Mad about the boy

Photos from http://everglowmedia.net but rights belonging to Summit Entertainment

Mad about the boy
I know it's stupid to be mad about the boy
I'm so ashamed of it but must admit the sleepless nights I've had
About the boy

On the silverscreen
He melts my foolish heart in every single scene
Although I'm quite aware that here and there are traces of the cad
About the boy

Lord knows I'm not a fool girl
I really shouldn't care
Lord knows I'm not a school girl
In the flurry of her first affair

Will it ever cloy
This odd diversity of misery and joy
I'm feeling quite insane and young again
And all because I'm mad about the boy

So if I could employ
A little magic that will finally destroy
This dream that pains me and enchains me
But I can't because I'm mad...
I'm mad about the boy

Lyrics: Noel Coward

I admit it: I am mad about the boy.


My dear circle Sister Elle posted the picture to the right on Facebook and, well, I was floored. The more I look at it, the more it draws me in. And it's not even like I think Rob Pattinson's that goodlooking. So "the boy" is of course Rob-as-Edward. And I am crazy about him in a totally inexplicable way.

As far as men go, in general, I don't prefer them, but who can resist a beautiful man? Beauty is beauty, and a thing of beauty is a joy forever. What I find beautiful in a man is usually features that belong to the younger, perhaps slightly androgynous-looking men. Not quite the manly-man, the macho guy corrupted by circumstance and expectation, but not quite a boy either. Gorgeous, divinely beautiful boy-men. Not necessarily the obvious alpha male, but with a strong energy.


As I young girl, I didn't particularly notice the beauty in the young men around me, but now - at the ripe old age of 35 - I do. And it's really quite a non-sexual thing. It's more... aesthetic.

When I think of the words "mad about the boy", I think of the movie/musical Sunset Boulevard, where old movie star Norma Desmond gives her toy-boy, the young hack Joe Gillis, a bracelet with that very inscription, but I was sure I'd heard the words somewhere else, perhaps in a song.

And yes, I had. It's an old Noel Coward song (Dinah Washington's version is great), and as for the lyrics - could they be more accurate?


I'm mad about the boy

Irrational feelings or not?

So I found out earlier this week that my latest X, who dumped me without a reason I could understand (and apparently just as surprisingly to the number of friends who have asked me why, since they didn't understand), is now in a relationship again. It bugs me, and I'm not sure why. I don't like not knowing why.

This X was someone I liked being with - or rather liked having fun with - but never the big love. Actually, not love at all. So from that perspective it was no surprise that it didn't last, and it served the important purpose of opening my eyes for the fact that I don't really fancy men at all; ie that I can stop kidding myself that I'm bisexual.
I'm not saying "good riddance", like some friends did, because he's a good guy and a really good Dom, but just nothing more than that for me. And still... being dumped hurt like hell, and I'd rather be the one to move on first, after any relationship. Which I never am.

I'm trying to figure out why I'm feeling this conflicted - I don't want him but I don't want him to want anyone else, sort of thing - and so far, I've come up with this:

Being dumped hurts because it immediately takes me back into once again being rejected, found not good enough, not lovable. (I know that's probably not how it is in reality, but that's how it feels, and feelings are never true or untrue, good or bad, they just are.) Will I never fall in love? Will I never be loved? Am I unlovable? So far, all evidence unfortunately seems to point in that direction, so there's really no surprise the thought springs to mind.
I think I am lovable; I know I am. Or should be, for the right person(s). So maybe I just haven't met that Big Love, who will love me and whom I'll love back. But inside of me, there is still that little vulnerable girl who's never been loved, who still doubts that she is good enough since no-one seems to really want her or love her. And she hurts like hell every time she's rejected.

I also suppose I have this desire that any man who's been in a relationship with me, and who dumps me, shall never be able to appreciate another woman in the same way. I know, it is childish and foolish and perhaps a bit possessive, but I think that it's also quite a common reaction. If they've liked me, and been allowed to enjoy me, of course I don't take too kindly to being discarded like an old pair of boots. May their testicles shrivel up and rot, may their physical fun give them no more pleasure sort of thing. No, there's no curse involved, just a bit of a woman scorned. And it usually passes after a while. But I really do think that he should never desire another woman like he desired me, and never be able to enjoy physical pleasures in the same way. Which is of course exactly the truth, because it is never the same with anyone else.

I wish my Xes the best of luck and I want them to be happy - but I want to be happy too! And to know that they move on and are (hopefully) happy only highlights the fact that I'm single, rejected, scorned and not happy about it.

Broken girl, lost in the shadows...

Bad day. I really need to work; I'm massively behind after spending Monday with book-keeping and my tax returns, and after Wednesday's shocker, but I just can't seem to get my mind to work properly today. And I have to get a grip: I have a slight hunch that falling apart isn't an excuse for missing Microsoft deadlines. That's where I'm at today: Falling apart. Or close to it.

I'm not normally one for crying my eyes out, but today I can't seem to stop. I just don't get it. I don't understand what I did wrong. Or why he didn't say anything before, when we were making plans for the summer together, but acted as if everything was fine and then coldly threw it in my face (without looking me in the eyes): It's over, it doesn't feel right, it doesn't click. Why couldn't he say so before we made plans? I don't understand! Also, it seems like he's getting a lot of sympathy, when he's the one who dumped me. How unfair is that?

Life really feels effingly unfair and I just can't seem to pull myself out of the dark right now. I don't want to wallow in misery and feel sorry for myself, but this time, I have no luck with my usual solutions in being hard on myself and telling myself to get a grip, stop being such a pathetic little whine, and get on with my life. They don't work today.

As long as I keep busy, I can hold myself together. Friday was insanely busy; breakfast at the make up studio while getting ready for the big booking (5 make up artists, close to 50 clients who were booked for big party make ups), doing make ups non-stop from 12:30 to almost 6pm, getting everything packed up and back to the studio, a quick change of clothes there and then dash of to Hard Rock Café for bowling and dinner with my sisters and sisters-in-law (late birthday present). Yesterday was filled with a sort of hen party for one of my best friends - brunch at 10, chocolate sampling, silversmithery (?) and dinner. I got back home around 1am, so there wasn't really any time to stop and feel then, either. And I am phenomenal at keeping my guards up and my mask on; to bring out that social and positive part of me. But last night, I could feel the darkness closing in on me again. And today... No. I don't want today.

I don't want to talk about it; I don't know how to handle friends' pity - am I really worth their sympathy? perhaps I'm just pathetic and should be able to cope with the rejection of being dumped? - and besides, I don't want anyone to see me this devastated. (Of course, if I would see anyone, the mask would go on.) At the same time, I don't want to be lonely. Or do I? Argh, I don't know anything! I don't want to be distracted, I don't want to talk about it and share my pain; I just want to forget. Or that it wasn't real. What if it were just a bad dream and I could wake up again and everything was fine. What if I could wake up and be whole again. Because I feel broken.
This wasn't the big love that forever changes me to the core, so why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel broken? Because I was a fool to trust him? Because I let myself believe that just because everything seemed and felt good, it was good? Because I was stupid enough to think that I would be enough, that I'd be good enough? I don't mean to be utterly pathetic or to beg for reassurance, it's just rethorical questions; the questions that keep repeating in my mind. Until I get an explanation, I can't help thinking that it must've been something I did, or something I didn't do.

Broken girl, lost in the shadows...

He makes my knees buckle

How can it be? A man who really makes my knees buckle and my hands shake. Never happened before. And this is long before falling in love, because I don't know him enough to do that. Not yet. All I know is that we have this amazing connection, on all levels, and that he wants more of me just like I want more of him, and I know very well how my body reacts to him. I just wish he would make that phone call, take the step from telling me that he wants to, and is so close to calling, and wants the energy exchange we share in sex, and just do it. Less words, more action. But I think that doing so is a much bigger step than it may sound like. It's not just sex.

I saw him last week, just for a short appointment, and I was so nervous before that it was insane. I was OK most of the day, just a bit jittery, butterflies in my stomach and all that, but on my way there I felt my hands shaking and my knees feeling disturbingly wobbly. It's funny, because I've been head over heels before and never like this, and now I'm just so attracted but not in l0ve.
It's funny how much you can say in a short time, and the level of confidence and openness between us is more than I've ever experienced before.

I had made my mind up to try to tell him that I am interested in more than just sex, and that if he had been single I would have asked him out, because he's just too interesting to let go. I wanted to tell him that because I want him to know that I think he's really interesting and I like him as a person. And I did tell him that, too. But he beat me to it, by suddenly telling me that he "really adores me as a person", and that's a reason why he feels unsure about just meeting to have sex. It was so sweet of him to say that, and he seemed genuinely concerned that I might feel used. As if. I want it just as bad, and I am fully capable of saying No. Even though I seriously doubt I will ever want to say No to him.

The thing is, it's up to him. He's got a family, he's got commitments, he's got issues to sort out and doesn't want to cheat. I respect that, but I can't sit around and wait. I mean, in a way I do, but just because I don't find anyone interesting, not because I'm waiting specifically for him.

I am amazed at the physical reactions to him and I am confused about what he said to me. Player or no player? Honest or not? Does he have the courage to take the next step?