Honouring the process

Samhain is approaching. I've been feeling the energy shifting for weeks now, but more clearly so in the past few days, as I grow more and more calm as the Crone's energy grows ever stronger. I walk more boldly with Her now, more secure in the knowledge that She is there with me every step of the way. I only need to reach out my hand or lean back into her arms. Just like Rhiannon will stop for those who ask for Her, the Dark Mother is always already there for those who ask. And yes, asking and receiving is still an issue for me.

I started a strange descent into the darkness, into the Underworld, at the time of the Summer Solstice full moon. It was entirely unexpected, and has been very painful; it has almost taken me away from everything I hold dear, and I have many times wondered if She will strip me of everything, everyone. Walking with the Dark Mother isn't a pleasant journey. It is terrifying at times, it rips me apart, turns away the light and the warmth of normal life; it is tiring, confusing, hurtful. Chaotic. It brings back hurtful memories, it opens old wounds, has old patterns being repeated before my eyes; it leaves me stripped bare of my strength and skin, utterly vulnerable. And I am hurt to the very core of my being, over and over again. It is Inanna's descent into the Underworld, being torn apart and only then re-membering myself again. It is a journey of darkness, despair, loneliness, and pain. It is death, and it is transformation. It is tremendous learning, growing, empowerment, and healing, once I give in to the process instead of fighting it. Because I do fight it. It is part of my process of change; I go into it kicking and screaming, objecting wildly, resisting, but never quitting, never giving up. I will go with the flow, but in my time. It is the process.

Many times I have wished that there was a solution, a way out, a way to escape or alleviate the pain, and I can tell that others feel the same. But today, a growing realisation finally became clear to me: this is exactly how it is supposed to be. There is no easy solution, no shortcut, no way out for me. However painful it is, however I may despair, this is part of the process. I won't get out of the Underworld with the knowledge, healing, and empowerment I am supposed to find there if I stop half way. I will not emerge stronger, more in my power, more radiant if I cut the journey short. There is no other way but staying the course, however much I may cry over it. It is a process, it is a journey, and the goal is at the end of it.

And this is how it has to be, which is the hardest thing to explain as we human beings want to minimise suffering. Because if I do not walk every step of the way of my journey, if I don't experience the process fully and deeply, how am I ever going to be able to walk with others through their processes? I must know the pain and despair from passing through the Underworld, and the liberation and joy of coming back out again, before I can teach it to someone else. It is how it has to be, it is the path I am called to. As a Priestess of love and death, I must know the heights as well as the depths, the light as well as the darkness, I must know from within that the despair will pass, that there is a shining speck of light even in the darkest night. I must learn, and I must know in order to teach.

Realising this, I can honour the process. This journey is mine to travel, but I can learn to ask others to hold me, hear me, and walk with me through parts of it. All is as it should be. All is well.