Yes, still alive. How did five years whizz by so fast? Journeying deeper into the Underworld than I thought I would ever go seems to have taken me out of time, or into another kind of time; the timeless present. When I initiated and made vows to Goddess, and just a few months later accepted the beginning of what I now can see for an initiation, I had no idea of how She would take me up on "Bring it on", or what travelling between the worlds would mean (for me).
Was it blind faith or ignorant madness to accept Her challenge so willingly? To make such big vows, bigger than I was aware of? Well, seeing how my faith has been tested, and how I seem to be in a state of "now I remember, now I forget" who I am and my faith, it seems to have been pretty blind. On the one hand I feel deeply unworthy for forgetting and straying from my path, on the other hand I know, deep down, that She is deeming me worthy for meeting and surrendering to Her challenges, and walking through them. After all the only path that matters is life, and living. What use is a perfect spiritual practice, all the right rituals and all sorts of paraphernalia if you don't survive? That's not my path, anyway. Living Goddess is my calling, and in order to be able to walk with people through their shadow worlds, and hold them through their darkness, I must have walked through mine. Or, as the case turns out to be, walk through mine. Present tense. In darkness and in light…
I feel guilty for cutting myself off from the community I love and loved belonging to, but I think it's what I've had to do. (Spoken as if I ever made a choice.) Some journeys we seem to have to make alone to find the treasures and learn to befriend – rather than defeat – the monsters we meet in the shadow realms. But the guilt, and loss, is real. And the fear of not having anything to return to, of not being welcome, as I did step away. Or strayed. Or was pulled away. I wonder if Innana feared that she would have nothing to return to, or Odysseus, or Persephone. What is left of the world we knew when we've gone beyond the edge and returned? We return changed, so how could the world we knew still be the same?
Ah well, I'll see if the road takes me back to the places and people I love. The intention was never to disappear, but I've had to focus on what's here and now, in the analog world, and still do. The constant equation between energy and everything I want to do.
But I am alive. That matters.
Showing posts with label Darkness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Darkness. Show all posts
Saturday, 16 December 2017
Thursday, 23 September 2010
Handle with care
I guess it's partly my fault for being there, listening, taking on a lot without complaining or setting boundaries for when I've had enough; but it can't be all my responsibility, can it? Perhaps I choose to surround myself with people who, well, don't think about that I might be breakable, too, underneath that apparently strong exterior. Or who don't hear me saying that I am. Sometimes, I just wonder when I became the one people tend to dump their problems, their frustrations, their bad moods on. Time and time again, I seem to get stuff thrown at me that I haven't asked for. OK, so I am often willing to lend a listening ear and some support, but that doesn't mean I want to have it thrown at me all the time. Why can't people stop and think, just for a split second, before tossing their problems in someone else's lap or throwing their bad mood in someone's face? Why can't they just be a little bit more gentle?
I've had some pretty rough weeks, with a cold that just won't go away and energy levels that have plummeted. Still, I've tried to give and be there, because that's what I do. That's who I am. When I suddenly realised that I feel completely drained, empty, with nothing left to give, I didn't know how to recharge those batteries, how to fill myself again. I slow down for a day or two, but then I'm right there again, ready to care, to help, to be there. Like I said, because that's who I am. But then I felt like I crashed and just cried and cried. And still, I couldn't prevent myself from feeling other people's anxiety, or sadness, or worries, or you-name-it. And be there. Voluntarily. Until I realised that it was becoming a one-way giving. Suddenly, I felt like I'm constantly giving and not getting anything back. Apart from other people's problems, frustrations, bad moods. It got to the point when I actually stopped caring for people around me, and isolated myself, because I just can't take any more. I can't keep caring about them when they apparently just don't give a f*** about me. Because when I isolate, the phone goes silent.
I though I was getting better, stronger, again, that my energy was coming back. I could smile again, I could laugh again, I didn't start crying when I dropped something. And then, there it is again. I'm the dumping-ground for someone's bad temper and frustration. Who then moves on without thinking about it. Gee, thanks. That, and a bad night's lack of enough sleep, and losing a job assignment, changed this day. I started out calm, happy, positive. Now I feel like I'm again reduced to a blubbering puddle of tears with no energy whatsoever. So bloody tiring!
So please: Handle with care.
Monday, 3 August 2009
Long and Negative Rant - getting it off my chest
There are days when everything is just wrong, and no matter how hard I try to stay positive, use affirmations, mental pep talk, change the things I can change and accept the things I can't change, I can't muster the positivity. When I open my mouth to say anything about how I am, I hear this whining bitch who Just Isn't Me. So that's a topic I shy away from. I don't want to bitch and moan, I don't want to be this wandering dark cloud that may just suck up everyone else's good mood. And I most definitely don't want to sound like a victim.
I'm overtired, overstressed; undervacationed and underslept, and have two more weeks of continuous hard work before the big deadline. I can't ask for an extension, as it's already been renegotiated, and if the book is to be published this year, it has to start going through the publishing house mill soon. And because I was a bit optimistic and thought I couldn't possibly need more than three months for the script, and forgot that in this business, work tends to come in torrents rather than in trickles, which it did, and was very much affected by the heat earlier in summer (affected meaning mentally semi-incapacitated), it has become somewhat stressful. Most of all, of course, I was very optimistic regarding my own workload capacity, as I keep forgetting that I still am not back where I was before last autumn.
I don't like to moan about my work situation as I am absolutely aware that I have chosen to be freelance, and thus have to accept what that entails. (How much of that choice was really a full choice and how much was a default choice can be discussed; but the fact remains: I chose to be a translator.) But there are parts about this that I haven't chosen, namely the flow of work. I've gone most of the year with very little work, so when there is all of a sudden lots coming in, I have to take on as much as I possibly can, as I desperately need the money. It is a choice, but parts of it is necessity. So I've gone from less than half-time to three parallell projects and way too much to do, which is actually pretty normal for this industry. But since my focus is not the best, and doesn't get any better from sleep deprivation as I haven't been able to sleep well for months now, everything takes so much longer than it normally should. And I'm feeling more depressed and anxious, tired to the point where it feels unhealthily tired, and my body is reacting to it(which isn't strange, since it was probably a PTSD reaction last year and it takes longer to recover from than a year); but what can I do? This is the only job I have, this is all I can. I have a deadline to meet and I need the money to not only pay my bills, but to pay for dance classes and workshops in autumn, and to be able to *Goddess willing* start my 2nd spiral of the Priestess of Avalon training. So I really can't say no to work assignments even if I could do with some time off.
But I still don't like to talk about this with others, as I don't want to be dismissed with "it's your choice".
Come to think of it, there's a lot of things I don't speak about now. I can see a pattern here... Whenever I'm lower, more tired, sadder, I turn away from how I feel and focus on other things. Usually other people's feelings and needs. This time, I've actually thought that I'm dealing with it beautifully by working with affirmations and positive thoughts, which have worked to a degree, but realise that doing that I don't really get to the bottom of the problem and work to solve it, when I should really be doing both. That is of course assuming that I a) know what the problem is, and b) can solve it.
I am very much present in my emotions, so there's no denial of them, but when I start getting too negative and tired, it feels more positive and productive to focus on positive things rather than negative. Letting myself be consumed by stress, sadness, weariness, powerlessness or whatever I may be feeling in the moment, won't make anything better, so can it really be wrong to focus on the positive?
Today was one of those days. It's been raining on and off for most of the day - and no light rain, at that - I still haven't finished the work I've planned for today but went to dance class anyway. Since February, the dance has pretty much been a huge source of joy and creativity, and an outlet for stress and any emotions, but for the last two weeks (with no dance, as it's the summer holiday), I've felt less enthusiastic about it. And with being stressed and having no energy, it may not have been the wisest thing to do. I sucked!
Nothing worked the way I wanted it to; there were steps I should have learned but had no recollection of whatsoever (could be that they learned them in the first weeks of the summer course, when I wasn't there), and not only did I feel bad about it, I also didn't learn them as fast as I wanted to as the channels between body and brain appeared to have shut down; I didn't feel like I was able to follow the class like I normally do, I felt SO out of place and really struggled to stay present and focussed, but no. I'm just so disappointed in myself. Of course I'm allowed a bad day, but surely by now I should be able to expect more of myself than this?
As usual with me, low self esteem seems to be paired with a high degree of perfectionism. So I really can't do anything right today,
The mirror didn't make it any better, because we are so not friends right now. I've put on weight this summer, too much weight, and the problem is that I don't know why. If I knew that I'd overeaten, at least I would know why, but now I don't. And it doesn't help that the few people I've mentioned it to have said words to the effect that it suits me and that I'm still slim; showing that everyone can see that I've put on weight. It's not just my imagination. I hate it to a degree most people wouldn't understand, and I know that it's not rational.
The mirrors in the dance studio today were particularly evil, and when I was already panicking over how bad a dancer I've become in just a few weeks' time, let's just say that it didn't make it better. I am bigger than I want to be - and what I want is no longer a sickly skinny ideal - and I don't feel at home in my body. I hate the look of it now to the extent that I feel weepy and angry and desperate, but I'm too smart to do something drastic about it. I'm more hoping that it may be stress induced and will normalise when my life gets back to a more normal pace. Having said that, I wouldn't mind dancing in a dark room without mirrors, or in a burkha, next time.
Do the body issues get to me because I'm tired, stressed, and have lower self esteem, or do I have lower self esteem because of the body issues? Where's the hen and the egg?
Are they ED related or normal? How freaked out and disgusted with your body is normal to get? I will claim that as long as I'm not doing anything stupid because of the body image issues, it's not an eating disorder, or even leftovers of it, but normal body anxiety. But I will probably never know where you draw the line between normal neurosis and the remains of the ED. All I know that it is my choice whether I ever go back to the ED behaviours.
The day is coming to an end, I have more work left to do, and feel relieved that it will soon be time to sleep and a new day tomorrow. This too shall pass.
I'm overtired, overstressed; undervacationed and underslept, and have two more weeks of continuous hard work before the big deadline. I can't ask for an extension, as it's already been renegotiated, and if the book is to be published this year, it has to start going through the publishing house mill soon. And because I was a bit optimistic and thought I couldn't possibly need more than three months for the script, and forgot that in this business, work tends to come in torrents rather than in trickles, which it did, and was very much affected by the heat earlier in summer (affected meaning mentally semi-incapacitated), it has become somewhat stressful. Most of all, of course, I was very optimistic regarding my own workload capacity, as I keep forgetting that I still am not back where I was before last autumn.
I don't like to moan about my work situation as I am absolutely aware that I have chosen to be freelance, and thus have to accept what that entails. (How much of that choice was really a full choice and how much was a default choice can be discussed; but the fact remains: I chose to be a translator.) But there are parts about this that I haven't chosen, namely the flow of work. I've gone most of the year with very little work, so when there is all of a sudden lots coming in, I have to take on as much as I possibly can, as I desperately need the money. It is a choice, but parts of it is necessity. So I've gone from less than half-time to three parallell projects and way too much to do, which is actually pretty normal for this industry. But since my focus is not the best, and doesn't get any better from sleep deprivation as I haven't been able to sleep well for months now, everything takes so much longer than it normally should. And I'm feeling more depressed and anxious, tired to the point where it feels unhealthily tired, and my body is reacting to it(which isn't strange, since it was probably a PTSD reaction last year and it takes longer to recover from than a year); but what can I do? This is the only job I have, this is all I can. I have a deadline to meet and I need the money to not only pay my bills, but to pay for dance classes and workshops in autumn, and to be able to *Goddess willing* start my 2nd spiral of the Priestess of Avalon training. So I really can't say no to work assignments even if I could do with some time off.
But I still don't like to talk about this with others, as I don't want to be dismissed with "it's your choice".
Come to think of it, there's a lot of things I don't speak about now. I can see a pattern here... Whenever I'm lower, more tired, sadder, I turn away from how I feel and focus on other things. Usually other people's feelings and needs. This time, I've actually thought that I'm dealing with it beautifully by working with affirmations and positive thoughts, which have worked to a degree, but realise that doing that I don't really get to the bottom of the problem and work to solve it, when I should really be doing both. That is of course assuming that I a) know what the problem is, and b) can solve it.
I am very much present in my emotions, so there's no denial of them, but when I start getting too negative and tired, it feels more positive and productive to focus on positive things rather than negative. Letting myself be consumed by stress, sadness, weariness, powerlessness or whatever I may be feeling in the moment, won't make anything better, so can it really be wrong to focus on the positive?
Today was one of those days. It's been raining on and off for most of the day - and no light rain, at that - I still haven't finished the work I've planned for today but went to dance class anyway. Since February, the dance has pretty much been a huge source of joy and creativity, and an outlet for stress and any emotions, but for the last two weeks (with no dance, as it's the summer holiday), I've felt less enthusiastic about it. And with being stressed and having no energy, it may not have been the wisest thing to do. I sucked!
Nothing worked the way I wanted it to; there were steps I should have learned but had no recollection of whatsoever (could be that they learned them in the first weeks of the summer course, when I wasn't there), and not only did I feel bad about it, I also didn't learn them as fast as I wanted to as the channels between body and brain appeared to have shut down; I didn't feel like I was able to follow the class like I normally do, I felt SO out of place and really struggled to stay present and focussed, but no. I'm just so disappointed in myself. Of course I'm allowed a bad day, but surely by now I should be able to expect more of myself than this?
As usual with me, low self esteem seems to be paired with a high degree of perfectionism. So I really can't do anything right today,
The mirror didn't make it any better, because we are so not friends right now. I've put on weight this summer, too much weight, and the problem is that I don't know why. If I knew that I'd overeaten, at least I would know why, but now I don't. And it doesn't help that the few people I've mentioned it to have said words to the effect that it suits me and that I'm still slim; showing that everyone can see that I've put on weight. It's not just my imagination. I hate it to a degree most people wouldn't understand, and I know that it's not rational.
The mirrors in the dance studio today were particularly evil, and when I was already panicking over how bad a dancer I've become in just a few weeks' time, let's just say that it didn't make it better. I am bigger than I want to be - and what I want is no longer a sickly skinny ideal - and I don't feel at home in my body. I hate the look of it now to the extent that I feel weepy and angry and desperate, but I'm too smart to do something drastic about it. I'm more hoping that it may be stress induced and will normalise when my life gets back to a more normal pace. Having said that, I wouldn't mind dancing in a dark room without mirrors, or in a burkha, next time.
Do the body issues get to me because I'm tired, stressed, and have lower self esteem, or do I have lower self esteem because of the body issues? Where's the hen and the egg?
Are they ED related or normal? How freaked out and disgusted with your body is normal to get? I will claim that as long as I'm not doing anything stupid because of the body image issues, it's not an eating disorder, or even leftovers of it, but normal body anxiety. But I will probably never know where you draw the line between normal neurosis and the remains of the ED. All I know that it is my choice whether I ever go back to the ED behaviours.
The day is coming to an end, I have more work left to do, and feel relieved that it will soon be time to sleep and a new day tomorrow. This too shall pass.
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
Days with heavy sighs
And everything feels so heavy again. The air is hard to breathe, there's like a pressure over my chest, and it's very difficult to get started with anything. Could it be depression? But hey - I'm already on antidepressants! Perhaps it's just a brief dip into anxiety. I hope it'll pass soon, because I don't like feelng this unstable, this... vulnerable. It's like my protective outer layer has been peeled off, like my shell is thinner. Like I'm more susceptible to the woes of this world; or rather to my emotions and any other things that affect me. That may be a good thing, but it sure doesn't feel too good. I don't like not feeling like me; I want to be competent and string and full of initiative and... passionate. I want to burn! Now it's more like I'm smouldering.
So what happened? Nothing, really. I went to a fantastic wedding party for one of my darling friends on Saturday, had a migraine instead of a hangover on Sunday (which is infinitely worse while in the midst of it, although I feel better after the migraine than if I had a hangover), and had a real day-after afternoon when a friend came over and we had pizza and watched Twilight.
Yesterday I really didn't want to get out of bed, and had a ridiculously hard time trying to focus on work. Not that there is much work right now - which is a huge stress factor and a partial source to the anxiety - but I do have to get to work on the next book. Of course I became a bit busier in the afternoon, so I ended up missing the bus to dance class. Darnit! I don't show up as late as I would have done if I'd taken the next bus or tried to take the tram and trunk bus there, so I felt sorry for myself and ransacked the kitchen for whatever chocolate I could find.
It feels like there is just so much that goes against me right now: My baby kitty Bonnie is in heat since Friday night, and that's a bit hard to put up with. Sure, Tiger has had mercy on her a couple of times (surely it must be a mercy fuck, coming from a neutered male), but it's not like that shuts her up for long. I never guessed there could be so much noise coming from such a small cat. I knew it would happen, sooner or later, since she's over a year old, but I had hoped she would wait until I had more money. Evidently not. So I've got a vet appointment to sterilize her next Wednesday - apparently it can't be done while she's in heat. But by then I should have had an invoice paid.
My old desktop computer is at its last straw, and I need to get another one. The laptop is also getting a bit old and slow, so they both will need replacing soonish. It just takes so much energy when computers don't work properly
I'm getting a tattoo on Monday, and even though I've been looking forward to this for months, I'm not looking forward to the cost. At the moment, my financial situation is worse than in a long time, but I'm trying to keep my faith that everything will be all right. It has to be.
I won't be able to afford a holiday this summer, but I will be dancing twice a week, and that's better than most holidays.
I've made a decision to have a shopping-free month. It means no shopping for myself, apart from food and things that I need to replace (contact lens fluids etc); and presents to others. It shouldn't be too hard, but seeing how I love to shop and how it's so therapeutic for me, it'll be a challenge. No books, no clothes, no makeup... But I've already got more than enough, and a month is not a very long time. I can't but try, right?
So what happened? Nothing, really. I went to a fantastic wedding party for one of my darling friends on Saturday, had a migraine instead of a hangover on Sunday (which is infinitely worse while in the midst of it, although I feel better after the migraine than if I had a hangover), and had a real day-after afternoon when a friend came over and we had pizza and watched Twilight.
Yesterday I really didn't want to get out of bed, and had a ridiculously hard time trying to focus on work. Not that there is much work right now - which is a huge stress factor and a partial source to the anxiety - but I do have to get to work on the next book. Of course I became a bit busier in the afternoon, so I ended up missing the bus to dance class. Darnit! I don't show up as late as I would have done if I'd taken the next bus or tried to take the tram and trunk bus there, so I felt sorry for myself and ransacked the kitchen for whatever chocolate I could find.
It feels like there is just so much that goes against me right now: My baby kitty Bonnie is in heat since Friday night, and that's a bit hard to put up with. Sure, Tiger has had mercy on her a couple of times (surely it must be a mercy fuck, coming from a neutered male), but it's not like that shuts her up for long. I never guessed there could be so much noise coming from such a small cat. I knew it would happen, sooner or later, since she's over a year old, but I had hoped she would wait until I had more money. Evidently not. So I've got a vet appointment to sterilize her next Wednesday - apparently it can't be done while she's in heat. But by then I should have had an invoice paid.
My old desktop computer is at its last straw, and I need to get another one. The laptop is also getting a bit old and slow, so they both will need replacing soonish. It just takes so much energy when computers don't work properly
I'm getting a tattoo on Monday, and even though I've been looking forward to this for months, I'm not looking forward to the cost. At the moment, my financial situation is worse than in a long time, but I'm trying to keep my faith that everything will be all right. It has to be.
I won't be able to afford a holiday this summer, but I will be dancing twice a week, and that's better than most holidays.
I've made a decision to have a shopping-free month. It means no shopping for myself, apart from food and things that I need to replace (contact lens fluids etc); and presents to others. It shouldn't be too hard, but seeing how I love to shop and how it's so therapeutic for me, it'll be a challenge. No books, no clothes, no makeup... But I've already got more than enough, and a month is not a very long time. I can't but try, right?
Sunday, 10 May 2009
Broken girl, lost in the shadows...
Bad day. I really need to work; I'm massively behind after spending Monday with book-keeping and my tax returns, and after Wednesday's shocker, but I just can't seem to get my mind to work properly today. And I have to get a grip: I have a slight hunch that falling apart isn't an excuse for missing Microsoft deadlines. That's where I'm at today: Falling apart. Or close to it.
I'm not normally one for crying my eyes out, but today I can't seem to stop. I just don't get it. I don't understand what I did wrong. Or why he didn't say anything before, when we were making plans for the summer together, but acted as if everything was fine and then coldly threw it in my face (without looking me in the eyes): It's over, it doesn't feel right, it doesn't click. Why couldn't he say so before we made plans? I don't understand! Also, it seems like he's getting a lot of sympathy, when he's the one who dumped me. How unfair is that?
Life really feels effingly unfair and I just can't seem to pull myself out of the dark right now. I don't want to wallow in misery and feel sorry for myself, but this time, I have no luck with my usual solutions in being hard on myself and telling myself to get a grip, stop being such a pathetic little whine, and get on with my life. They don't work today.
As long as I keep busy, I can hold myself together. Friday was insanely busy; breakfast at the make up studio while getting ready for the big booking (5 make up artists, close to 50 clients who were booked for big party make ups), doing make ups non-stop from 12:30 to almost 6pm, getting everything packed up and back to the studio, a quick change of clothes there and then dash of to Hard Rock Café for bowling and dinner with my sisters and sisters-in-law (late birthday present). Yesterday was filled with a sort of hen party for one of my best friends - brunch at 10, chocolate sampling, silversmithery (?) and dinner. I got back home around 1am, so there wasn't really any time to stop and feel then, either. And I am phenomenal at keeping my guards up and my mask on; to bring out that social and positive part of me. But last night, I could feel the darkness closing in on me again. And today... No. I don't want today.
I don't want to talk about it; I don't know how to handle friends' pity - am I really worth their sympathy? perhaps I'm just pathetic and should be able to cope with the rejection of being dumped? - and besides, I don't want anyone to see me this devastated. (Of course, if I would see anyone, the mask would go on.) At the same time, I don't want to be lonely. Or do I? Argh, I don't know anything! I don't want to be distracted, I don't want to talk about it and share my pain; I just want to forget. Or that it wasn't real. What if it were just a bad dream and I could wake up again and everything was fine. What if I could wake up and be whole again. Because I feel broken.
This wasn't the big love that forever changes me to the core, so why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel broken? Because I was a fool to trust him? Because I let myself believe that just because everything seemed and felt good, it was good? Because I was stupid enough to think that I would be enough, that I'd be good enough? I don't mean to be utterly pathetic or to beg for reassurance, it's just rethorical questions; the questions that keep repeating in my mind. Until I get an explanation, I can't help thinking that it must've been something I did, or something I didn't do.
Broken girl, lost in the shadows...
I'm not normally one for crying my eyes out, but today I can't seem to stop. I just don't get it. I don't understand what I did wrong. Or why he didn't say anything before, when we were making plans for the summer together, but acted as if everything was fine and then coldly threw it in my face (without looking me in the eyes): It's over, it doesn't feel right, it doesn't click. Why couldn't he say so before we made plans? I don't understand! Also, it seems like he's getting a lot of sympathy, when he's the one who dumped me. How unfair is that?
Life really feels effingly unfair and I just can't seem to pull myself out of the dark right now. I don't want to wallow in misery and feel sorry for myself, but this time, I have no luck with my usual solutions in being hard on myself and telling myself to get a grip, stop being such a pathetic little whine, and get on with my life. They don't work today.
As long as I keep busy, I can hold myself together. Friday was insanely busy; breakfast at the make up studio while getting ready for the big booking (5 make up artists, close to 50 clients who were booked for big party make ups), doing make ups non-stop from 12:30 to almost 6pm, getting everything packed up and back to the studio, a quick change of clothes there and then dash of to Hard Rock Café for bowling and dinner with my sisters and sisters-in-law (late birthday present). Yesterday was filled with a sort of hen party for one of my best friends - brunch at 10, chocolate sampling, silversmithery (?) and dinner. I got back home around 1am, so there wasn't really any time to stop and feel then, either. And I am phenomenal at keeping my guards up and my mask on; to bring out that social and positive part of me. But last night, I could feel the darkness closing in on me again. And today... No. I don't want today.
I don't want to talk about it; I don't know how to handle friends' pity - am I really worth their sympathy? perhaps I'm just pathetic and should be able to cope with the rejection of being dumped? - and besides, I don't want anyone to see me this devastated. (Of course, if I would see anyone, the mask would go on.) At the same time, I don't want to be lonely. Or do I? Argh, I don't know anything! I don't want to be distracted, I don't want to talk about it and share my pain; I just want to forget. Or that it wasn't real. What if it were just a bad dream and I could wake up again and everything was fine. What if I could wake up and be whole again. Because I feel broken.
This wasn't the big love that forever changes me to the core, so why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel broken? Because I was a fool to trust him? Because I let myself believe that just because everything seemed and felt good, it was good? Because I was stupid enough to think that I would be enough, that I'd be good enough? I don't mean to be utterly pathetic or to beg for reassurance, it's just rethorical questions; the questions that keep repeating in my mind. Until I get an explanation, I can't help thinking that it must've been something I did, or something I didn't do.
Broken girl, lost in the shadows...
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
Sweet oblivion
I'm tired, feel like I have no energy to interact even with my friends. Maybe that's because several of my friends have needed my energy lately and I have been an attentive ear, a sympathetic friend who listens and questions and dares to go deeper into the real issues. Apprecieted most of the time, but not very rewarding for me. I get no kicks from gratitude, and I don't feel all warm and fuzzy when I can help someone sort their shit out. I just feel more like a mentor than a friend and am so longing for my peers, my equals, my older sisters with their wisdom and experience. Am sick and tired of being the voice of reason, the wise friend who people come to for some unloading. It's gotten to the point when I almost don't want to talk to them at all, I want everyone to back off instead of asking me for anything at all, even to listen to their positive stuff. Because I just really don't want to care; caring takes too much energy. I'm a natural carer, I have almost limitless energy, love and attention for friends, but there is a limit and I'm close to it.
Right now, I choose to close my close relationships as the friends who were close have been too needy and unable to understand my dynamics, and I just can't be bothered to let them in. I choose to close parts of myself off to anyone who comes asking for anything - even for positive things - as I don't want to give anymore. For some it may come as a relief when a friend asks how they are doing; for me it doesn't work if said friend has just unloaded a lot of stuff. I don't volunteer information. I hardly ever do, and when I do it's only to a very select few. It has something to do with trust, but more with energy. It also has a lot to do with the dynamics of any relationship and the fact that I prefer to unload for a therapist than a friend. I talk to my T rather than to friends even though I don't always let her in on the entire picture either.
I'm way, way more open to friends, have more people who get to be there more for me and whom I can ask for support - when I choose to - and I'm way more open and honest with my T too, but I need for her to push me. I wouldn't lie to her, but I don't volunteer anything and I'm a champion at hiding stuff. If I don't want you to know, you never ever will. Unless you're a bloody great intuitive.
I'm seeing my T today, after three weeks of holiday, and where I felt last week that I had so much to talk to her about, today I feel like I don't know what to say. I feel blah, bland, cut off, blank, numb. My mood is the mental equivalent of a shrug. I'm sort of positive, or at least not depressed (right now), could easily access that happy, smily part of me and still be genuine. But I don't see why I should. I'm not interested in spilling my guts out to friends, but am not sure how well I can put it into words and tell my T. I think it's time to see her less regularly, forthnightly instead of weekly, and I really don't know what I may need to go into with her at the moment. Perhaps that's because I'm too cut off emotionally, perhaps because it's a blind spot that she can see but I can't.
I mean, I don't really have any huge issues anymore, I don't starve or purge or cut, I'm not in a messy relationship (or any relationship), I've managed to say No to friends when I don't want to give anymore... I'm coping. She can't change my life, she can't get the work/money to roll in, she can't get me hooked up with D or anyone else, she can't change me or the people around me. But she can help me get a perspective, she can ask the right questions, she can question and mirror me - and she knows me better than anyone.
I do long for the sweet oblivion of anorexia, the mad focus, the tunnel vision, the situation that nothing else matters as long as I lose weight. I really do long for it, for the drama, for an escape from this drab reality. But I know I can't go back.
Right now, I choose to close my close relationships as the friends who were close have been too needy and unable to understand my dynamics, and I just can't be bothered to let them in. I choose to close parts of myself off to anyone who comes asking for anything - even for positive things - as I don't want to give anymore. For some it may come as a relief when a friend asks how they are doing; for me it doesn't work if said friend has just unloaded a lot of stuff. I don't volunteer information. I hardly ever do, and when I do it's only to a very select few. It has something to do with trust, but more with energy. It also has a lot to do with the dynamics of any relationship and the fact that I prefer to unload for a therapist than a friend. I talk to my T rather than to friends even though I don't always let her in on the entire picture either.
I'm way, way more open to friends, have more people who get to be there more for me and whom I can ask for support - when I choose to - and I'm way more open and honest with my T too, but I need for her to push me. I wouldn't lie to her, but I don't volunteer anything and I'm a champion at hiding stuff. If I don't want you to know, you never ever will. Unless you're a bloody great intuitive.
I'm seeing my T today, after three weeks of holiday, and where I felt last week that I had so much to talk to her about, today I feel like I don't know what to say. I feel blah, bland, cut off, blank, numb. My mood is the mental equivalent of a shrug. I'm sort of positive, or at least not depressed (right now), could easily access that happy, smily part of me and still be genuine. But I don't see why I should. I'm not interested in spilling my guts out to friends, but am not sure how well I can put it into words and tell my T. I think it's time to see her less regularly, forthnightly instead of weekly, and I really don't know what I may need to go into with her at the moment. Perhaps that's because I'm too cut off emotionally, perhaps because it's a blind spot that she can see but I can't.
I mean, I don't really have any huge issues anymore, I don't starve or purge or cut, I'm not in a messy relationship (or any relationship), I've managed to say No to friends when I don't want to give anymore... I'm coping. She can't change my life, she can't get the work/money to roll in, she can't get me hooked up with D or anyone else, she can't change me or the people around me. But she can help me get a perspective, she can ask the right questions, she can question and mirror me - and she knows me better than anyone.
I do long for the sweet oblivion of anorexia, the mad focus, the tunnel vision, the situation that nothing else matters as long as I lose weight. I really do long for it, for the drama, for an escape from this drab reality. But I know I can't go back.
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