The days are rapidly growing shorter, and every night I am surprised at how early darkness falls. I'm still wondering what happened to summer, where did it go? How could three months go by so fast – June, July, August; all gone, in the blink of an eye. It's been a somewhat overwhelming summer, but I have this feeling that I've wasted it, because I can't see that I've really moved ahead. But maybe it hasn't been a time for moving ahead; or maybe the move ahead isn't something that can be measured yet. I know that things have changed, that I have changed, that my path is becoming clearer as the calling grows stronger and I respond to it; but it's actually with a sense of loss I look back at this summer. I feel that my calling, my path, my destiny, takes me away from the people I love, creates a distance between me and others. And I'm not sure how to bridge that gap.
It's like something has changed so much that I still can't see how much, and definitely haven't got my bearings right yet; and whether that is in me, or in my friends as well, I don't know. But I honestly preferred when things weren't this complicated, when I didn't feel so out of place and removed. I don't even have the words to describe it, even if I could talk to someone, which I'm not sure I can. More than anything, this transformation, so far, makes me feel immensely lonely. I hope that will change. Because I don't want to be alone any more. I want my path to bring me closer to the people I love, not further away from them.
I still, somewhere, have that same feeling that my time may be coming that I wrote about last month, but at the moment it feels dominated by an overwhelming feeling of being completely drained, empty. Quite depressed, really. I hope that as we move into autumn, I will get more energy again; more energy to be creative, to figure out what I want to do next in order to dream, create, and manifest my future. And to figure out how to make things less complicated, and find a solution to what seems to be the biggest lesson right now: how to not give so much of myself that there is nothing left for me, and how to learn to ask for what I need. It seems I have to make myself clearer on that point. Honestly, I feel like I (once again) focused so much on giving that I not only drained myself but also forgot what I need, or how to ask for it. Seems I have some work cut out before me.
But today is a beautiful autumn day, the sky clear blue, and the leaves still green. Where are the autumn leaves? So far, I've found one maple tree with gorgeous red leaves, but that's about it. I even saw a blooming dandelion the other day. But there is a definite autumnal bite in the wind, and the wheel is turning…
Here's to beautiful autumn days and stormy autumn nights!
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