Handle with care

Some days I feel like I should be wearing a "Handle with care" sign. Not because I might explode, but because I  feel really fragile and vulnerable and wish people could be more gentle with me. As a rule, they aren't.

I guess it's partly my fault for being there, listening, taking on a lot without complaining or setting boundaries for when I've had enough; but it can't be all my responsibility, can it? Perhaps I choose to surround myself with people who, well, don't think about that I might be breakable, too, underneath that apparently strong exterior. Or who don't hear me saying that I am. Sometimes, I just wonder when I became the one people tend to dump their problems, their frustrations, their bad moods on. Time and time again, I seem to get stuff thrown at me that I haven't asked for. OK, so I am often willing to lend a listening ear and some support, but that doesn't mean I want to have it thrown at me all the time. Why can't people stop and think, just for a split second, before tossing their problems in someone else's lap or throwing their bad mood in someone's face? Why can't they just be a little bit more gentle?

I've had some pretty rough weeks, with a cold that just won't go away and energy levels that have plummeted. Still, I've tried to give and be there, because that's what I do. That's who I am. When I suddenly realised that I feel completely drained, empty, with nothing left to give, I didn't know how to recharge those batteries, how to fill myself again. I slow down for a day or two, but then I'm right there again, ready to care, to help, to be there. Like I said, because that's who I am. But then I felt like I crashed and just cried and cried. And still, I couldn't prevent myself from feeling other people's anxiety, or sadness, or worries, or you-name-it. And be there. Voluntarily. Until I realised that it was becoming a one-way giving. Suddenly, I felt like I'm constantly giving and not getting anything back. Apart from other people's problems, frustrations, bad moods. It got to the point when I actually stopped caring for people around me, and isolated myself, because I just can't take any more. I can't keep caring about them when they apparently just don't give a f*** about me. Because when I isolate, the phone goes silent.

I though I was getting better, stronger, again, that my energy was coming back. I could smile again, I could laugh again, I didn't start crying when I dropped something. And then, there it is again. I'm the dumping-ground for someone's bad temper and frustration. Who then moves on without thinking about it. Gee, thanks. That, and a bad night's lack of enough sleep, and losing a job assignment, changed this day. I started out calm, happy, positive. Now I feel like I'm again reduced to a blubbering puddle of tears with no energy whatsoever. So bloody tiring!

So please: Handle with care.