Inspiration: "24 Things To Always Remember"

24 Things To Always Remember

Your presence is a present to the world.
You are unique and one of a kind.
Your life can be what you want it to be.
Take the days just one at a time.

Count your blessings, not your troubles.
You will make it through whatever comes along.
Within you are so many answers.
Understand, have courage, be strong.

Do not put limits on yourself.
So many dreams are waiting to be realized.
Decisions are too important to leave to chance.
Reach for your peak, your goal and you prize.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.
The longer one carries a problem the heavier it gets.
Do not take things too seriously.
Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

Remember that a little love goes a long way.
Remember that a lot goes forever.
Remember that friendship is a wise investment.
Life’s treasure are people together.

Realize that it is never too late.
Do ordinary things in an extraordinary way.
Have hearth and hope and happiness.
Take the time to wish upon a start.

AND DO NOT EVER FORGET, FOR EVEN A DAY, HOW VERY SPECIAL YOU ARE!

From Prav's World  

Who will heal the healer?

From fulfilment to emptiness, from bliss to loneliness, from a feeling of being in the flow to a feeling of being set apart, removed. Every time.

This has been a strange week, or little-more-than-a-week. Spiritually speaking, a gateopener, or maybe rather a floodgateopener. I felt called to do work with Goddess, to channel Her light and energy, Her healing, and without having to think about it, did. And it's easy, effortless. Because I am just a vessel, a conduit, it doesn't drain me at all, as long as I keep my intention clear and unmarred by ego. And I do. And it's the most amazing thing, realising how easy it is to rise above ego and to, well, Priestess, embody, channel, whatever you want to call it. It is not for my sake or my gain, which makes the channel crystal clear. Beautiful, amazing work, and I am deeply humbled and honoured to be called to do it.

And it is opening up an interesting channel of communication, crystal clear: eye to eye, mind to mind, spirit to spirit, heart to heart. So clear that it is almos painful in its beauty, even though it isn't all open yet. But it will be. An immense gift!

What has been draining is the protection and shielding I was also, and pretty acutely, called to do for myself and others. Unexpected and quite shocking. But that, too, was a learning experience; the challenge of doing it with grace and love instead of holding up a shielding mirror to send back. (That part is not up to me.) The challenge of speaking my truth as softly as I can, knowing that it would hurt. The clarity of working with Goddess spreads across many facets of my life, and reveals the truth. Which isn't always pleasant, for anyone. The trick is to always do it from a place of love.

And meanwhile, there is my own journey. A most clearsighted Sister gave me the final clue this week in shining a light on what I knew but had failed to really feel. Pieces falling into place, leading to a major breakthrough when I suddenly knew exactly what to do. There is still a process of healing, further breaking through, and empowerment to go through, but it is well under way.

This week-or-so has reminded me of the work I am called here to do, and the immense joy of doing it. The sense of everything being right – in the flow, in my body, aligned with Spirit and Goddess, serving Her by shining Her light, like I once asked and promised to do – and a feeling of a door opening. I need more of this. Not for me as much as for the fact this is who I am and what I am called to do. Denying it would only stunt me.

But… Coming down is still as hard as when I travelled back and forth to Glastonbury and my training circle, gradually learning to hold Goddess's energy for longer times at a stretch and then landing in the mundanity of my normal life in Sweden. It always left me feeling very small, empty, and lonely. And it still does. I'm still struggling with how to sustain this spark, this light within in the everyday. Is that even possible? Or desired? I know that it shines a light on the dark, wounded spots that need to be brought into the light for healing, and even though that aspect of this path is painful, I embrace it. But the feeling of being set apart is hard; having essentially no one with whom to share this leaves me very lonely.

In a sense, this is how it is supposed to be: I come into my power alone, I am mostly a solitary practitioner, and the way in which The Lady of Avalon claimed me for Her and initiated me was in a very lonely setting. In complete solitude, entirely surrendering to Her.

But it's still hard, as no one here knows Avalon, knows the language I speak. These are the times when I miss being in a Circle of Sisters (and Brothers) and sharing. I miss people who know, who won't look to me for guidance or answers, but who listen and already know the nature of the path. A place where I can just receive, where I can be healed and held. It will come, and in the meantime I am held by the Great Mother, and my darling Sisters, wonderful weavers of the web of Sisterhood. But it is the constant question, isn't it: Who will heal the healer?

Honouring the process

Samhain is approaching. I've been feeling the energy shifting for weeks now, but more clearly so in the past few days, as I grow more and more calm as the Crone's energy grows ever stronger. I walk more boldly with Her now, more secure in the knowledge that She is there with me every step of the way. I only need to reach out my hand or lean back into her arms. Just like Rhiannon will stop for those who ask for Her, the Dark Mother is always already there for those who ask. And yes, asking and receiving is still an issue for me.

I started a strange descent into the darkness, into the Underworld, at the time of the Summer Solstice full moon. It was entirely unexpected, and has been very painful; it has almost taken me away from everything I hold dear, and I have many times wondered if She will strip me of everything, everyone. Walking with the Dark Mother isn't a pleasant journey. It is terrifying at times, it rips me apart, turns away the light and the warmth of normal life; it is tiring, confusing, hurtful. Chaotic. It brings back hurtful memories, it opens old wounds, has old patterns being repeated before my eyes; it leaves me stripped bare of my strength and skin, utterly vulnerable. And I am hurt to the very core of my being, over and over again. It is Inanna's descent into the Underworld, being torn apart and only then re-membering myself again. It is a journey of darkness, despair, loneliness, and pain. It is death, and it is transformation. It is tremendous learning, growing, empowerment, and healing, once I give in to the process instead of fighting it. Because I do fight it. It is part of my process of change; I go into it kicking and screaming, objecting wildly, resisting, but never quitting, never giving up. I will go with the flow, but in my time. It is the process.

Many times I have wished that there was a solution, a way out, a way to escape or alleviate the pain, and I can tell that others feel the same. But today, a growing realisation finally became clear to me: this is exactly how it is supposed to be. There is no easy solution, no shortcut, no way out for me. However painful it is, however I may despair, this is part of the process. I won't get out of the Underworld with the knowledge, healing, and empowerment I am supposed to find there if I stop half way. I will not emerge stronger, more in my power, more radiant if I cut the journey short. There is no other way but staying the course, however much I may cry over it. It is a process, it is a journey, and the goal is at the end of it.

And this is how it has to be, which is the hardest thing to explain as we human beings want to minimise suffering. Because if I do not walk every step of the way of my journey, if I don't experience the process fully and deeply, how am I ever going to be able to walk with others through their processes? I must know the pain and despair from passing through the Underworld, and the liberation and joy of coming back out again, before I can teach it to someone else. It is how it has to be, it is the path I am called to. As a Priestess of love and death, I must know the heights as well as the depths, the light as well as the darkness, I must know from within that the despair will pass, that there is a shining speck of light even in the darkest night. I must learn, and I must know in order to teach.

Realising this, I can honour the process. This journey is mine to travel, but I can learn to ask others to hold me, hear me, and walk with me through parts of it. All is as it should be. All is well.

The root of all…

I'm beginning to wonder whether the root of all my problems now is simply exhaustion. Haven't slept properly in 4? 5? 6 months, haven't had a single day without feeling worried about income since my former publisher announced that they would end their fantasy line (thus cutting my yearly income by half in one blow) a year ago. I feel drained, and have done since August, September some time. But even though I am careful not to overbook myself, I never get the chance to get really rested, recharge my batteries, and come back to my normal self. Partly because there are always things to do, money and work to worry about, and the constant awareness that I need to make a change but not being able to find the stillness and focus to do so, or the energy; and partly because I don't know how to recharge my batteries. How do I relax? How do I find a chance to come back in the midst of all this normal life? I don't know how to do it. Any advice would be ever so appreciated!

I am almost constantly exhausted, and the exhaustion lowers my resistance to negative thoughts and makes me incredibly vulnerable to other people's criticism and mood swings, as well as making me anxious. Or perhaps it just lowers my anxiety threshold and resistance to anxiety. Anyhow, it all seems to completely cover the true me. I miss me.

In the Cauldron

Yes, so it seems. I'm in the Cauldron already. Or again. But I have a feeling that I haven't left it in these… almost four years since I started the Priestess training. It appears my path is to walk with the Dark Mother. So bring it on.

Bring it on, Keridwen, Dark Mother, Crone Mother. 

Bring on Your bubbling cauldron, may You stir it gently.

Bring Your wisdom and Your change, a thousand little deaths before transformative rebirth.

Bring on the darkness and the cold.

Bring on the chilly northern winds in the middle of the night,

left alone on the highest mountain.

Bring on the dampness of Your cave,

where the sow roots in the earth, 

digging up hidden treasures and the things that have lain hidden for too long.

Bring your bats, dark-winged companions of the night.

Remind me that You are there beside me every step of the way,

gently holding me in the darkness.

And I will take your hand and step into the cauldron.

©Lisa Isaksson, October 2010

Bye bye, Blondie?

So, for a few months I've been blondish, in an attempt to get back to my natural blonde and a challenge to stay blonde for a while. I started dying my hair when I was 15, so for 21 years I've only gone back to my natural for perhaps a year at the longest. Even though I am far blonder than I originally thought (I always think I'm this boring, mousy darkish not-blonde-not-brown-not-really-anything), I tend to end up feeling very blah, boring and invisible in my natural colour. Let's face it; I'm a natural blonde but that's all that's blonde with me. I'm not a blonde in any other way.

But still, from time to time I try to go back to find the natural colour. It would be so much cheaper and easier and better for my hair if I could settle for natural, but it never lasts. Part of me really wants to be this nature child, who's just… well, natural. But I'm not. I'm a nature child in other ways, that is in my connection to nature, but I'm very apparently not a nature child as in staying natural in hair and lack of makeup and so on. So why deny who I am?

Which means, I guess: Bye bye, Blondie!

Mysteries of the Journey

Have you ever thought about how, sometimes, we start out together on a journey to a common goal, but that our paths diverge and differ, and that we arrive at the goal at different times, even though we may have taken the first step at the exact same time? I find this fascinating, and sometimes a bit frustrating, as the reasons for the differences in the journeys are not always within our control. Of course there are reasons for the different journeys we end up taking; we all have our personal journeys to make, our challenges to meet and overcome, our resistance to deal with. There is a reason for everything that happens on the journey, from the ease of the first step, the windings on the road, the crossroads and the choices we have to make there, to the people we meet, and so on.


It's like we start from the same place with the same destination in mind, perhaps even the same intention to reach the destination, but that we end up buying our tickets from different travel agents. Asking for the same route, you get an express ticket, whereas I get a slightly longer route that will require me to change my transportation along the way. We will both get to the destination, but at a different time. I may feel slightly envious and puzzled as to why you got the express ticket; don't I want to get there as fast as possible too? don't I have the same desire to reach that destination as you do? Why does the Divine/the Universe do this to me? But I forget that I will get there in the exact right time.

Then it turns out that your express route was apparently subject to roadwork, there are obstacles ahead, and your transportation is rerouted and delayed. Now you may wonder why you are being stopped from reaching your destination, when the road looked so smooth and direct to begin with. Thus forgetting that the stops are there for a reason, for your best.

Eventually, we both reach our destination, at the exact right time, and with the exact right experiences from the journey. Perhaps we have learned to trust the journey, and that we all have our own specific journeys, whose timing is always perfect for us; but then again, we might forget until the next time. I try to remind myself that no matter what anyone else's journey looks like; my journey is my own and can't be compared to yours. Of course, I sometimes get jealous when someone gets to their destination way sooner than me, or seems to have a smoother journey, and I can even beat myself up over it, wondering what I'm doing wrong or why I'm being held back like this. But more and more often, I manage to remember that we have our individual journeys without even having to think about it. Less frustration, more flow, and I can actually sit back and enjoy the journey, intrigued to see what surprises it will bring to me. So sit back, relax and enjoy the journey.

Happy travelling!

Dance joy

I've spent a weekend dancing in workshops with two amazing teachers: Elin Kåven from Norway (who's also a Sami singer – listen to her on Spotify and see her MySpace for song and dance delight) and Dud Muurmand from Denmark. To say that it's been inspiring is an understatement. I love dancing for new teachers, to experience their energy, their thoughts and choreographies, and to learn from many different dancers. To me, that's an essential part of the learning process, or should I say the growth process of becoming and being a dancer. It's a constant growing and learning, practising and drilling the techniques while finding myself (or my Self) in the dance to make the steps mine, to conquer the mystery of dance, of the union between music, movement and emotion for myself. I'm always wary of mimicking someone else, of being one of those unoriginal dancers who copy someone else's style instead of fusing inspirations with something of their own. And I realise that I am, albeit slowly and hesitantly, finding a place for myself in the dance. In the magical wonderland that is Tribal dance.

Actually, the weekend started on Friday, with a tribal fusion show at the Museum of World Culture here in Gothenburg. It was great and showed the huge span of the tribal fusion genre, and was in itself inspiring. Then I did a combinations/choreography workshop for Elin, which gave me some nice new ideas of how to work with steps. What is even more inspiring with Elin is how she has brought her Sami culture into tribal fusion. I've never thought of exploring Sami music for dance, even though my Sami ancestry calls to me. Not as loudly as my Priestess calling, but it's present, and has been for years. And eventually, I will have to explore it. I've seen myself dancing, strong, grounded and very close to nature in a place that I know is somewhere up north, I just don't know where. One of my guides is a small, Sami noaidi, whom I know as Rana and whose presence I have felt strongly during healing sessions, when she beats her drum and mutters softly to herself. I know there is something there, just out of reach, and perhaps it is through dance I will find the path into the lands of my ancestors.

Yesterday afternoon I did a dramatic workshop for Dud, and with my drama background and desire to tell stories, express myself and touch people through all of the creative things I do, it was of course wonderful. I wouldn't say pure pleasure, because going as deep as you do in dramatic workshops in order to access the deep emotions, is often more a challenge than a pleasure. But I love it ♥ I'm not always comfortable speaking about how I feel, or showing it to people, but in dance I do. It's easier to express in movements than in words.

The workshop today was on gypsy fusion, and wow! I absolutely ♥ ♥ ♥ it!!! I love the expressiveness, the grounding, the drama, the storytelling. Very, very inspiring. And together with the other workshops I have found the joy of dancing again. This weekend couldn't have come at a better time. For a few weeks now, I've been struggling with the motivation for dancing, having no inspiration whatsoever and questioning whether I should go on dancing at all. Hitting a plateau, sure, we all do it, but this felt like going backwards. I'm still not a particularly good dancer, but now I feel like I've got a vision and focus again. It's still a long way to getting up on stage and performing, but I'm working for it again.

Dance is life. And dance connects the dots in my life in such a magnificent way.

Make me good, but not yet

I'm not a very good person. I try, and it's not like I go out of my way to be mean or do wrong against others; I don't wish death on anyone (although I sometimes see plastic sheets in their future) and I would never use black magic or use rituals to do harm. But I think bad thoughts about people and sometimes I do wish bad things on them. Karma does its work, but sometimes karma just isn't fast enough.

I can be a bitch; I can be a real bitch. Mess with the people I care about and I'll show you bitchy; mess with and I may seem strangely forgiving, but I can hold a grudge like you've never seen one held before.

I sometimes think that I should be kinder, less given to bitchiness and ill thought, but the thing is that I like thinking ill thoughts, I like being a bitch - sometimes, not all the time. It's an effective release, a vent, a way of letting out steam. I mean no real harm, and it's just thoughts, words. (The real hitlist is in fact very short.) So until I feel that I'm free from my need to let off steam, I can tolerate not being good through and through.

So make me good, but not yet. And not too good. It's the imperfections that give us flavour.

~ Lisa on the move, posted from BlogPress

October Circle of Light

The Circle of Light is held the first Wednesday of every month.
The next circle is on the 6th of October.

The purpose of this circle is to connect us as a community and to connect to the Healing and Lifegiving flame of Goddess. To send a circle of healing light into the world. This is done in whatever way feels right for you.

The connection to the Circle of Light starts at 6pm local time and goes until the following morning. Please light a candle and tap into the web of energy that we create with our participation. No matter when you connect, the presence of our collective spirits and Goddess will be there.

For the October Circle of Light, let us be still and gather our energy in the place of balance; to gather strength where we feel weak, to focus healing where we are wounded, to spread light in the dark spots, and to balance any imbalances we have. Let us gather energy for the next turning of the wheel, so that we may regain our strength and be able to manifest the brilliant future that is ours if we co-create it.

Let us pray for energy in times of tiredness, for strength in times of weakness, for hope in times of darkness and need, for abundance, light, support, answers. The Great Mother is there, waiting to hold and heal Her children; we only need to ask. And let us pray for acceptance and for the serenity to see that we get what we need, even if we may not understand what we need or in what way we need it. All is as it should be, even if we don't feel it here and now. All will be well in the end, and if it isn't, it's because this isn't the end.

Join in this Circle of Light and weave a web of love and healing that will bring balance. Shine the light of Avalon, and let it reflect in your light!

For more information on the Circle of light, go here.
Blessed be
Lisa

Counting my blessings

Today I choose to count my blessings rather than my wrongs and injustices

Today I choose to let go of the past rather than dwell on it

Today I choose to focus ahead instead of looking back

Today I choose to learn from what's been and release it

Handle with care

Some days I feel like I should be wearing a "Handle with care" sign. Not because I might explode, but because I  feel really fragile and vulnerable and wish people could be more gentle with me. As a rule, they aren't.

I guess it's partly my fault for being there, listening, taking on a lot without complaining or setting boundaries for when I've had enough; but it can't be all my responsibility, can it? Perhaps I choose to surround myself with people who, well, don't think about that I might be breakable, too, underneath that apparently strong exterior. Or who don't hear me saying that I am. Sometimes, I just wonder when I became the one people tend to dump their problems, their frustrations, their bad moods on. Time and time again, I seem to get stuff thrown at me that I haven't asked for. OK, so I am often willing to lend a listening ear and some support, but that doesn't mean I want to have it thrown at me all the time. Why can't people stop and think, just for a split second, before tossing their problems in someone else's lap or throwing their bad mood in someone's face? Why can't they just be a little bit more gentle?

I've had some pretty rough weeks, with a cold that just won't go away and energy levels that have plummeted. Still, I've tried to give and be there, because that's what I do. That's who I am. When I suddenly realised that I feel completely drained, empty, with nothing left to give, I didn't know how to recharge those batteries, how to fill myself again. I slow down for a day or two, but then I'm right there again, ready to care, to help, to be there. Like I said, because that's who I am. But then I felt like I crashed and just cried and cried. And still, I couldn't prevent myself from feeling other people's anxiety, or sadness, or worries, or you-name-it. And be there. Voluntarily. Until I realised that it was becoming a one-way giving. Suddenly, I felt like I'm constantly giving and not getting anything back. Apart from other people's problems, frustrations, bad moods. It got to the point when I actually stopped caring for people around me, and isolated myself, because I just can't take any more. I can't keep caring about them when they apparently just don't give a f*** about me. Because when I isolate, the phone goes silent.

I though I was getting better, stronger, again, that my energy was coming back. I could smile again, I could laugh again, I didn't start crying when I dropped something. And then, there it is again. I'm the dumping-ground for someone's bad temper and frustration. Who then moves on without thinking about it. Gee, thanks. That, and a bad night's lack of enough sleep, and losing a job assignment, changed this day. I started out calm, happy, positive. Now I feel like I'm again reduced to a blubbering puddle of tears with no energy whatsoever. So bloody tiring!

So please: Handle with care.

Mabon blessing

© Lisa Isaksson

And the Universe replies…

Sometimes an answer can come quickly. Yesterday I wrote about how the transformation that I'm in the midst of more than anything makes me feel very lonely, and in a sense removed from other people, and today I receive this Note from the Universe:

What if loneliness was simply a feeling of impatience, telepathically sent to you by friends you've yet to meet, urging you to go out more, do more, and get involved, so that life's serendipities could bring you together... Would you still feel alone?

What if illness was just the signal a healthy body sent to urge clarification of your thoughts, feelings, and dreams... Would you still, at times, think of yours as diseased? 

What if feelings of uncertainty and confusion were only reminders that you have options, that there's no hurry, and that everything is as it should be... Would you still feel disadvantaged? 

What if mistakes and failures only ever happened when your life was about to get better than it's ever been before... Would you still call them mistakes and failures?

And what if poverty and lack were simply demonstrations of your manifesting prowess, as "difficult" to acquire as wealth and abundance... Would they still cause you to feel powerless? 

Well, whatever you feel, I still consider you my only begotten, my champion, and my equal.

Are we close, or what? 

    The Universe

Uncanny or what? Ah, I love synchronicity, because it shows that I'm getting back into the flow. When I'm in the flow, things around me make sense, I get little signs and replies to the things I'm wondering about, and quite often get the answers I need. (Which aren't necessarily the ones I want, I might add.) With the full moon and equinox coming up, I really hope to break through some more barriers and truly step into the flow again. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that the flow might take the shape of the stirrings of the Cauldron.

And the wheel turns…

New design, in celebration of the coming autumn equinox, or Mabon, which is the name of the Pagan festival at the equinox.

The days are rapidly growing shorter, and every night I am surprised at how early darkness falls. I'm still wondering what happened to summer, where did it go? How could three months go by so fast – June, July, August; all gone, in the blink of an eye. It's been a somewhat overwhelming summer, but I have this feeling that I've wasted it, because I can't see that I've really moved ahead. But maybe it hasn't been a time for moving ahead; or maybe the move ahead isn't something that can be measured yet. I know that things have changed, that I have changed, that my path is becoming clearer as the calling grows stronger and I respond to it; but it's actually with a sense of loss I look back at this summer. I feel that my calling, my path, my destiny, takes me away from the people I love, creates a distance between me and others. And I'm not sure how to bridge that gap.

It's like something has changed so much that I still can't see how much, and definitely haven't got my bearings right yet; and whether that is in me, or in my friends as well, I don't know. But I honestly preferred when things weren't this complicated, when I didn't feel so out of place and removed. I don't even have the words to describe it, even if I could talk to someone, which I'm not sure I can. More than anything, this transformation, so far, makes me feel immensely lonely. I hope that will change. Because I don't want to be alone any more. I want my path to bring me closer to the people I love, not further away from them.

I still, somewhere, have that same feeling that my time may be coming that I wrote about last month, but at the moment it feels dominated by an overwhelming feeling of being completely drained, empty. Quite depressed, really. I hope that as we move into autumn, I will get more energy again; more energy to be creative, to figure out what I want to do next in order to dream, create, and manifest my future. And to figure out how to make things less complicated, and find a solution to what seems to be the biggest lesson right now: how to not give so much of myself that there is nothing left for me, and how to learn to ask for what I need. It seems I have to make myself clearer on that point. Honestly, I feel like I (once again) focused so much on giving that I not only drained myself but also forgot what I need, or how to ask for it. Seems I have some work cut out before me.

But today is a beautiful autumn day, the sky clear blue, and the leaves still green. Where are the autumn leaves? So far, I've found one maple tree with gorgeous red leaves, but that's about it. I even saw a blooming dandelion the other day. But there is a definite autumnal bite in the wind, and the wheel is turning…

Here's to beautiful autumn days and stormy autumn nights!

Yay me!

6 years… Some time now in mid-September, it's been six years since I walked down a street in my hometown Göteborg one night, kicking at autumn leaves, and suddenly thought: "I think it's over now." So simple, so sudden, so… undramatic. Matter-of-fact, even. Anorexia was no more. 25 years of my life were over.

Of course it didn't happen overnight; what had been an integral part of my life, at times the most important part, the one thing I desperately clung to, didn't suddenly disappear. It had taken years. But that very night, whose date I don't remember, marks my declaration of recovery, as it was then that I realised that my life was no longer controlled by the eating disorder. I wasn't controlled by it. I was free. I am free.

I still prefer to think of myself as free, rather than recovered, for the simple reason that I never regarded myself as being ill. I don't know what it says in my medical files; whether I was ever certified as being ill, or for that matter recovered. But it doesn't matter. To me, the eating disorder, all those anorexic years, weren't an illness; it was my way of living. What probably initally started out as a coping mechanism, that became a way of life, that became a disorder that took over my life and almost killed me. But not an illness or sickness. It was more than that; it was my entire life. It was what I grew up with, what I matured in parallel with, something that had always been there. I didn't have a "before" to compare with or fall back on; I don't remember a before, I was too young then. So my way out wasn't about rehabilitation, but habilitation; it wasn't about finding a way back to a healthy life, but about figuring out what a free, recovered, healthy life was for me. There was no key to this particular equation; I had to find it for myself. I had to create, or discover (rediscover?), an identity without anorexia. And, for that matter, without a whole bunch of other things. It took me a couple of years, but I got there. Obviously.

Everything wasn't great that September night; everything still isn't. From time to time, I go through periods of anxiety, I tend to get depressed when I get exhausted, at times I've got a head full of thoughts about whether or not what I'm feeling is normal. I'm human, everything will never be great. But I no longer self-destruct when I feel bad, I don't place my feelings on the plate before me or in the loo. I'm not eating disordered any more. The dark mirror has lost its grip and lure; I am free.

September Circle of Light

The September Circle of Light will be held tonight, September 8.

The purpose of the Circle of Light is to connect us as a community and to connect to the Healing and Lifegiving flame of Goddess. To send a circle of healing light into the world. This is done in whatever way feels right for you.

The connection to the Circle of Light starts at 6pm local time and goes until the following morning. Please light a candle and tap into the web of energy that we create with our participation. No matter when you connect, the presence of our collective spirits and Goddess will be there.

For the September Circle of Light, let us work from a place of grace and gratitude to manifest that which we want more of. Rest assured that we are held by Goddess and provided for – lean back into the Mother's arms and trust Her. Have faith that all will be well.

Fill your mind with gratitude, feel the love, and dream. From the dreams, we manifest our future. We get more of that which we focus on, so direct your mind in positivity and light, and with a wish for the greater good, to what you want at this time. Ask that your prayers be heard, if they are meant to be, and dream the future.

This is the time: Who do you want to be? What life do you choose? Dream it into being. The Mother will provide, albeit not necessarily in the way we want or expect. She hears our prayers and knows our dreams; She will give us what we need.

Join in this Circle of Light and weave a web of love and gratitude that will manifest a new life, a new world. Shine the light of Avalon, and let it reflect in your light!

For more information on the Circle of Light, go here.

Blessed be
Lisa

Is it my time soon?

I have a strangely good feeling that's been growing for some time. An excitement about I don't know what. The not knowing bit means I feel good/excited/slightly nervous/a bit anxious; all in one. Like something's finally going to give, I will finally break out of this … shell, for lack of a better word. Move on to the next level. It's like something in me is vibrating faster, at a higher frequency. A most strange and wonderful sensation.

Something happened at the Litha full moon just after summer solstice, up at Lake Delsjön with a friend (Sister!) and bats in the air. I don't know what. Maybe I reclaimed my Priestess self, maybe Goddess reclaimed me, pulled me back into Her service (much like when She initiated me), reminded me of my calling and true nature. The part of me I cannot live without, cannot be whole without. I'm not sure. All I know is that it was the first time in a long time that I was a Priestess.

Since then, it's felt like my path has taken me to some pretty dark places; away from people, in a sense away from life. I was blessed with the chance to guide a soul to the other side, when a friend's cat had to be put to sleep, and was surprised at how naturally it came to me. But it was emotionally hard, and draining, and even thinking about it still makes me cry. I think the hardest part was that I can only go so far as to the "gate" to the Summerland, and then have to go back, leaving that other soul behind. Even though I knew she was fine, and would be fine, in that place where there is no longing or sorrow, but only love and happiness. Having been allowed to truly see another soul like that, I know how she feels and can in a sense touch base with her, but I cannot be there. Leaving was hard, and it took me quite some time to fully be back here (I guess next time I should bring chocolate). And I know it wasn't the last time I made that journey.

I've walked through a lot of old pain, old wounds, and fears and feelings that have come from my past: the fear of not being worthy, of not being lovable, of not belonging; the fear that if I don't give enough or if I demand too much, my friends won't think I'm worth being friends with (and I know how stupid that sounds); the pain of past rejections, of feeling that I'm out in the cold, alone; and the pain of wanting to be open and receiving, but not knowing how to do it. I've learned that I may have to give it time, because this is an old habit that dies very, very, very hard. But I am opening to it, and I will get there. Whenever there is a will to change, the change will come.

And so … in the midst of this, there has been this good feeling that everything will be fine, that something is coming, that this is in fact the darkest part of the night, right before the sunrise; the last struggle before the breakthrough, the shedding of the old. I'm not sure if it's over, but something is shifting and this good feeling is growing stronger. You know the feeling of butterflies in your stomach? Something like that.

My friend said the other day that it feels like it is my time now. Soon. And I agree. I feel the same. The door is open, more so than ever before, and I pray that I will never let fear shut it again…

A Thing of Beauty: An Ode to Hummingbirds

I found this blog post on Nikki Reed's blog, which I occasionally read. I've seen a couple of interviews with her since the Twilight craze started, and been … intrigued. She's not like your average Hollywood actress; like with Kristen Stewart, you don't know what she will say, how she will reply to the questions. And I'm getting that she' pretty smart. Quirky, undoubtedly very very creative, and smart. Reading her blog also reveals that she has an interesting way with words, that absolutely appeals to me, and a fascinating way to look at the world.

This piece, An Ode to Hummingbirds, was written by her grandfather, and was just so beautiful and captivating, and sad, that I want to share it. (Go here for a slightly larger version if you have trouble reading it.)

I have never seen a hummingbird; we don't get them this far north. But they have always fascinated me; so tiny, so beautiful, so full of energy, appearing to defy the laws of gravity. My heart weeps for those two souls, although I know that they are endlessly, forever flying in the Summerlands, and for the fact that once again, we humans are responsible for a creature so beautiful becoming scarce.

Ray of Hope

This message appeared in my Facebook flow this morning, from Prav's World, one of those wonderful sources of inspiration.

Original here

Blessed be!

Giving and receiving, and the challenge of asking

Giving and receiving… And in between, asking; giving – asking – receiving. A trinity where I guess we need some sort of balance. I know I would probably feel a lot better if I had more balance, and that is somewhat of a struggle for me.

I've always been the one to give of my time, my energy, my love/support/advice/help, and it is always a gift given freely. Time and time again, I find myself volunteering to help or give: "do you need…?", "do you want me to…?" That is second nature for me. And of course, if someone asks, my answer is usually Yes. Of course. Anything you need. I'm always seeking to meet other people's needs, whether explicitly expressed or perceived. Quite often, I'm right in what I perceive; even though it may not be what the person in question wants. Ah, the power of the Crone.
And I like to give, to guide, to see someone find her/his answers or gain foothold. It makes me happy, it energises me. But… I feel like I rarely get the same in return. Only rarely have I experienced that people volunteer or offer to help or give me something out of the blue. Because they want to. And when they do, I tend to feel almost guilty and that I have to or should "make it worth it". Like I still can't understand why anyone would want to be there for me. (Which is quite true, come to think about it.)
I've been wondering about this lately, as I've realised that the things I need are pretty much the ones I give so freely. Who can I turn to? How do I even ask?

More than once I've been told that I'm a difficult person to help and that I shut people out. Perhaps they try to give, but in a way that I don't notice or understand, and then give up when I fail to notice or receive "in the right way", whatever that is. I'm not used to people giving generously of themselves, not to me anyway; and it's apparently not something that changes just like that, and being accused of shutting people out when I really am learning and changing certainly doesn't help. It just makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong and I hesitate even more to open myself to receiving.

Asking for something, anything, is almost ridiculously hard. It's like I only dare to ask for something if I know the person I'm asking is happy and satisfied, which just rarely happens. People have their own needs and problems and life issues; it's so much easier to listen to them than to ask for something when I know that they have needs. And yes, I do give others' needs a higher priority than mine. So there is an imbalance; I happily give and get frustrated when I don't know where to turn for my needs, and even more frustrated (and sad) whenever I am told that I shut people out. What if I'm not shutting you out, but just don't know how to invite you in? Or think that you don't want to come in?

And I know that this is a problem that I'm entirely responsible for. It's up to me to ask, because most people won't just understand what I need and volunteer to give it, or knock on my door and ask to be let in.
How do you go from being a giver, to being a giver-and-receiver?

August Circle of Light

The August Circle of Light will be held on the 4th of August.

The purpose of this circle is to connect us as a community and to connect to the Healing and Lifegiving flame of Goddess. To send a circle of healing light into the world. This is done in whatever way feels right for you.

The connection to the Circle of Light starts at 6pm local time and goes until the following morning. Please light a candle and tap into the web of energy that we create with our participation. No matter when you connect, the presence of our collective spirits and Goddess will be there.

For the August Circle of Light, let us honour the gifts in life and open ourselves to asking and receiving. Let us rejoice over the blessings Goddess bestows on us; the Earth we walk on, the air we breathe; our creativity, our imagination, our feelings; our Divine bodies and souls; our relations, families, and friends. And Life itself. Let Goddess pour Her cornucopia of abundance and honour Her gifts – while manifesting and asking for what you need right now.

Fill your mind with light, positivity, gratitude, and focus on receiving. For many of us, asking and receiving are two of the hardest lessons learned, and now may be the time to challenge that. The Great Mother asks of nothing in return for the Life and Love She gives us; we only have to receive. Her gifts are given freely, for the greater good, and often we just need to ask and receive.


Lean back into the Great Mother's warm embrace and rest assured that She hears you, She knows you, and everything will be as it should be. Everything already is. Open your heart, mind, and life to Her gifts, let Her break down any barriers of control or fear of wanting, fear of receiving – you have been worthy of the greatest good since the beginning of time. Now, let yourself receive…


Join in this Circle of Light and weave a web of love that will transform us and the world we live in. Shine the light of Avalon, and let it reflect in your light!


For more information on the Circle of Light, go here.

Blessed be

Lisa

Picture used without permission; no copyright infringement intended.

Depression awareness

Depression is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign you have been trying to be strong for too long. Put this as your status if you know someone who has/had depression. Will you do it, and leave it on your status for at least an hour? Show your support.

This status update appears every now and then on Facebook, but only today did I use it myself. I don't fully agree with it, as depression is not merely a sign of having "tried too hard"; it is a physiological reaction, a matter of an imbalance in the neurotransmitters. Whether the reasons are endogenous or exogenous, a clinical depression is not merely about "being blue" or sad. And it's not something you just snap out of with positive thinking; not when you've goon deep down.

I spent years and years in deep depression, trying endless medications while trying to be strong and hopeful and not too depressing. I learned that people generally have no clue about what depression really is like; what it's like to pretty much have an inner Dementor who sucks all positivity and happiness from you, drains you of energy, makes you slow, dull, lethargic and infinitely sad – but not sad as in crying or sorrowful, but sad as in devoid of feelings. I felt that it made life grey, dull, muted, and that trying to get myself out of the bog every day was like swimming against an incredibly strong current – I could do it, to a degree, but it was draining. Eventually, after a dozen drugs that never really worked, and ECT that also didn't work, I found medication that finally did the trick. The change was... undescribable. One day I realised that I hadn't been depressed for days. That was 10 years ago.

I went off medication after 4 years, which was hard and took a long time, and in those 6 years, I've only been back on it once, two winters ago. It didn't work as well this time, and I realised that I wasn't up for the side effects, or for becoming a human guinea pig again, trying my way through the various drugs. And the truth is, I haven't gone as deep as I did then. Something changed. Maybe it was that my neurotransmitters work better when I'm not anorexic, maybe the chemical imbalance cleared, maybe I've learned to read the signs and do what I can to beat depression early on. Because while I have no clue how to create a lasting effect on the neurotransmitters, I believe that it should be possible to combat depression with my mind. If I do it early on.

However, I suspect that I am susceptible to depression, and have my annual bouts of it, although like I said, never as deep. They range from a couple of days in the bog, really low and not really able to think too clearly (often induced by a period of stress and fatigue), to months of being low, dysthymic. Because I'm really not good at following schedules and lists and stuff (meaning I forget them), the checklists and things to do when I notice the signs aren't as helpful as they could be. I just try to get on with life like I normally do and accept that things are the way they are right now, but that it will pass. Trying not to be too hard on myself. I am seriously trying to figure out how to create a system that will remind me of being aware of the signals and of what I can do, and hopefully I'll figure something out. After all, I did learn to notice the ED alarms before things start to go wrong... What else can I do?

July Circle of Light

The July Circle of Light will be held on the 7th of July.

The purpose of this circle is to connect us as a community and to connect to the Healing and Lifegiving flame of Goddess. To send a circle of healing light into the world. This is done in whatever way feels right for you.

The connection to the Circle of Light starts at 6pm local time and goes until the following morning. Please light a candle and tap into the web of energy that we create with our participation. No matter when you connect, the presence of our collective spirits and Goddess will be there.

For the July Circle of Light, let us consider the highs and lows of life, love, our emotions. Let us live the expression ”as above, so below”, and see the correspondences, the mirroring – whether dark or light – between the high and low, the light and darkness. 

Let us skim the surface of our emotions, dive deep into the waters of our inner minds, exploring the depths as we go deeper and deeper into the feelings, towards our source. Into the darkness that isn't dark as devoid of light, but full of deep colour. Even in the dark, there is light. Let us then rise and soar with the wind, high up towards the skies, flying free.

Let us be filled with emotions, let us celebrate the spectrum of our feelings and find within them healing, closure and new beginnings. Let this be a time of going deep and high in order to move forward; a time of growth and healing.

Join in this Circle of Light and weave a web of love that will transform and heal us and the world we live in. Shine the light of Avalon, and let it reflect in your light!


For more information on the Circle of Light, go here.

Blessed be
Lisa

Because I give a damn

I stumbled on the videos for the We Give A Damn campaign. The videos feature wellknown singers, actors, actresses... well, see for yourselves:





Having been more or less openly bisexual since my mid-teens, and openly lesbian since almost a year back – although I might for some reasons more aptly call myself queer, but that's for another post – LGBT rights and true equality lie very close to my heart, privately as well as politically.

I'm sad that at this day and age, in the 21st century, people are still being persecuted, fired, discriminated against, abused, condemned, beaten, and murdered for their sexual orientation. Hate crimes are still a fact. A group of people, our sisters and brothers, are denied the rights many people take for granted – the rights to marry, have children, live with their partner in peace and acceptance – just for who we love. If we are ever to achieve equality, this must change.

Equality matters. Who I love shouldn't matter. I give a damn. Do you?

June Circle of Light

I've just added a Circle of Light page to the blog for the monthly Circle of Light ceremonies that I post on the e-mail list Avalon Yearning and the Facebook group Tuatha de Avalon, hosted by my Circle Sister Elle.


On that page you can find more information about the Circle of Light, and I will then post information about each month's circle here as they come.

The Circle of Light is held the first Wednesday of every month.

The next circle is on the 2nd of June.

The purpose of this circle is to connect us all and to connect to the Healing and Lifegiving flame of Goddess. To send a circle of healing light into the world. This is done in whatever way feels right for you.

The connection to the Circle of Light starts at 6 pm local time and goes until 6 am the following morning. Please light a candle and tap into the web of energy that we create with our participation. No matter when you connect, or for how long, the presence of our collective spirits and Goddess will be there.

For the June Circle of Light, let us embrace change and transformation. It is time to break down the barriers of past wounds, fears, and outdated views of "who you are". It is time to shed the old skin and let the new one be seen in the light of our inner fire. 

Let our hearts and minds be transformed by the flames of love, let the purple flame of Avalon guide us through the wounded places, so that we may step into our truth and beauty. Let us reclaim our Truth, our Beauty, our Power; let us gather our strength and break the chrysalis so that we may spread our wings, fly free and reveal our true beauty.

Join in this Circle of Light and weave a web of love that will transform us and the world we live in. Shine the light of Avalon, and let it reflect in your light!

Blessed be
Lisa

Card of the Week, May 31, 2010

The card of the week is Butterfly Maiden – Transformation:

"You are experiencing enormous change right now, which brings sweet blessings."

The Message is:

As you go through this period of change, it's natural for you to wonder if your future us safe. I'm here to assure you that you're part of nature's cycles of birth, death, and rebirth. To bring in you desired newness, you must first allow old parts of your life to fall away. These changes are to be celebrated, not feared. Give thanks for this shedding of the old! Embrace all of the lessons it brought, and then let it go! Be giddy with excitement at the newness of the gifts that are now being bestowed upon you, and let their magic surprise and delight you."

(from Doreen Virtue's Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards)

I think it was only yesterday that I drew this card as my Card of the Day (which I put in my Twitter feed), so I guess there is some definite transformation under hand. Which I am, of course, aware of. However, I am not quite aware of what changes are under way, only that the cauldron is being stirred, life is tilting and shifting, and I have a feeling that "all" is about to change. Or a lot, at least. And although I welcome the change, and am quite excited to see what it will bring, part of me resists it. Resisting pain, of course, as we humans tend to do.

I also know that several close Sisters and Brothers are going through major life changes, and this card is of course for all who feel that it speaks to them.

It is time that we break free from the shackles of the past, break out of the chrysalis of old life, old pain, and step into the light.

It is time that we step into our power, our own shining light, and spread our wings.

It is time that we spread our light and beauty, our Divinity.

The Butterfly Maiden picture above belongs to Sharon George. I love her work, so why not stop by her website and have a look for yourself?

Senseless attraction

So I saw this person today, who I used to be really attracted to. As in pure, unadulterated desire. At the time, I thought he might become a challenge, and even possible fall, of any other relationships, as I would never be able to say no to him. That changed. He, umm... turned out to be a lot more talk than action, and not living the talk. Failing to live up to his words, I realised that I wouldn't play his game. If he wants me, he'd better let me know and come clean about things. I need to protect myself.

And seeing that he's a man, and I prefer women, I thought I was well and truly over him. Until now, when I realise that the same desire is there, even though I'm still as annoyed with his manboyish lack of responsibility and still don't want him in my life. Emotionally, I don't want him. But my body betrays me. So the risk of him jeopardising relationships is apparently still there. But I dare say that it's a challenge I would win.

Do you have people who attract you in the same senseless way?

Card of the week, May 24, 2010

Lately, I've found myself getting back in tune with the energies and myself, and subsequently, the messages I receive from the cards make more sense and seem very timely.

Inspired by my circle sister Elle's Twitter this morning, I decided to take my card of the week more seriously. And why not post it here?

The card of this week (I'm using Doreen Virtue's Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards) is Abundantia - Prosperity.

"The Universe is pouring its abundance out to you. Be open to receiving."

The message is:

"Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. You are very powerful, and I'm here to support your growing power. It's right for you to receive this help, as we function as a team. I've heard your prayers, worries, and affirmations. I'm pouring my cornucopia of prosperity upon you now, so expect unforseen windfalls and gifts. Notice the new ideas, feelings, and visions within you. This guidance gives you clear direction about actions to take in conjunction with my assistance. Together, we're unstoppable!"

Be open to receiving. My challenge of the week! Because much as I pray for abundance and work hard to make the money flow in - whilst trying to get to that place of flow, where the energy flows freely and effortlessly - I rarely really ask for help. From anyone. And receiving is a bit of an issue for me. I can give, and I give freely, I like to give of my support, my help, my love, even my energy; but receiving is harder. And if I receive more than (I think) I give, I feel unworthy. And here the Universe reminds me that it is not the case. Thank you.

Learning to love yourself

I stumbled onto Louise L. Hay's Amazon.com page, like I sometimes do, and my eyes were caught by a book I've seen before; the Love Yourself, Heal Your Life Workbook. Looking in it makes me sad. I realise that loving myself still doesn't come easy. Or even naturally. It's one of the things that seem to move in spirals - when I think I have learned to love and accept myself, something happens that challenges that self love. The journey deepens, the path winds ever closer to the centre of my being; to the most deeply wounded places. It is only natural, but it's painful, and it's sad to learn how I still struggle with such a simple thing: self-love, self-acceptance.

Some people seem to just love themselves; it seems to simple for them, so natural. I envy them. I didn't grow up feeling unconditional love - it may have been there, but I always felt that there were conditions that had to be met - and I have never felt unconditional love for myself, nor been able to understand how anyone else could love me unconditionally. When I love, I love unconditionally and freely - it doesn't mean I do everything right by the people I love or that I am able to always let that love guide me - but I apparently still don't believe that the same thing could be extended to me.

Reading Louise L. Hay's foreword to Love Yourself... I feel sad. I want to love myself, I want to accept myself in a way that means I won't lash out from a place of frustration and pain, I want to heal myself with love. And I can't believe how hard it is, or how I don't really know how to learn to love myself. I thought I had come so far, and yet, here I am.

Our subconscious mind accepts whatever we choose to believe. The Universal Power never judges or criticizes us. It only accepts us at our own value. If you accept a limiting belief, then it will become the truth for you. If you believe that you’re too short, too fat, too thin, too tall, too smart, not smart enough, too rich, too poor, or incapable of forming relationships, then those beliefs will become true for you.

I want to believe that I am beautiful and smart, and that I am lovable and worth loving - but when I feel that I can't or don't know how to do it, I limit myself. I do. I am aware of that. Have you any idea of how frustrating it is to be aware of the "wrong" thought and still not be able to shake it off? When I try to change it, there is always the doubt that maybe I'm just fooling myself with the affirmations. What if? What if I am, in fact, not beautiful, or smart, or lovable? Am I only deluding myself? That what if is something I haven't yet understood how to bypass.

Remember that we’re dealing with thoughts, and thoughts can be changed. We have unlimited choices about what we can think, and the point of power is always in the present moment.

This I know, and I hope to figure out how. It's time for another round of self-worth work. Yes, I ordered the book, and a number of others, and will give them a serious try when I get them. And in the meantime really try to break the negative thought patterns and drown the negative voices. Every thought I think creates my future.

The greatest love of all

Is easy to achieve

Learning to love yourself

It is the greatest love of all

~Greatest Love of All, Whitney Houston

Note: The beautiful picture above isn't mine, and no copyright infringement is intended. You can find this, and several other amazing, affirming and empowering art pieces in Patricia Omoqui's store.