Blind loyalty

I’ve been thinking about this with blind faith, blind loyalty, love is blind. I don’t believe in doing things blindly; I think there’s a danger to that. Of course, sometimes we have to trust faith, and step into the unknown just hoping that it will work. But honestly, I never do so lightly, never without hesitation, never trusting fortune completely. I doubt, I resist, but I surrender. I do it without knowing what will come – blindly, in that sense – but hoping that I can deal with what comes. Because I’ve  prepare as best I can, before; I’ve considered scenarios and done what I can to give fortune a chance. Sometimes I even enjoy not knowing, and having to surrender control, but I’ve always given it some consideration and decided that it’s worth it. Blindly? Not really. Trusting, more like it. Trusting in spite of not knowing, trusting something higher to help, and trusting myself to handle what may come.

My faith in Goddess is deep, but is it blind? No. And it’s not unwavering. I doubt, I question, I rebel, but I surrender, and I trust Her to be there, as I know She is. And as I know, I don’t have to believe it. I know. 

And my faith is not in some perfect deity, not in trusting that all will always be well. I walk Her path knowing that it’s not perfect, as I’m not perfect, as nothing in Nature is perfect. We don’t know what may come. But it is what it is. Maybe that’s perfection. And it’s how my faith is; I may resist, question, and go into things kicking and screaming, but  I surrender. I do it. I take Her hand.  

Blind loyalty, now there’s something I don’t trust at all. I think it’s dangerous when people obey and are loyal without questioning, without thinking and reflecting upon who they are loyal to. People who are blindly loyal are easily manipulated, and we see it all the time. It’s fundamental to any sect culture, whether it is religious, political, success/self-development… It’s how atrocities are commited in the name of a God or a leader or an ideology. It’s not sane.

In faith and religious contexts, as well as in politics and activism, I have witnessed blind loyalty, and how it can destroy something that was once good. We all know how power can corrupt, and that people who follow without questioning build leaderships who will not be questioned. That climate will cause fraction and discord, and will break apart communities. The blindly loyal won’t accept voices of dissent. They will regard that as disloyalty, when in fact it may be the deepest loyalty to the cause and the people behind it. And leaders raised by blindly loyal may even become blinded by them. A good leader doesn’t need blindly loyal followers, they need clear-sighted equals who dare speak up and question. 

I’m deeply loyal to people I trust and love, but never blindly so. I’m clear-sightedly loyal. I see their flaws, I don’t stand behind things that I don’t agree with, I question when they do harm or demand the unreasonable; I never buy into the whole package. My loyalty is to a person, not all of their actions and opinions. I think for myself. I agree to the reasonable, but I will never give up my free will and free path. I won’t trust you just because you are who you are, I don’t take orders, I have a free mind and free spirit that won’t be controlled. This makes me a poor follower, but a good friend. A good and loyal equal. I may stand behind you, but I will not walk behind you. I will walk next to you, or my own path. And I won’t compromise my own truth.

Love. Love is blind. But is it, really? Does it have to be? Blind love is a lot like blind loyalty; it’s blind, unthinking, unreflecting. It doesn’t see the flaws. I do, even in deepest love. If I love you, I love you in spite of your flaws. And there are things that even love cannot bridge, that even love cannot approve of. Even then, I may love you even though I cannot accept what you do. Acceptance is the key to whether love is enough. “Accept the things I cannot change…”

For me, love isn’t blind, but accepting. 

Senseless attraction

So I saw this person today, who I used to be really attracted to. As in pure, unadulterated desire. At the time, I thought he might become a challenge, and even possible fall, of any other relationships, as I would never be able to say no to him. That changed. He, umm... turned out to be a lot more talk than action, and not living the talk. Failing to live up to his words, I realised that I wouldn't play his game. If he wants me, he'd better let me know and come clean about things. I need to protect myself.

And seeing that he's a man, and I prefer women, I thought I was well and truly over him. Until now, when I realise that the same desire is there, even though I'm still as annoyed with his manboyish lack of responsibility and still don't want him in my life. Emotionally, I don't want him. But my body betrays me. So the risk of him jeopardising relationships is apparently still there. But I dare say that it's a challenge I would win.

Do you have people who attract you in the same senseless way?

Learning to love yourself

I stumbled onto Louise L. Hay's Amazon.com page, like I sometimes do, and my eyes were caught by a book I've seen before; the Love Yourself, Heal Your Life Workbook. Looking in it makes me sad. I realise that loving myself still doesn't come easy. Or even naturally. It's one of the things that seem to move in spirals - when I think I have learned to love and accept myself, something happens that challenges that self love. The journey deepens, the path winds ever closer to the centre of my being; to the most deeply wounded places. It is only natural, but it's painful, and it's sad to learn how I still struggle with such a simple thing: self-love, self-acceptance.

Some people seem to just love themselves; it seems to simple for them, so natural. I envy them. I didn't grow up feeling unconditional love - it may have been there, but I always felt that there were conditions that had to be met - and I have never felt unconditional love for myself, nor been able to understand how anyone else could love me unconditionally. When I love, I love unconditionally and freely - it doesn't mean I do everything right by the people I love or that I am able to always let that love guide me - but I apparently still don't believe that the same thing could be extended to me.

Reading Louise L. Hay's foreword to Love Yourself... I feel sad. I want to love myself, I want to accept myself in a way that means I won't lash out from a place of frustration and pain, I want to heal myself with love. And I can't believe how hard it is, or how I don't really know how to learn to love myself. I thought I had come so far, and yet, here I am.

Our subconscious mind accepts whatever we choose to believe. The Universal Power never judges or criticizes us. It only accepts us at our own value. If you accept a limiting belief, then it will become the truth for you. If you believe that you’re too short, too fat, too thin, too tall, too smart, not smart enough, too rich, too poor, or incapable of forming relationships, then those beliefs will become true for you.

I want to believe that I am beautiful and smart, and that I am lovable and worth loving - but when I feel that I can't or don't know how to do it, I limit myself. I do. I am aware of that. Have you any idea of how frustrating it is to be aware of the "wrong" thought and still not be able to shake it off? When I try to change it, there is always the doubt that maybe I'm just fooling myself with the affirmations. What if? What if I am, in fact, not beautiful, or smart, or lovable? Am I only deluding myself? That what if is something I haven't yet understood how to bypass.

Remember that we’re dealing with thoughts, and thoughts can be changed. We have unlimited choices about what we can think, and the point of power is always in the present moment.

This I know, and I hope to figure out how. It's time for another round of self-worth work. Yes, I ordered the book, and a number of others, and will give them a serious try when I get them. And in the meantime really try to break the negative thought patterns and drown the negative voices. Every thought I think creates my future.

The greatest love of all

Is easy to achieve

Learning to love yourself

It is the greatest love of all

~Greatest Love of All, Whitney Houston

Note: The beautiful picture above isn't mine, and no copyright infringement is intended. You can find this, and several other amazing, affirming and empowering art pieces in Patricia Omoqui's store.