, that there is a shining speck of light even in the darkest night. I must learn, and I must know in order to teach.

Realising this, I can honour the process. This journey is mine to travel, but I can learn to ask others to hold me, hear me, and walk with me through parts of it. All is as it should be. All is well.

The root of all…

I'm beginning to wonder whether the root of all my problems now is simply exhaustion. Haven't slept properly in 4? 5? 6 months, haven't had a single day without feeling worried about income since my former publisher announced that they would end their fantasy line (thus cutting my yearly income by half in one blow) a year ago. I feel drained, and have done since August, September some time. But even though I am careful not to overbook myself, I never get the chance to get really rested, recharge my batteries, and come back to my normal self. Partly because there are always things to do, money and work to worry about, and the constant awareness that I need to make a change but not being able to find the stillness and focus to do so, or the energy; and partly because I don't know how to recharge my batteries. How do I relax? How do I find a chance to come back in the midst of all this normal life? I don't know how to do it. Any advice would be ever so appreciated!

I am almost constantly exhausted, and the exhaustion lowers my resistance to negative thoughts and makes me incredibly vulnerable to other people's criticism and mood swings, as well as making me anxious. Or perhaps it just lowers my anxiety threshold and resistance to anxiety. Anyhow, it all seems to completely cover the true me. I miss me.

In the Cauldron

Yes, so it seems. I'm in the Cauldron already. Or again. But I have a feeling that I haven't left it in these… almost four years since I started the Priestess training. It appears my path is to walk with the Dark Mother. So bring it on.

Bring it on, Keridwen, Dark Mother, Crone Mother. 

Bring on Your bubbling cauldron, may You stir it gently.

Bring Your wisdom and Your change, a thousand little deaths before transformative rebirth.

Bring on the darkness and the cold.

Bring on the chilly northern winds in the middle of the night,

left alone on the highest mountain.

Bring on the dampness of Your cave,

where the sow roots in the earth, 

digging up hidden treasures and the things that have lain hidden for too long.

Bring your bats, dark-winged companions of the night.

Remind me that You are there beside me every step of the way,

gently holding me in the darkness.

And I will take your hand and step into the cauldron.

©Lisa Isaksson, October 2010

Bye bye, Blondie?

So, for a few months I've been blondish, in an attempt to get back to my natural blonde and a challenge to stay blonde for a while. I started dying my hair when I was 15, so for 21 years I've only gone back to my natural for perhaps a year at the longest. Even though I am far blonder than I originally thought (I always think I'm this boring, mousy darkish not-blonde-not-brown-not-really-anything), I tend to end up feeling very blah, boring and invisible in my natural colour. Let's face it; I'm a natural blonde but that's all that's blonde with me. I'm not a blonde in any other way.

But still, from time to time I try to go back to find the natural colour. It would be so much cheaper and easier and better for my hair if I could settle for natural, but it never lasts. Part of me really wants to be this nature child, who's just… well, natural. But I'm not. I'm a nature child in other ways, that is in my connection to nature, but I'm very apparently not a nature child as in staying natural in hair and lack of makeup and so on. So why deny who I am?

Which means, I guess: Bye bye, Blondie!

Mysteries of the Journey

Have you ever thought about how, sometimes, we start out together on a journey to a common goal, but that our paths diverge and differ, and that we arrive at the goal at different times, even though we may have taken the first step at the exact same time? I find this fascinating, and sometimes a bit frustrating, as the reasons for the differences in the journeys are not always within our control. Of course there are reasons for the different journeys we end up taking; we all have our personal journeys to make, our challenges to meet and overcome, our resistance to deal with. There is a reason for everything that happens on the journey, from the ease of the first step, the windings on the road, the crossroads and the choices we have to make there, to the people we meet, and so on.


It's like we start from the same place with the same destination in mind, perhaps even the same intention to reach the destination, but that we end up buying our tickets from different travel agents. Asking for the same route, you get an express ticket, whereas I get a slightly longer route that will require me to change my transportation along the way. We will both get to the destination, but at a different time. I may feel slightly envious and puzzled as to why you got the express ticket; don't I want to get there as fast as possible too? don't I have the same desire to reach that destination as you do? Why does the Divine/the Universe do this to me? But I forget that I will get there in the exact right time.

Then it turns out that your express route was apparently subject to roadwork, there are obstacles ahead, and your transportation is rerouted and delayed. Now you may wonder why you are being stopped from reaching your destination, when the road looked so smooth and direct to begin with. Thus forgetting that the stops are there for a reason, for your best.

Eventually, we both reach our destination, at the exact right time, and with the exact right experiences from the journey. Perhaps we have learned to trust the journey, and that we all have our own specific journeys, whose timing is always perfect for us; but then again, we might forget until the next time. I try to remind myself that no matter what anyone else's journey looks like; my journey is my own and can't be compared to yours. Of course, I sometimes get jealous when someone gets to their destination way sooner than me, or seems to have a smoother journey, and I can even beat myself up over it, wondering what I'm doing wrong or why I'm being held back like this. But more and more often, I manage to remember that we have our individual journeys without even having to think about it. Less frustration, more flow, and I can actually sit back and enjoy the journey, intrigued to see what surprises it will bring to me. So sit back, relax and enjoy the journey.

Happy travelling!

Dance joy

I've spent a weekend dancing in workshops with two amazing teachers: Elin Kåven from Norway (who's also a Sami singer – listen to her on Spotify and see her MySpace for song and dance delight) and Dud Muurmand from Denmark. To say that it's been inspiring is an understatement. I love dancing for new teachers, to experience their energy, their thoughts and choreographies, and to learn from many different dancers. To me, that's an essential part of the learning process, or should I say the growth process of becoming and being a dancer. It's a constant growing and learning, practising and drilling the techniques while finding myself (or my Self) in the dance to make the steps mine, to conquer the mystery of dance, of the union between music, movement and emotion for myself. I'm always wary of mimicking someone else, of being one of those unoriginal dancers who copy someone else's style instead of fusing inspirations with something of their own. And I realise that I am, albeit slowly and hesitantly, finding a place for myself in the dance. In the magical wonderland that is Tribal dance.

Actually, the weekend started on Friday, with a tribal fusion show at the Museum of World Culture here in Gothenburg. It was great and showed the huge span of the tribal fusion genre, and was in itself inspiring. Then I did a combinations/choreography workshop for Elin, which gave me some nice new ideas of how to work with steps. What is even more inspiring with Elin is how she has brought her Sami culture into tribal fusion. I've never thought of exploring Sami music for dance, even though my Sami ancestry calls to me. Not as loudly as my Priestess calling, but it's present, and has been for years. And eventually, I will have to explore it. I've seen myself dancing, strong, grounded and very close to nature in a place that I know is somewhere up north, I just don't know where. One of my guides is a small, Sami noaidi, whom I know as Rana and whose presence I have felt strongly during healing sessions, when she beats her drum and mutters softly to herself. I know there is something there, just out of reach, and perhaps it is through dance I will find the path into the lands of my ancestors.

Yesterday afternoon I did a dramatic workshop for Dud, and with my drama background and desire to tell stories, express myself and touch people through all of the creative things I do, it was of course wonderful. I wouldn't say pure pleasure, because going as deep as you do in dramatic workshops in order to access the deep emotions, is often more a challenge than a pleasure. But I love it ♥ I'm not always comfortable speaking about how I feel, or showing it to people, but in dance I do. It's easier to express in movements than in words.

The workshop today was on gypsy fusion, and wow! I absolutely ♥ ♥ ♥ it!!! I love the expressiveness, the grounding, the drama, the storytelling. Very, very inspiring. And together with the other workshops I have found the joy of dancing again. This weekend couldn't have come at a better time. For a few weeks now, I've been struggling with the motivation for dancing, having no inspiration whatsoever and questioning whether I should go on dancing at all. Hitting a plateau, sure, we all do it, but this felt like going backwards. I'm still not a particularly good dancer, but now I feel like I've got a vision and focus again. It's still a long way to getting up on stage and performing, but I'm working for it again.

Dance is life. And dance connects the dots in my life in such a magnificent way.

Make me good, but not yet

I'm not a very good person. I try, and it's not like I go out of my way to be mean or do wrong against others; I don't wish death on anyone (although I sometimes see plastic sheets in their future) and I would never use black magic or use rituals to do harm. But I think bad thoughts about people and sometimes I do wish bad things on them. Karma does its work, but sometimes karma just isn't fast enough.

I can be a bitch; I can be a real bitch. Mess with the people I care about and I'll show you bitchy; mess with and I may seem strangely forgiving, but I can hold a grudge like you've never seen one held before.

I sometimes think that I should be kinder, less given to bitchiness and ill thought, but the thing is that I like thinking ill thoughts, I like being a bitch - sometimes, not all the time. It's an effective release, a vent, a way of letting out steam. I mean no real harm, and it's just thoughts, words. (The real hitlist is in fact very short.) So until I feel that I'm free from my need to let off steam, I can tolerate not being good through and through.

So make me good, but not yet. And not too good. It's the imperfections that give us flavour.

~ Lisa on the move, posted from BlogPress

October Circle of Light

The Circle of Light is held the first Wednesday of every month.
The next circle is on the 6th of October.

The purpose of this circle is to connect us as a community and to connect to the Healing and Lifegiving flame of Goddess. To send a circle of healing light into the world. This is done in whatever way feels right for you.

The connection to the Circle of Light starts at 6pm local time and goes until the following morning. Please light a candle and tap into the web of energy that we create with our participation. No matter when you connect, the presence of our collective spirits and Goddess will be there.

For the October Circle of Light, let us be still and gather our energy in the place of balance; to gather strength where we feel weak, to focus healing where we are wounded, to spread light in the dark spots, and to balance any imbalances we have. Let us gather energy for the next turning of the wheel, so that we may regain our strength and be able to manifest the brilliant future that is ours if we co-create it.

Let us pray for energy in times of tiredness, for strength in times of weakness, for hope in times of darkness and need, for abundance, light, support, answers. The Great Mother is there, waiting to hold and heal Her children; we only need to ask. And let us pray for acceptance and for the serenity to see that we get what we need, even if we may not understand what we need or in what way we need it. All is as it should be, even if we don't feel it here and now. All will be well in the end, and if it isn't, it's because this isn't the end.

Join in this Circle of Light and weave a web of love and healing that will bring balance. Shine the light of Avalon, and let it reflect in your light!

For more information on the Circle of light, go here.
Blessed be
Lisa