Handle with care

Some days I feel like I should be wearing a "Handle with care" sign. Not because I might explode, but because I  feel really fragile and vulnerable and wish people could be more gentle with me. As a rule, they aren't.

I guess it's partly my fault for being there, listening, taking on a lot without complaining or setting boundaries for when I've had enough; but it can't be all my responsibility, can it? Perhaps I choose to surround myself with people who, well, don't think about that I might be breakable, too, underneath that apparently strong exterior. Or who don't hear me saying that I am. Sometimes, I just wonder when I became the one people tend to dump their problems, their frustrations, their bad moods on. Time and time again, I seem to get stuff thrown at me that I haven't asked for. OK, so I am often willing to lend a listening ear and some support, but that doesn't mean I want to have it thrown at me all the time. Why can't people stop and think, just for a split second, before tossing their problems in someone else's lap or throwing their bad mood in someone's face? Why can't they just be a little bit more gentle?

I've had some pretty rough weeks, with a cold that just won't go away and energy levels that have plummeted. Still, I've tried to give and be there, because that's what I do. That's who I am. When I suddenly realised that I feel completely drained, empty, with nothing left to give, I didn't know how to recharge those batteries, how to fill myself again. I slow down for a day or two, but then I'm right there again, ready to care, to help, to be there. Like I said, because that's who I am. But then I felt like I crashed and just cried and cried. And still, I couldn't prevent myself from feeling other people's anxiety, or sadness, or worries, or you-name-it. And be there. Voluntarily. Until I realised that it was becoming a one-way giving. Suddenly, I felt like I'm constantly giving and not getting anything back. Apart from other people's problems, frustrations, bad moods. It got to the point when I actually stopped caring for people around me, and isolated myself, because I just can't take any more. I can't keep caring about them when they apparently just don't give a f*** about me. Because when I isolate, the phone goes silent.

I though I was getting better, stronger, again, that my energy was coming back. I could smile again, I could laugh again, I didn't start crying when I dropped something. And then, there it is again. I'm the dumping-ground for someone's bad temper and frustration. Who then moves on without thinking about it. Gee, thanks. That, and a bad night's lack of enough sleep, and losing a job assignment, changed this day. I started out calm, happy, positive. Now I feel like I'm again reduced to a blubbering puddle of tears with no energy whatsoever. So bloody tiring!

So please: Handle with care.

Mabon blessing

© Lisa Isaksson

And the Universe replies…

Sometimes an answer can come quickly. Yesterday I wrote about how the transformation that I'm in the midst of more than anything makes me feel very lonely, and in a sense removed from other people, and today I receive this Note from the Universe:

What if loneliness was simply a feeling of impatience, telepathically sent to you by friends you've yet to meet, urging you to go out more, do more, and get involved, so that life's serendipities could bring you together... Would you still feel alone?

What if illness was just the signal a healthy body sent to urge clarification of your thoughts, feelings, and dreams... Would you still, at times, think of yours as diseased? 

What if feelings of uncertainty and confusion were only reminders that you have options, that there's no hurry, and that everything is as it should be... Would you still feel disadvantaged? 

What if mistakes and failures only ever happened when your life was about to get better than it's ever been before... Would you still call them mistakes and failures?

And what if poverty and lack were simply demonstrations of your manifesting prowess, as "difficult" to acquire as wealth and abundance... Would they still cause you to feel powerless? 

Well, whatever you feel, I still consider you my only begotten, my champion, and my equal.

Are we close, or what? 

    The Universe

Uncanny or what? Ah, I love synchronicity, because it shows that I'm getting back into the flow. When I'm in the flow, things around me make sense, I get little signs and replies to the things I'm wondering about, and quite often get the answers I need. (Which aren't necessarily the ones I want, I might add.) With the full moon and equinox coming up, I really hope to break through some more barriers and truly step into the flow again. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that the flow might take the shape of the stirrings of the Cauldron.

And the wheel turns…

New design, in celebration of the coming autumn equinox, or Mabon, which is the name of the Pagan festival at the equinox.

The days are rapidly growing shorter, and every night I am surprised at how early darkness falls. I'm still wondering what happened to summer, where did it go? How could three months go by so fast – June, July, August; all gone, in the blink of an eye. It's been a somewhat overwhelming summer, but I have this feeling that I've wasted it, because I can't see that I've really moved ahead. But maybe it hasn't been a time for moving ahead; or maybe the move ahead isn't something that can be measured yet. I know that things have changed, that I have changed, that my path is becoming clearer as the calling grows stronger and I respond to it; but it's actually with a sense of loss I look back at this summer. I feel that my calling, my path, my destiny, takes me away from the people I love, creates a distance between me and others. And I'm not sure how to bridge that gap.

It's like something has changed so much that I still can't see how much, and definitely haven't got my bearings right yet; and whether that is in me, or in my friends as well, I don't know. But I honestly preferred when things weren't this complicated, when I didn't feel so out of place and removed. I don't even have the words to describe it, even if I could talk to someone, which I'm not sure I can. More than anything, this transformation, so far, makes me feel immensely lonely. I hope that will change. Because I don't want to be alone any more. I want my path to bring me closer to the people I love, not further away from them.

I still, somewhere, have that same feeling that my time may be coming that I wrote about last month, but at the moment it feels dominated by an overwhelming feeling of being completely drained, empty. Quite depressed, really. I hope that as we move into autumn, I will get more energy again; more energy to be creative, to figure out what I want to do next in order to dream, create, and manifest my future. And to figure out how to make things less complicated, and find a solution to what seems to be the biggest lesson right now: how to not give so much of myself that there is nothing left for me, and how to learn to ask for what I need. It seems I have to make myself clearer on that point. Honestly, I feel like I (once again) focused so much on giving that I not only drained myself but also forgot what I need, or how to ask for it. Seems I have some work cut out before me.

But today is a beautiful autumn day, the sky clear blue, and the leaves still green. Where are the autumn leaves? So far, I've found one maple tree with gorgeous red leaves, but that's about it. I even saw a blooming dandelion the other day. But there is a definite autumnal bite in the wind, and the wheel is turning…

Here's to beautiful autumn days and stormy autumn nights!

Yay me!

6 years… Some time now in mid-September, it's been six years since I walked down a street in my hometown Göteborg one night, kicking at autumn leaves, and suddenly thought: "I think it's over now." So simple, so sudden, so… undramatic. Matter-of-fact, even. Anorexia was no more. 25 years of my life were over.

Of course it didn't happen overnight; what had been an integral part of my life, at times the most important part, the one thing I desperately clung to, didn't suddenly disappear. It had taken years. But that very night, whose date I don't remember, marks my declaration of recovery, as it was then that I realised that my life was no longer controlled by the eating disorder. I wasn't controlled by it. I was free. I am free.

I still prefer to think of myself as free, rather than recovered, for the simple reason that I never regarded myself as being ill. I don't know what it says in my medical files; whether I was ever certified as being ill, or for that matter recovered. But it doesn't matter. To me, the eating disorder, all those anorexic years, weren't an illness; it was my way of living. What probably initally started out as a coping mechanism, that became a way of life, that became a disorder that took over my life and almost killed me. But not an illness or sickness. It was more than that; it was my entire life. It was what I grew up with, what I matured in parallel with, something that had always been there. I didn't have a "before" to compare with or fall back on; I don't remember a before, I was too young then. So my way out wasn't about rehabilitation, but habilitation; it wasn't about finding a way back to a healthy life, but about figuring out what a free, recovered, healthy life was for me. There was no key to this particular equation; I had to find it for myself. I had to create, or discover (rediscover?), an identity without anorexia. And, for that matter, without a whole bunch of other things. It took me a couple of years, but I got there. Obviously.

Everything wasn't great that September night; everything still isn't. From time to time, I go through periods of anxiety, I tend to get depressed when I get exhausted, at times I've got a head full of thoughts about whether or not what I'm feeling is normal. I'm human, everything will never be great. But I no longer self-destruct when I feel bad, I don't place my feelings on the plate before me or in the loo. I'm not eating disordered any more. The dark mirror has lost its grip and lure; I am free.

September Circle of Light

The September Circle of Light will be held tonight, September 8.

The purpose of the Circle of Light is to connect us as a community and to connect to the Healing and Lifegiving flame of Goddess. To send a circle of healing light into the world. This is done in whatever way feels right for you.

The connection to the Circle of Light starts at 6pm local time and goes until the following morning. Please light a candle and tap into the web of energy that we create with our participation. No matter when you connect, the presence of our collective spirits and Goddess will be there.

For the September Circle of Light, let us work from a place of grace and gratitude to manifest that which we want more of. Rest assured that we are held by Goddess and provided for – lean back into the Mother's arms and trust Her. Have faith that all will be well.

Fill your mind with gratitude, feel the love, and dream. From the dreams, we manifest our future. We get more of that which we focus on, so direct your mind in positivity and light, and with a wish for the greater good, to what you want at this time. Ask that your prayers be heard, if they are meant to be, and dream the future.

This is the time: Who do you want to be? What life do you choose? Dream it into being. The Mother will provide, albeit not necessarily in the way we want or expect. She hears our prayers and knows our dreams; She will give us what we need.

Join in this Circle of Light and weave a web of love and gratitude that will manifest a new life, a new world. Shine the light of Avalon, and let it reflect in your light!

For more information on the Circle of Light, go here.

Blessed be
Lisa

Is it my time soon?

I have a strangely good feeling that's been growing for some time. An excitement about I don't know what. The not knowing bit means I feel good/excited/slightly nervous/a bit anxious; all in one. Like something's finally going to give, I will finally break out of this … shell, for lack of a better word. Move on to the next level. It's like something in me is vibrating faster, at a higher frequency. A most strange and wonderful sensation.

Something happened at the Litha full moon just after summer solstice, up at Lake Delsjön with a friend (Sister!) and bats in the air. I don't know what. Maybe I reclaimed my Priestess self, maybe Goddess reclaimed me, pulled me back into Her service (much like when She initiated me), reminded me of my calling and true nature. The part of me I cannot live without, cannot be whole without. I'm not sure. All I know is that it was the first time in a long time that I was a Priestess.

Since then, it's felt like my path has taken me to some pretty dark places; away from people, in a sense away from life. I was blessed with the chance to guide a soul to the other side, when a friend's cat had to be put to sleep, and was surprised at how naturally it came to me. But it was emotionally hard, and draining, and even thinking about it still makes me cry. I think the hardest part was that I can only go so far as to the "gate" to the Summerland, and then have to go back, leaving that other soul behind. Even though I knew she was fine, and would be fine, in that place where there is no longing or sorrow, but only love and happiness. Having been allowed to truly see another soul like that, I know how she feels and can in a sense touch base with her, but I cannot be there. Leaving was hard, and it took me quite some time to fully be back here (I guess next time I should bring chocolate). And I know it wasn't the last time I made that journey.

I've walked through a lot of old pain, old wounds, and fears and feelings that have come from my past: the fear of not being worthy, of not being lovable, of not belonging; the fear that if I don't give enough or if I demand too much, my friends won't think I'm worth being friends with (and I know how stupid that sounds); the pain of past rejections, of feeling that I'm out in the cold, alone; and the pain of wanting to be open and receiving, but not knowing how to do it. I've learned that I may have to give it time, because this is an old habit that dies very, very, very hard. But I am opening to it, and I will get there. Whenever there is a will to change, the change will come.

And so … in the midst of this, there has been this good feeling that everything will be fine, that something is coming, that this is in fact the darkest part of the night, right before the sunrise; the last struggle before the breakthrough, the shedding of the old. I'm not sure if it's over, but something is shifting and this good feeling is growing stronger. You know the feeling of butterflies in your stomach? Something like that.

My friend said the other day that it feels like it is my time now. Soon. And I agree. I feel the same. The door is open, more so than ever before, and I pray that I will never let fear shut it again…

A Thing of Beauty: An Ode to Hummingbirds

I found this blog post on Nikki Reed's blog, which I occasionally read. I've seen a couple of interviews with her since the Twilight craze started, and been … intrigued. She's not like your average Hollywood actress; like with Kristen Stewart, you don't know what she will say, how she will reply to the questions. And I'm getting that she' pretty smart. Quirky, undoubtedly very very creative, and smart. Reading her blog also reveals that she has an interesting way with words, that absolutely appeals to me, and a fascinating way to look at the world.

This piece, An Ode to Hummingbirds, was written by her grandfather, and was just so beautiful and captivating, and sad, that I want to share it. (Go here for a slightly larger version if you have trouble reading it.)

I have never seen a hummingbird; we don't get them this far north. But they have always fascinated me; so tiny, so beautiful, so full of energy, appearing to defy the laws of gravity. My heart weeps for those two souls, although I know that they are endlessly, forever flying in the Summerlands, and for the fact that once again, we humans are responsible for a creature so beautiful becoming scarce.

Ray of Hope

This message appeared in my Facebook flow this morning, from Prav's World, one of those wonderful sources of inspiration.

Original here

Blessed be!

Giving and receiving, and the challenge of asking

Giving and receiving… And in between, asking; giving – asking – receiving. A trinity where I guess we need some sort of balance. I know I would probably feel a lot better if I had more balance, and that is somewhat of a struggle for me.

I've always been the one to give of my time, my energy, my love/support/advice/help, and it is always a gift given freely. Time and time again, I find myself volunteering to help or give: "do you need…?", "do you want me to…?" That is second nature for me. And of course, if someone asks, my answer is usually Yes. Of course. Anything you need. I'm always seeking to meet other people's needs, whether explicitly expressed or perceived. Quite often, I'm right in what I perceive; even though it may not be what the person in question wants. Ah, the power of the Crone.
And I like to give, to guide, to see someone find her/his answers or gain foothold. It makes me happy, it energises me. But… I feel like I rarely get the same in return. Only rarely have I experienced that people volunteer or offer to help or give me something out of the blue. Because they want to. And when they do, I tend to feel almost guilty and that I have to or should "make it worth it". Like I still can't understand why anyone would want to be there for me. (Which is quite true, come to think about it.)
I've been wondering about this lately, as I've realised that the things I need are pretty much the ones I give so freely. Who can I turn to? How do I even ask?

More than once I've been told that I'm a difficult person to help and that I shut people out. Perhaps they try to give, but in a way that I don't notice or understand, and then give up when I fail to notice or receive "in the right way", whatever that is. I'm not used to people giving generously of themselves, not to me anyway; and it's apparently not something that changes just like that, and being accused of shutting people out when I really am learning and changing certainly doesn't help. It just makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong and I hesitate even more to open myself to receiving.

Asking for something, anything, is almost ridiculously hard. It's like I only dare to ask for something if I know the person I'm asking is happy and satisfied, which just rarely happens. People have their own needs and problems and life issues; it's so much easier to listen to them than to ask for something when I know that they have needs. And yes, I do give others' needs a higher priority than mine. So there is an imbalance; I happily give and get frustrated when I don't know where to turn for my needs, and even more frustrated (and sad) whenever I am told that I shut people out. What if I'm not shutting you out, but just don't know how to invite you in? Or think that you don't want to come in?

And I know that this is a problem that I'm entirely responsible for. It's up to me to ask, because most people won't just understand what I need and volunteer to give it, or knock on my door and ask to be let in.
How do you go from being a giver, to being a giver-and-receiver?