Darling Sister

Darling Sister,
How did you become so wise?

With you, it's so easy to be myself
You expect nothing else
Not more
Not less
You don't judge, you don't scowl
You accept
You empower me
You support me
At times at a distance, other times here and now

Our paths have met and parted and met again
Together since before the dawn of time
Then separated, each on her path
Alone we have learned about Life
Alone we have grown in strength
So, too, this time
But we met again

You understand more than I can explain
You hear the things I don't say
See the things I don't reveal
You do what I do: You feel it
And day by day you teach me
To trust my emotions and my intuition
Like you can trust yours

You make it easy to speak the hardest things
I always feel that I say too much
That I am being too open
But you can take it and stand still
You listen
You reply
You say the things I need to hear but would rather not listen to
You hold me without carrying me

With you, I am stronger because I can be weak
With you, I can be vulnerable
With you, I dare to love and show my love, as you love the way I do
Love that is unconditional, pure, free, and crystal clear
With you I more and more grow into Me
Because you are always You

And I love you for it
♥

Because I give a damn

I stumbled on the videos for the We Give A Damn campaign. The videos feature wellknown singers, actors, actresses... well, see for yourselves:





Having been more or less openly bisexual since my mid-teens, and openly lesbian since almost a year back – although I might for some reasons more aptly call myself queer, but that's for another post – LGBT rights and true equality lie very close to my heart, privately as well as politically.

I'm sad that at this day and age, in the 21st century, people are still being persecuted, fired, discriminated against, abused, condemned, beaten, and murdered for their sexual orientation. Hate crimes are still a fact. A group of people, our sisters and brothers, are denied the rights many people take for granted – the rights to marry, have children, live with their partner in peace and acceptance – just for who we love. If we are ever to achieve equality, this must change.

Equality matters. Who I love shouldn't matter. I give a damn. Do you?

Learning to love yourself

I stumbled onto Louise L. Hay's Amazon.com page, like I sometimes do, and my eyes were caught by a book I've seen before; the Love Yourself, Heal Your Life Workbook. Looking in it makes me sad. I realise that loving myself still doesn't come easy. Or even naturally. It's one of the things that seem to move in spirals - when I think I have learned to love and accept myself, something happens that challenges that self love. The journey deepens, the path winds ever closer to the centre of my being; to the most deeply wounded places. It is only natural, but it's painful, and it's sad to learn how I still struggle with such a simple thing: self-love, self-acceptance.

Some people seem to just love themselves; it seems to simple for them, so natural. I envy them. I didn't grow up feeling unconditional love - it may have been there, but I always felt that there were conditions that had to be met - and I have never felt unconditional love for myself, nor been able to understand how anyone else could love me unconditionally. When I love, I love unconditionally and freely - it doesn't mean I do everything right by the people I love or that I am able to always let that love guide me - but I apparently still don't believe that the same thing could be extended to me.

Reading Louise L. Hay's foreword to Love Yourself... I feel sad. I want to love myself, I want to accept myself in a way that means I won't lash out from a place of frustration and pain, I want to heal myself with love. And I can't believe how hard it is, or how I don't really know how to learn to love myself. I thought I had come so far, and yet, here I am.

Our subconscious mind accepts whatever we choose to believe. The Universal Power never judges or criticizes us. It only accepts us at our own value. If you accept a limiting belief, then it will become the truth for you. If you believe that you’re too short, too fat, too thin, too tall, too smart, not smart enough, too rich, too poor, or incapable of forming relationships, then those beliefs will become true for you.

I want to believe that I am beautiful and smart, and that I am lovable and worth loving - but when I feel that I can't or don't know how to do it, I limit myself. I do. I am aware of that. Have you any idea of how frustrating it is to be aware of the "wrong" thought and still not be able to shake it off? When I try to change it, there is always the doubt that maybe I'm just fooling myself with the affirmations. What if? What if I am, in fact, not beautiful, or smart, or lovable? Am I only deluding myself? That what if is something I haven't yet understood how to bypass.

Remember that we’re dealing with thoughts, and thoughts can be changed. We have unlimited choices about what we can think, and the point of power is always in the present moment.

This I know, and I hope to figure out how. It's time for another round of self-worth work. Yes, I ordered the book, and a number of others, and will give them a serious try when I get them. And in the meantime really try to break the negative thought patterns and drown the negative voices. Every thought I think creates my future.

The greatest love of all

Is easy to achieve

Learning to love yourself

It is the greatest love of all

~Greatest Love of All, Whitney Houston

Note: The beautiful picture above isn't mine, and no copyright infringement is intended. You can find this, and several other amazing, affirming and empowering art pieces in Patricia Omoqui's store.

If you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

~Mother Theresa

Love breaks the boundaries to our heart and frees the pain inside. It is not an easy thing to experience, or suffer, love. To walk through the pain of loving, openly and freely, without limitations or preconceived notions of what it is to love, what love will give in return; that is no easy task. And it is no easy journey.

It seems to be a lesson of this life for me; love. Or lessons of one life after the other that are coming together into a healing process. I am slowly becoming aware of how complicated it is, and of how much pain that flows through me as I slowly venture deeper and deeper into my Self with love. It is the journey of the wounded healer, the wounded lover, and it is painful to the point of being unbearable. Because in that pain and confusion, as the love I feel and walk with picks at wounds in order to heal them, I lose myself; I lose control, and I end up hurting others. It is not a pain I want to inflict on anyone, and yet I do. I'm not a victim here, but the offender, who hurts people who get too close, who may even show me true friendship. I reward it with pain, with primitive gut reactions of doing unto them what has been done to me. And I wish I knew why. I don't yet. But reading Mother Theresa's quote touched something, a string, a nerve, and seeing how I instantly connected it to some things and patterns, I guess that it is true. There is a connection.

I've vowed Goddess, the Lady of Avalon, to live life loving and to let Her love shine through me. I do my very best to speak only love, to act from a place of love, but as the journey deepens and gets darker and more painful, it actually gets harder. Does that mean I am going into the wounded places; the places that need healing the most? And the lesson to learn is what? To maintain my Self and stay in a place of love even when it gets hard?

I feel rage bubbling up, I feel like I'm shaking in my fetters and when I break free I may lash out and hurt people; I feel egotism, ruthlessness, and such anger in the pain. And if I can't rein them in, I feel like I might just as well isolate myself; distance myself from the people who may care and get too close. I didn't choose to be born with the wounds I have; I didn't choose my past lives, all the things that are coming together, the seemingly endless line of wounds of love, wounds against love. If this pain is something I've felt before, I'm not surprised that I'm finding it so hard to fall in love. I love, but I don't fall in love. Way too risky. That way pain lies. And yes, I am aware that the only road to healing and to finding that true love; to entering that place in me that is only love, goes through the pained and wounded places. The challenge lies in doing it while remaining in a state of love. Probably more than anything, love and acceptance of myself. But I am not who I want to be; I don't act the way I want to do. There are things in me that make me do something other than what I wish I did; something makes me react in ways I didn't expect. And I want to change that, to be who I want to be. But how? Is the answer to ground myself in love? To accept myself in spite of all my flaws and mistakes so that I can ground myself in love? Let me tell you: not easy.

Whenever I think I've gotten somewhere, that I can love and accept myself the way I am, something happens that triggers doubt and brings up another wound to be healed. I am once again thrown into the cauldron. And it's getting tired; I am getting tired. For every step of the journey brings me deeper, and the deeper wounds are the most painful. Otherwise, why would I have buried them so deeply?

When will I have loved so deeply that there is no more pain; only love?

Caer Sidi

This is not the dark cave any more

Although it is still dark, the walls shimmer with crystals

This is Caer Sidi, the place of spiralling

The interdimensional crossroads

Where all ends meet and part and meet again

Dark Lady, you bring me here, bring me ever deeper

Spiralling outside of time and space

Going deeper and yet higher

Into the very centre

If I could see you, Lady, I might kneel before you and ask what you want from me

But I can't, and you are not in front of me, but behind me

Watching my back in the dark as I, stumbling, find my way forward

Passing through chambers from memory and halls of future dreams

You remind me that I only ever have to reach out, and You are there

Walking through long-lost memories I open old wounds to heal

and although I feel lost and alone in the dark again

This is the place where everything comes together

And I will walk from the darkness of the lowest dungeon into Danu's crystal cave

The place of Dreaming, where I can rest in the Stillness before rebirth

And Dream the future into being

Dream Love

In the spiralling castle, outside of space and time

Dream meets reality, and I walk through the corridors of sleep

I will hail Rhiannon as I near Her presence

And find myself once more in Her deep red Hall

In the darkness I search not for the light of day, but for the light of Love

My torch, my beacon

This is the way to the Mirroring, when I open my eyes and find the Soul Mate

When I open my heart again

© Lisa Isaksson, December 12, 2009

This crazy little thing called love

This is an intense period for you when it comes to emotions and romance, Capricorn, and you will learn a lot about yourself during this time. Whether you are single or attached, you are going to find that your emotional responses to romantic situations are much deeper than even you expected them to be. These emotions are on the positive side for you, and you are experiencing a need to share, receive, and give love wherever an opportunity may exist. If there are areas that need improvement in love, you will find these issues surface easily during this period, and this will allow you to bring the issues out into the open and let them go with your natural grace and charm

Love horoscope for December 6 on Facebook. And strangely accurate. OK, uncannily accurate.

There's a whole Rhiannon journey under way; a mirroring across the Wheel and mirroring in so many ways that I'm almost blown away and not sure what to make of it. I've known for a time that there is a major shift under way, but whether that's a shift of consciousness or an emotional shift, I do not know. Yet. Probably both.

The red kundalini serpent is stirring restlessly, the red flame of passion rekindled. I am feeling things I haven't felt for a long time and am thoroughly confused.

It is a very intense time, so far emotionally, but riding with Rhiannon, I hope that romance may be on its way. And I am learning heaps about myself, opening up, getting stronger, deepening, glowing. My emotions suddenly go so much deeper than ever before that some blockages must surely have been cleared, new gates into the very depth of my being opened. It's mindblowing.

I've shifted from not knowing anything, not knowing whether to trust my emotions, to just going with the flow, following my emotions as they will become clear to me, bit by bit. There's a lot of fear and self-doubt in the way, but I know that I can trust my instincts - if I dare do it. So why not give it a try? Trust what I'm feeling here, now, but letting things work in their own time. I don't have to know what I feel, I have no decisions to make, no-one's given me any hard questions to answer. I can go with the flow and let it take its course.

At times I feel ready to burst with love, to have my overflowing heart explode into a million little hearts that fly across the world, and I know this feeling. I've felt it before, with Goddess. This is what I felt holding the Lover Goddess. But this time, she is a part of me. I'm letting Her love shine through me as best I can. And I pray that in doing so, I may find it for myself. That She will hold up a mirror and reflect it back at me.

In the meantime, I am stepping over the wall of fear and doubt and dreaming. If I listen to my intuition, I have a very good feeling about things. There is something I want, and I will dream about it, manifest it and live the dream. What else can I do? The only way to turn dream into reality is by living it. And I will. I do.

Strangely holey

Can you deny a hole so hard that it goes away? Or will it always be there, underneath the denial, until you find a way to fill it?

However hard I try to escape the black holes in my mind, the darkness, the emptiness, I only manage so far. It's not an escape in the sense of thinking I can get away from it; more a temporary escape from the feelings while waiting for the light to return. But there is more to it than the darkness of depression. That doesn't account for the emptiness and the hole inside. Only partially.

I keep thinking that if I fake being whole, act as if I were, fill my life with things that make me feel alive, I will be whole. "Fake it 'til you make it," right?
I keep thinking that if I can deny the hole, I won't fall into it, and perhaps not even notice it. But can I make it go away by ignoring it? By trying to fill it with other things - things that are meaningful and fill my life with light and joy - but that still aren't what is missing? The hole is after something that's gone missing, and it doesn't seem like I can fill it with just anything. Or anyone.

I have something in my life that is so important that no matter how bad I feel, I know it makes me feel alive, well, happy. For a time, at least. It's dance. As essential as breathing, but the effect doesn't stay for too long. Is it a life-force or a drug; is it part of my being, the very essence of my Self, something that I do because I am alive, or is it something that makes me feel alive by replacing or numbing something else? It can be like a drug in the sense of the dance high, the endorphin rush, the adrenaline rush, but in the best sense possible. Not to mention harmless. It is fire, it is passion, it is creativity - the complete opposites of darkness and depression.
But it's not enough to heal me, or my life.

When I immerse myself in dance, work, social life, TV, movies, and more than anything else the Twilight Saga, I almost forget about the emptiness, the loneliness, the hole in my heart. I can laugh, I can interact, I can be happy, I can seem normal, insofar as I ever am. I am good great at keeping up pretences, and even better because the happy face is true. Even when it's not the happy face, I have a polite mask that is almost free from cracks apart from for those who know what to look for, or those who get to catch a glimpse of what's behind the mask. The polite mask is the one I don't really know how to put aside, as it's grown to me. And people believe it. People in general like to believe the lie, the camouflage, the pretences; it is easier that way.

But when I'm alone again, when the movie's over, the final page of the book turned, when I get weary of endlessly flicking through the channels, when the dance is over and there is nothing and no-one to occupy my mind with, I am still holey. Sometimes, the pain is so strong that I have to remind myself to breathe and all I can do is hold myself together. I know it will pass. Outside of the clutter and distractions of life, I feel lost, invisible, empty and very lonely. And I fear that I have forgotten how to open my heart and life and let someone else in.

Because, of course that's what it's all about: Love. I hold so much love inside that I sometimes feel like I could burst into flames or explode in a myriad of tiny hearts. But there is nowhere to channel it; no-one to share it with. The give-and-take of shared love, of giving and receiving love, of being loved... that's missing in my life. And has been for a long, long time.

And it is a missing piece, a hole in my heart that is waiting to be filled, and that can't be filled with anything else. It will not make me whole, people and life are far more complicated than that, but it is a missing piece that doesn't go away just because I ignore it. At times I am more successful at denial, but not at the moment. For some reason, I keep coming back to it, which probably means that there is something to learn, to prepare, to change - to open myself for. Could this be what I've felt/seen - is it finally time soon?

At the moment, I feel probably as far from relationships and dating as I ever have, and romantically it is dark. The darkest night, the new moon. But it is in the darkest night that light is reborn. Or in the darkness of the eclipse, the split second before light returns. So maybe it's time to bring out the shades and open my heart again. In spite of my fears, I pray that I will keep the doors of my heart open.

It's about identity, not sex

I was watching an oldish Oprah episode about sexual fluidity yesterday, and one guest said something really interesting. It was about being gay is not primarily about sex, but about identity. I agree.

I mean, I've had a good sex life with men, but in the past few years I've grown more and more frustrated over the fact that it always seems lacking, incomplete, unsatisfying. The sex can be good, the men can think that it is fantastic, but I just feel empty, like there's something missing. And, well, of course it is. If you're not really into men it doesn't matter how good the sex is; there will always be something missing.

Heterosexual has never been part of my identity but with time, bisexual felt more and more like an ill-fitting suit. Sure, I can have sex with men and women, but who can't? Sex is the easy bit. Realising that emotionally I prefer women, that I am attracted to women and not men, and finally acknowledging that felt like meant was a like throwing that old suit aside and being free.

Nothing much has changed, apart from that inner identity. Like I've shed another layer of skin. It seems to be a step-by-step journey; as a new truth about me dawns, I have to re-evaluate who I am and what I want and shed that old part of me. It's not about constantly changing, but about transforming into something truer, closer to the core of me.

Of course sex is a part of it. Sex is a part of most things. But to me, being gay is more about identity than about sex. It is about being true to myself.

Irrational feelings or not?

So I found out earlier this week that my latest X, who dumped me without a reason I could understand (and apparently just as surprisingly to the number of friends who have asked me why, since they didn't understand), is now in a relationship again. It bugs me, and I'm not sure why. I don't like not knowing why.

This X was someone I liked being with - or rather liked having fun with - but never the big love. Actually, not love at all. So from that perspective it was no surprise that it didn't last, and it served the important purpose of opening my eyes for the fact that I don't really fancy men at all; ie that I can stop kidding myself that I'm bisexual.
I'm not saying "good riddance", like some friends did, because he's a good guy and a really good Dom, but just nothing more than that for me. And still... being dumped hurt like hell, and I'd rather be the one to move on first, after any relationship. Which I never am.

I'm trying to figure out why I'm feeling this conflicted - I don't want him but I don't want him to want anyone else, sort of thing - and so far, I've come up with this:

Being dumped hurts because it immediately takes me back into once again being rejected, found not good enough, not lovable. (I know that's probably not how it is in reality, but that's how it feels, and feelings are never true or untrue, good or bad, they just are.) Will I never fall in love? Will I never be loved? Am I unlovable? So far, all evidence unfortunately seems to point in that direction, so there's really no surprise the thought springs to mind.
I think I am lovable; I know I am. Or should be, for the right person(s). So maybe I just haven't met that Big Love, who will love me and whom I'll love back. But inside of me, there is still that little vulnerable girl who's never been loved, who still doubts that she is good enough since no-one seems to really want her or love her. And she hurts like hell every time she's rejected.

I also suppose I have this desire that any man who's been in a relationship with me, and who dumps me, shall never be able to appreciate another woman in the same way. I know, it is childish and foolish and perhaps a bit possessive, but I think that it's also quite a common reaction. If they've liked me, and been allowed to enjoy me, of course I don't take too kindly to being discarded like an old pair of boots. May their testicles shrivel up and rot, may their physical fun give them no more pleasure sort of thing. No, there's no curse involved, just a bit of a woman scorned. And it usually passes after a while. But I really do think that he should never desire another woman like he desired me, and never be able to enjoy physical pleasures in the same way. Which is of course exactly the truth, because it is never the same with anyone else.

I wish my Xes the best of luck and I want them to be happy - but I want to be happy too! And to know that they move on and are (hopefully) happy only highlights the fact that I'm single, rejected, scorned and not happy about it.

Better

Better today.
Not as devastated; more dejected. But I'm trying to bury my thoughts in translation and Microsoft terminology (and silly quizzes on Facebook) to escape feeling and thinking too much. And because I simply have to. I have a deadline tomorrow and am determined to meet it, because I have to get started with the second part of L.E. Modesitt Jr's The Magic Engineer.

Unfortunately it looks like I'm going to miss the extra drilling class for Callisto tonight :( I was really looking forward to some Bellydance Bootcamp, to dance away all the negative energy from this last week, but alas! Work has to come first. Seeing that the summer courses start in two weeks, I think I'll have my fill of hard training.

I miss him. I miss falling asleep with him, having breakfast together, laughing together. I miss him.

Broken girl, lost in the shadows...

Bad day. I really need to work; I'm massively behind after spending Monday with book-keeping and my tax returns, and after Wednesday's shocker, but I just can't seem to get my mind to work properly today. And I have to get a grip: I have a slight hunch that falling apart isn't an excuse for missing Microsoft deadlines. That's where I'm at today: Falling apart. Or close to it.

I'm not normally one for crying my eyes out, but today I can't seem to stop. I just don't get it. I don't understand what I did wrong. Or why he didn't say anything before, when we were making plans for the summer together, but acted as if everything was fine and then coldly threw it in my face (without looking me in the eyes): It's over, it doesn't feel right, it doesn't click. Why couldn't he say so before we made plans? I don't understand! Also, it seems like he's getting a lot of sympathy, when he's the one who dumped me. How unfair is that?

Life really feels effingly unfair and I just can't seem to pull myself out of the dark right now. I don't want to wallow in misery and feel sorry for myself, but this time, I have no luck with my usual solutions in being hard on myself and telling myself to get a grip, stop being such a pathetic little whine, and get on with my life. They don't work today.

As long as I keep busy, I can hold myself together. Friday was insanely busy; breakfast at the make up studio while getting ready for the big booking (5 make up artists, close to 50 clients who were booked for big party make ups), doing make ups non-stop from 12:30 to almost 6pm, getting everything packed up and back to the studio, a quick change of clothes there and then dash of to Hard Rock Café for bowling and dinner with my sisters and sisters-in-law (late birthday present). Yesterday was filled with a sort of hen party for one of my best friends - brunch at 10, chocolate sampling, silversmithery (?) and dinner. I got back home around 1am, so there wasn't really any time to stop and feel then, either. And I am phenomenal at keeping my guards up and my mask on; to bring out that social and positive part of me. But last night, I could feel the darkness closing in on me again. And today... No. I don't want today.

I don't want to talk about it; I don't know how to handle friends' pity - am I really worth their sympathy? perhaps I'm just pathetic and should be able to cope with the rejection of being dumped? - and besides, I don't want anyone to see me this devastated. (Of course, if I would see anyone, the mask would go on.) At the same time, I don't want to be lonely. Or do I? Argh, I don't know anything! I don't want to be distracted, I don't want to talk about it and share my pain; I just want to forget. Or that it wasn't real. What if it were just a bad dream and I could wake up again and everything was fine. What if I could wake up and be whole again. Because I feel broken.
This wasn't the big love that forever changes me to the core, so why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel broken? Because I was a fool to trust him? Because I let myself believe that just because everything seemed and felt good, it was good? Because I was stupid enough to think that I would be enough, that I'd be good enough? I don't mean to be utterly pathetic or to beg for reassurance, it's just rethorical questions; the questions that keep repeating in my mind. Until I get an explanation, I can't help thinking that it must've been something I did, or something I didn't do.

Broken girl, lost in the shadows...

17 going on 35

17 going on 35 - that's how I feel; a grown-up teenage. Older on the outside than on the inside, almost growing younger as I age. Young and old at the same time, a young adult with an ancient soul.
I know I am an old soul, that I (partly) chose to come back to this life to learn to just live. To learn to love, break down the barriers to my heart and finally be healed, thorougly and completely. I pray that I will find that love, that I will allow myself to be loved in the same way that I love - unconditionally, in deep colour.

It feels funny, this teenager thing. Like I'm finally waiting for that big first love, the all-encompassing love, passionate, consuming, the one that will change my emotional makeup forever. I feel like I'm waiting to experience love as reborn, as the person I've turned into. To turn a new leaf, break through the chrysalis and spread my wings like a butterfly.

I long to be recklessly, hopelessly infatuated, to feel my heart flutter at the thought of him, to feel my stomach full of butterflies, to feel my knees buckle when he brushes my hair aside and kisses that soft spot on my throat just below the ear.

I want him to make me go crazy with desire, waves of passion rippling through our bodies, our hearts beating in unison. Forever young at heart.